Too much to all take it

Its been some time sice I last wrote here. I have still been keeping an eye on how everyone is doing just been kind of down. So much has gone on since the last time I wrote. I honistly don't even know how I am making it through but I am.
I thought I was doing better with accepting the fact that my son is in Heaven and that he is happy and we will meet again. I still havent been sleeping well but not because of flashbacks but just insomnia. I truley thought the PTSD was going away. I wasnt consumed with reasearching everything possible to figure out how I could have prevented Elijah from passing or what when wrong. The what ifs, if onlys and why were not an obsession anymore. Maybe because of the medical issues I have been having have masked that for the time being.
But then my grandma was over and started making comments about Elijah passing. He passed away when I was nursing him and I fell asleep. She said she thinks he died because I was nursing him! The autopsy showed that wasnt the case but now it has me back to square one with the "if only I didnt fall asleep". Then she said I should have taken him to childrens hospital and he would be here now. My first reaction was, I took him to our local hospital which is supposed to be a great hospital twice and to the urgent care just days before he passed. And the same thing could have happend even if I did take him to a different hospital. But now here I am thinking maybe she is right... If only I took him there he might still be with me.
After all that she said she doesnt know why I'm having another baby, that my body is not made to have babies because I have a problem with preterm labor. Well she couldnt have babies and thats why she adopted! How rude is what I thought but just kept my mouth shut. Then she was saying she hopes I dont breastfeed this baby. I just told her I do plan on breastfeeding as I think that is what is best for babies.
Other then my conversation with my grandma I also have been dealing with a lot with this pregnancy. I am on bedrest because my cervix is not holding up too well. At 20 weeks my cervix dropped to 2.5 cm. Then a week later they were going to place a cerclage but my cervix jumped up to 4 cm, which is the longest it has ever been with any of my pregnancies. Im starting to think they measured wrong because the next week it dropped to 1.5-2cm! At that point I was 23 weeks and they said I was too far along for a cerclage. Right from the start the doctors acted like it was a grim situation. Saying they dont know if I will carry to viability. I switched perinatologists and now have a OB that is working with my family practice OB. I feel more releaved knowing this dr thinks I will carry for a few more week at the least but probly wont deliver until 30-33 weeks as thats what my body has done the last three times.
But from 20 weeks until now I have been a wreck fearing loosing another baby. My family practice OB made a comment saying I cant be so narotic and worry about everything. She said not to call her if anything happens until i reach 24 weeks because before that they wont do anything to save him. Of course thats going to freak me out. My perinatologist understands my fears and says given everything I have been through that my reaction to all this news is very normal. He is doing extra tests (like the Ffn test) just to give me peace of mind and is seeing me every week for ultrasounds to help ease my fears. He is also wiling to give me steroid shots next week if there is anymore shortening of the cervix.
Well on Sunday I will be 24 weeks so Im starting to relaxe a bit knowing atleast they will try to save him if the worst does occur.
To top that off I have gestational diabetes and hate needles! I have done good with the pricking my finger and they now have me on meds to lower my glucose levels. But they do think insilin is in my future. But I will do what ever I have to do to help this pregnancy.
But now that things have calmed down a bit with reaching viablity, and me being stuck on the couch on bedrest all day, it seems my flashbacks and obsesive thoughts about Elijahs death are coming back with avengence. I dont know if this is normal or if this is typical after losing a baby. I feel so lost and like I have no control over anything anymore.
Also my 5 year old son has been wetting the bed every night ever since Elijah passed. It started at his funeral where he had an accident and hasent stopped since. My family practice OB is also his dr and she said its nothing to be concered about. She doesnt think it has anything to do with Elijah passing but I find that hard to believe. He has been 100% potty trained since he was 3. Kids dont just loose that ability to hold it while they are sleeping. She just wrote it off and wont even look into it. I'm overwhelmed, scared and dont know where to turn to or what to do. I feel maybe my dr is right that I am just being neurotic and if I could change that I would but I just cant figure out a way to do it accept keep all my thoughts and feelings to myself. Not really changing the problem but rather hiding it from the world.
Okay Im done ranting... Thank you for hearing me out and listening! I sooo needed to get it all out.