Took on a life of it's own

this week I've felt like people are turning against me. I can see anger in their faces, I can hear it in their voice. what did I do? I don't know why they're like this. A constant attitude towards me, just me? I hope not, but somethings always telling me it is me, just me, they hate me now, I'm dirt, I'm less than dirt. So I draw back into myself, the outgoing girl not afraid to speak up says nothing. No starting conversations, no how are you with a smile, no cracking jokes. I just sit quietly, with a broken heart wondering what else I deserve. I deserve worse, I deserve pain, I hate myself. Crying so hard my head hurts and I can't breathe, the urge starts and I know one thing will calm me down, one thing will slow my tears, one thing I deserve over an over and over. So I give in, sit in my room and drag the blade across my skin. How many cuts will it take this time? One, three, five, more? How much blood can I get, it's never enough! It has to run, it has to drip! It has to hurt. But I don't feel the pain, why don't I feel the pain? Then it's just quiet, until the guilt, what the hell did I do again! I can cover it up easy, it's cold out, cut my legs, no one will ever see it, if it's really bad it HAS to be my arms, I can just wear a sweater. I've started rubbing the blood around, making it look like there's more cuts than there is, run it all the way down my arm from my wrist to my elbow. Then wash it off and go one with life.
Today, my roommate called me ten minutes later and I went and picked her up. She had no clue, she still doesn't. No one does, I can't tell anyone and see the disappointment in their face. The fear, the pity, like I'm a crazy person! I'm not crazy, am I?It needs to stop! I don't know how. I don't want to increase my meds, I hate them they make me sick, dizzy, and gain weight like crazy. That;s a whole other problem, weight. Maybe tomorrow.