Too Much Pain, Not Enough Hope
So far this is my 3rd day in a row without having a Coke. I hope I can go a whole week at least. It's been really hard for me right now because my energy has been very low and Coke has always given me a boost.
Other than that, I've been having a really difficult time with my pain and fatigue. I've been crying a lot, and my family has been decidedly unsupportive. I guess I should clarify and say that my mom hasn't been supportive - she's actually been yelling at me to stop crying. Usually my mom is doing a lot worse with her own pain but the last few days that I've been having a hard time, she's actually improved. Maybe that's why she's yelling at me - for once she can't sympathize. I've been feeling really guilty that I haven't been able to help with dinner, dishes, or laundry and even though she claims she isn't angry about this, I think she is taking it out on me.
My mom always says that she wishes my brother and I were well enough to live on our own and have our own lives - work, go out with friends, have families of our own, etc ... I always tell her that even if I were feeling well enough to live on my own I would still stay here to help out and look after her. At times like this I seriously consider going changing my mind.
As much as I love her, I feel like there's just something mentally missing from her. She actually said to me, last night while I was crying, that she didn't know why I was so upset - I didn't have a very hard life. How could she of all people say that I don't have a hard life when I'm cooped up here day after day, and the only things I accomplish in a day are household chores such as cooking, doing dishes, or doing laundry? I could spend my strength and energy doing things for me but I always put my family first. Even when my sleeping pattern was backwards and my mom would scold me for sleeping during the day, I was actually spending my nights keeping my mom awake on the toilet! Night after night, hour after hour I would keep her awake, help her stand up, help her walk to the sink and wash her hands, then help her walk back to her room and to her bed. I would lead her if her eyes were bad or let her lean on me if her legs or hips were bad. That was my life for many months. And she actually has the nerve to tell me that my life isn't that hard when my own sister's life is so much more fulfilling! I'm trapped here while my sister has a PhD, a career, a social life, and gets to go on trips to Hawaii, The Dominican Republic, San Francisco, Mexico, Cuba, and Italy! A good day for me is a day where I get to go to the grocery store.
As soon as I get my Ritalin and my pain calms down I want to start doing some things for me. I want to go buy a new bathing suit and go to the gym for some hydrotherapy. We're just going to have to get meals on wheels because I can't keep doing this everyday.
Other than that, I've been having a really difficult time with my pain and fatigue. I've been crying a lot, and my family has been decidedly unsupportive. I guess I should clarify and say that my mom hasn't been supportive - she's actually been yelling at me to stop crying. Usually my mom is doing a lot worse with her own pain but the last few days that I've been having a hard time, she's actually improved. Maybe that's why she's yelling at me - for once she can't sympathize. I've been feeling really guilty that I haven't been able to help with dinner, dishes, or laundry and even though she claims she isn't angry about this, I think she is taking it out on me.
My mom always says that she wishes my brother and I were well enough to live on our own and have our own lives - work, go out with friends, have families of our own, etc ... I always tell her that even if I were feeling well enough to live on my own I would still stay here to help out and look after her. At times like this I seriously consider going changing my mind.
As much as I love her, I feel like there's just something mentally missing from her. She actually said to me, last night while I was crying, that she didn't know why I was so upset - I didn't have a very hard life. How could she of all people say that I don't have a hard life when I'm cooped up here day after day, and the only things I accomplish in a day are household chores such as cooking, doing dishes, or doing laundry? I could spend my strength and energy doing things for me but I always put my family first. Even when my sleeping pattern was backwards and my mom would scold me for sleeping during the day, I was actually spending my nights keeping my mom awake on the toilet! Night after night, hour after hour I would keep her awake, help her stand up, help her walk to the sink and wash her hands, then help her walk back to her room and to her bed. I would lead her if her eyes were bad or let her lean on me if her legs or hips were bad. That was my life for many months. And she actually has the nerve to tell me that my life isn't that hard when my own sister's life is so much more fulfilling! I'm trapped here while my sister has a PhD, a career, a social life, and gets to go on trips to Hawaii, The Dominican Republic, San Francisco, Mexico, Cuba, and Italy! A good day for me is a day where I get to go to the grocery store.
As soon as I get my Ritalin and my pain calms down I want to start doing some things for me. I want to go buy a new bathing suit and go to the gym for some hydrotherapy. We're just going to have to get meals on wheels because I can't keep doing this everyday.
Replies