Took a step forward and fell flat on my face.
New Year's weekend went VERY well and I thoroughly enjoyed myself - at home! Even I can't believe it.... I was all set to go out to celebrate my new beginning, and realized I didn't really want to go anywhere. I had a house full of dogs that were making me laugh, so I just stayed home and played with them until New York's ball dropped and that was it. I went to bed.... content!
Most of the dogs left by the 1st, so I had a chance to go cross country skiing yesterday. Kinda killing two birds with one stone, if you get my meaning. Burned 1300+ calories, while letting my thoughts wander. The sun was bright and the trail was perfect. I took my time, practiced the downhills, tried some new techniques... And that's when I realized it.... the flat on my face thing! It dawned on me as I was gliding down a hill, practicing my "snowplow" as I approached a corner, and I was telling myself, "come on... you've done this for YEARS now... line yourself up, focus on your balance, lunge where needed as you go into the curve, feel those muscles!" And then BAM... OMG, I've lost my self-esteem! Now how in the world did THAT happen! And WHY in the world does it have anything to do with my feelings for my X? My self-esteem is just that... MINE.... and all I felt was this HOLE where my self-esteem used to be!
MAN, I didn't think I could feel this insecure I DON'T want this to be a year of failures. I'd make a list of my goals, but I tend to jinx myself when I do that, especially when I feel so emotionally weak. The reason this is bugging me is because I have NO CLUE on how to deal with it! Will getting fitter do it? Will just getting through the next year do it? Will getting out in public do it? Is it connected to the fact that I used to "lean" on the support my X would give me whenever I attempted something that scared me? Is it because that support is gone, friends are too busy, family is blowing me off? (not even a single call for the holidays - though I left multiple messages)
I got to talking about the New Year's weekend with one of my customers today, and she told me she got divorced 3 years ago, and then suddenly asked me when the insecurity goes away.... Uh oh. 3 years and she still has it.
Anyone have any ideas?
Most of the dogs left by the 1st, so I had a chance to go cross country skiing yesterday. Kinda killing two birds with one stone, if you get my meaning. Burned 1300+ calories, while letting my thoughts wander. The sun was bright and the trail was perfect. I took my time, practiced the downhills, tried some new techniques... And that's when I realized it.... the flat on my face thing! It dawned on me as I was gliding down a hill, practicing my "snowplow" as I approached a corner, and I was telling myself, "come on... you've done this for YEARS now... line yourself up, focus on your balance, lunge where needed as you go into the curve, feel those muscles!" And then BAM... OMG, I've lost my self-esteem! Now how in the world did THAT happen! And WHY in the world does it have anything to do with my feelings for my X? My self-esteem is just that... MINE.... and all I felt was this HOLE where my self-esteem used to be!
MAN, I didn't think I could feel this insecure I DON'T want this to be a year of failures. I'd make a list of my goals, but I tend to jinx myself when I do that, especially when I feel so emotionally weak. The reason this is bugging me is because I have NO CLUE on how to deal with it! Will getting fitter do it? Will just getting through the next year do it? Will getting out in public do it? Is it connected to the fact that I used to "lean" on the support my X would give me whenever I attempted something that scared me? Is it because that support is gone, friends are too busy, family is blowing me off? (not even a single call for the holidays - though I left multiple messages)
I got to talking about the New Year's weekend with one of my customers today, and she told me she got divorced 3 years ago, and then suddenly asked me when the insecurity goes away.... Uh oh. 3 years and she still has it.
Anyone have any ideas?
Replies
When it should go away...as always it is probably different for every individual. I say probably because I don\'t know myself and it as been 4 years since the separation and I have been on my own, the divorce was only final 2 years ago, needless to say my insecurities have still not gone away. Thinking about though, maybe I have always had my \"insecurities\" just never paid a lot of attention to them in the past! Now I am not so distracted by how to deal with X. I really like what you write in your journals. You have a very level head and sound like a good person to know. Hope you get all the help you need here on DS, there are a lot of good people here.(((Hugs)))
Have you lost it or were you in a holding pattern? I have to admit that the ex marrying someone over 20 years younger than me made me a little insecure about my body and looks.
I can relate a bit about what you are feeling but only in that one area. I always look to my past and remember just what I\'ve done and tell myself I can do anything.
Give it some time and you will find your way back to that confident woman you were before. I\'m in awe that you ski and take care of so many dogs in your home. Don\'t you hike too. You impress me with your wisdom and all that you do.
Oh boy I can so relate to this, I was asking myself this very question the other day. At times I can feel so confident and on top of my game. Getting on with things and getting out and doing things with a feeling of having my life under control, and then all of a sudden wham, something will happen and I feel as shakey as ever - totally messed up.
Thankfully after a couple of days I can calm down and can talk myslef back to feeling in control again. But it does scare me, and make me wonder whether I am ever going to be able to get involved in a relationship with anyone else ever again, or whether I am better off just enjoying the rest of my life alone. Whether I will be safer that way. Self reliant.
((hugs)) I hope you can get past this feeling and get back on track again. I hope that we all regain our self confidence somehow, but I honestly don\'t know when or how.
I have only been divorced since July 2011 and separated since July 2010, but then there again I had to be pretty self reliant within my marriage for years because my ex tended to lean on me rather than the other way around.
Trisha - yep, I temporarily lost it that day, lol, but I think I\'m getting the handle on it. And new2free, I\'m discovering things along the lines you\'re talking about... gonna put it on my next journal.