Too Soon, Tears Flow, Heart aches!!!!
I don't seem to get on here very often anymore and I can not say why. I do know that as time goes it seems the pain is the same. The loss of Ken has not gotten easier to bear it is as it was from that horrible night in Dec 30, 09. Oh yes I still exist. I continue to do things but I hid my true feeling. My true feelings is I want to cry. My heart is broken. My heart is sad. The tears now flow more within then outward. No one wants the sorrow I go through to show. How tiring it is to go through this alone. It seems other, other than his children Ken just wasn't here. How it breaks my heart. If others only knew how much we just need to share our child with them. To let us feel the pain with them. To just be there for us. Why does it have to be this way. Friends, family they go on happy cause their lives have never felt this pain we feel. I guess this is my life. Nothing has changed for me to make it better. It is still so sad. How can others not know how horrible this is not to see our child, to touch them, to be able to hear their voices. Yes, we have memories but the memories so thankful for but can not make up for what we lost that day our child left us so soon. Too soon. Everyone said it would get easier. It would get better. I do not believe this will ever happen. For my child was a part of me and a part of me died that day too. So how can it ever get any better. Love and miss you Ken so very much. Love and always thinking of you. How I wish it could be so different. Always on my mind. Always in my heart and even though the tears do not flow as they did outwardly they still flow, love you so much. Forever your mom.
Replies
you are so right Sandi... the pain is still there, the missing is sooo bad and hard..... love ya!
We are here for you Sandi...we understand fully the impact of your loss and many of us have the same feelings of not being fully understood...it is my hope that FMO can be the place where your spirit is fully understood, your grief embraced by all here and your heart cradled in love and support.
Take care of you,
AnnM
I understand. The times I leave my house and run into someone who knows that my SON died they want me to reassure them that I\'m OK! I am wrapping my head around the fact that I am a living, breathing reminder of a nightmare they can not even dwell on for a second and therefore must not come close to me as what I now live with and suffer with every day of my life - might be contagious. I function but I am only a shadow of my past. When my child died, my spirit went with him. I feel like I am invisible. No one wants to see how badly I hurt. I want to scream at the top of my lungs \"MY SON DIED!!!\" but I also know that I would get the appropriate condolences and they would move on.
Also the emotional exhaustion is overwhelming. I read recently a comment about how much energy it takes to grieve. That unless you have been there, you have no idea the amount of energy it takes and there is no \"time off\"
So it is my struggle, as it is yours.
I take so much comfort here. As much as I am alone, I am not alone.
You did not ask to have to be here and yet, you need to be here. Know that there truly are women who understand, who are NOT going to turn their backs on you or \"hope\" you are \"feeling better\". We are here for the long haul. And as much as you would like to wake from your nightmare, as would I, the minutes turn into days into weeks and the nightmare continues so I want and need to be here.
Sandi, you are not alone. Your journey is indeed your own but the emotional hell we all share. Whether you come here daily or just once in awhile, you will not be alone in your journey.
strongest of hugs,
lean on me for it won\'t be long till I\'m goin\' to need someone to lean on...
Merrilee
My dear Sandi. We are on this journey together. You are so right - it really does not get better. No getting over it, no closure. I am getting on with my life but it is not the life I had before Dec 1, 2009. My friend says it is my new normal. I cry, inside and out. I hear you when you say it is exhausting. Putting on the happy face gets me down.
I am so thankful I have FMO - I really don\'t know where I would be without my SOTH!
My friend told me about a support group here. It turns out that it is facilitated by the same guy that led it when I went shortly after Lisa died. He was a good listener 1:1 but a lousy facilitator. My FMO group is enough for me! Whether we are on here a lot or a little, it is just comforting to know you are there and understand.
Hang in my friend.
Love and hugs, Marlene
It has only been 4 months for me... but I fully understand already how this ache can be forever. We are all in this together. I am thinking of you and your sweet Ken.
Big Tight Hugs Sandi,
Terry
Yes life changes after our child dies...it\'s my new normal
Life is divided into before Jenn and after Jenn
Yes, I know everyone expects us to be the same but how could we possibly be the same, and not unless the ever experience this type of loss how could they know how impossible that is.
Hugs, marylou
Loss of a child is not a recovery it is life changing event. No one who is not in our shoes will never be able to understand. They go on with life. We deal with life without our child. Wihout FMO I would be a basket case without any site of how to deal with my loss. My healing began by journalling and by answering to journals. I am not alone, I have you and everyone else here.
Tight hugs Penny
Yes it is so true. Life is now so different and it will never ever be right again.
I still marvel at people thinking we should get over it. The constant pain will never leave. Yes we go on with life in this new normal, but the life of before is gone. Sending everyone peace. Kathy
Sandi, I agree. Nothing is the same once your child leaves for Heaven. Tight hugs, Linda