too much
Life is getting harder. im getting homicidal, suicidal, over emotional, psychotic, im feeling physically i'll... why does life look so pretty but feels so horrible.. why does my brain say let go but my heart says hold on.. why do i feel hope but push it away.
My birth mother is killing me.. she looks looks like shes see thro. you can see the scabs and bruises from the meth and Heroin, you can smell the alcohol from 12 feet away.. she holds her cigarettes.. she smokes away she can barely walk... i could barely speak.. i felt sick.. but you know what i did i walked right to her, i was fighting myself my brain was telling me NO.. but my heart led me to her.. she huged me i started to cry.. she told me to "stop your makeing me cry".. i saw the tears come down her facewe said we missed each other.. i said i love her but my brain said dont do it.. but i did a couple hours passed she is gone i didnt know where she went she did NOT say goodbye... i cryed the whole night and days after im still crying... my adopted dad is getting married.. i just about ruined it for everyone im make everybodys life a living hell.. because i want the to feel how i feel.. because no understands it.. no one is feeling it.. i keep getting lockk away like im a bad habbit...thats why i do what i do.. im pushing away everyone that loves me because i dont want them.. because they dont try to understand the dont try to help.. my papas says "Why you keep pushing the people that love you away?" i didnt say anything i just wanted to scream... my heart hurt because im trying to ignore it.. want to use my brain... i threatened my my adopted dad my 2 adopted brothers.. I WANT TO KILL THEM! whats wrong with me? im going crazy i keep a nife under my pillow because im afraid im going to get hurt... my dreams are getting worst.. i keep dieing, i keep crying, i keep laughing, i keep singing and sceaming... everything that made me happy is now making me mad... everything i hear, see, or feel make me feel different.. im getting more shakey my is turning pinkish purple on my hands and feet my chest and face... im going crazy.. no one helping me.. im getting to the point nothing can help me... my meds are NOT working.. im just getting worst... im hurting inside and out... everything is different now....
Replies
I’m sorry you are struggling so much. If no one is helping then you need to help yourself. You have seen what substance abuse does so that’s no option. The only course that makes any sense is you standing up and getting stronger. Simple steps but everyday so they become your new behaviors. Drink lots of water, eat as healthy as you can, go for a walk when you can’t escape your thoughts. When outside try to focus on your breathing and steps. Let that be the only reality for the time walking. This is how you can train your mind to exist in a different perception. I know it’s had to begin, but with steady practice you can start to love yourself. And that’s where we all need to feel. Create that island in yourself that is safe. Only you can do that.