Too many thoughts...so little time.

...so...I have a lot going through my head right now.
It's such a blur of emotions that I'm not even sure how to feel. Some of the thoughts have me hopeful, some of them have me scared and sad. Other thoughts leave me frustrated and wanting to pull my hair out...but I have started to realize that this is what life is all about.
I guess the best thing I could do is to try and explain where all these random emotions are coming from. Maybe then it will make it easier for people to leave me advice, reach out...or something. I feel like what I need the most right now is some sort of assurance...some sort of pat on the back and hug that lets me know that things will work out just fine. I mean, I know that no one can guarantee me 100% that everything will go as planned (because it never does), but for some odd reason, I just wish that for once things could really begin to work out in my favor.
So...as I was saying: This weekend I was blessed with another 4-day with Taz (a 4-day is where the soldiers have Friday-Monday off because of some Holiday or etc). This is the second 4-day in a row and this is the most time I have spent with her in the longest while. It was really great. The first day we just chilled in my flat, then the next day we got lost in Augsburg-Oberhausen. On Sunday we met up with one of her friends (and his wife) for the Nuremburg Volkfest that was going on (and it was my first-ever German Carnival), and then Monday we spent in Amberg looking at the sites and looking for some good Asian cuisine. :)Overall, it was a really pleasant experience. We laughed a lot, kissed a lot, rode some carnival rides. We just played around a lot, and even though she was sick, I snuggled Taz and gave her lots of affection and cuddles...so to me, it was pretty much the ideal time with my lovely g/f.
But...having so much fun with her and having all this time with her also brought some pain to my heart...because soon, I will be starting my job here in Germany. I told them I could start this week, but, Taz has another long weekend coming up, and, if I ended up working, she would not come and see me because then she would just be stuck in my flat the whole time, waiting on me to come home.That's not fair to her...and besides, she said she wanted to visit Berlin. So...I told the people I was working with (for my employment) that I could start work this Tuesday (which is today mind you). Well, when I woke up yesterday morning, I had nothing in my e-mail...then, when I checked later in the afternoon, I still had nothing in my e-mail from them. Thinking they would mail me later in the week, I was gone almost all night and arrived home past midnight only to see that they had e-mailed me wanting to start my job today, and then asked me if that would be alright.Well...on the way home, Taz said she wanted to see me this weekend coming up. I know that my schedule really upsets her. She hates going places without me and hates that she would hardly get to see me. She understands that we need money because she can't keep paying for me, but at the same time, she just wants one more weekend before our lives become ten times harder than it already is. She said that she hoped that she would get this weekend with me...so when I saw that they wanted me to start work today in less than 5-hours time, I told them I had made a mistake. I told them I meant 'NEXT' Tuesday because I had gotten Taz's pay-dates mixed up. I told them I needed money for my train pass and apologized because this was my fault for not double checking.
I know it was a big fat lie...I know that I am really pushing my luck with this company because they could just refuse to hire me. But, at the same time...Taz only wants one more weekend, and I do too. I'm so torn up because of this schedule, because of this damn job that's so far away from where she is. I'm just so freakin' scared that I won't get to spend enough time with her and that being apart for so long will really damage our relationship. Taz and I are so alike...I know she needs affection just as much as I do and even more! Granted, I would never leave her because of this new schedule...but a part of me is terrified that she will say that she needs something more than what I can offer, and then she will walk away. I'm scared that because I can't go on all those adventures with her anymore that things will start to get bad between us...and I really don't want that. If only there was a way I could live with her in Vilseck...work on the base or something so that we were always together and I could get out of this flat because I hate it here (but that is another rant).
...and that bring me to the next set of emotions: DOMA.
Everyone in the LGBT Community knows what DOMA is (The Defense Against Marriage Act). While it does not have any control over the separate marriage laws in each State, what is does is that...if repealed, all marriages done legally for Gay Couples must be recognized no matter what. That means if someone gets married in one state legally, and moves to another state that does not have gay marriage, that couple is still married. And because the marriages would have to be recognized in all states, if DOMA were repealed, then Taz and I could get married, and then, we could possible live together on base. Rulings for DOMA are said be out by July...that's 3 months away...too damn long. I'm not saying Taz is going to marry me, and obviously, the Army changing its policies would take some time...but what I'm saying is that Taz mentioned marrying me, getting me to live on base with her, and not even caring if I found work outside of fast-food on the base just because she wants me close.It just seems like that would be a dream come true if I could marry her here in Germany, spend the next 2-3 years close enough to her to where I could hold her almost every single night, and then return as a married couple to the States, to begin our lives together.
A part of me was so happy to hear her talk about marriage again (since lately she has been so doubtful of us ever getting married or having a full-committed relationship for more than a set period of time)...but then, a part of me knew that while we may think it sounds so simple (DOMA gets repealed, we get married, move in, done)...it would not be that simple. The Army and the military in general does not change its policies at the snap of a finger. It could still be years or months before they changed their rules...it could be so much time that once it gets repealed and Taz learns of all the things she will have to go through to apply for housing and what-not, she might not even want to do it.I mean, I would love to get out of this flat...have my own place that I could decorate and clean when I felt like it. My own fridge that I didn't have to battle for space to put the things I want to eat. A place with a washer and dryer and something other than an old boiler-heater. I would love to snuggle up next to my woman every night she comes home from work, give her a foot rub, share a hot shower, and make love whenever we please and as loudly as we desire. I would love to be able to have pets again...and just have my freedom again. Both Taz and I (with our current living situations) feel like such miserable slaves...we just want our old lives back, and DOMA getting repealed could really help with all of that. So I'm really happy to hear her bring up marriage again...but I'm also so sad and scared because, with my working starting in the next week, and with how fragile things have been lately...in 3 months time, we might not even be together. In 3 months time, she might have moved on to someone else that has all the time in the world for her, someone closer, someone more reliable and available...and in 3 months time, DOMA might not allow me to live with her if they keep the act in place, and then it's another 2-3 years of this distance between us, and I guess I'm just not really sure which one of the two of us would break first and really fuck things up beyond repair.
I just...I love Taz so much. She has taken care of me and dished out so much money to keep me here, keep me fed...and take me on dates and adventures. She has given me so much and has asked for nothing in return other than my love and devotion. She can be an ass sometimes, and her temper tends to get the better of her...but really, I am no better. I mean, I just could not ask for a better woman in my life, and so, just thinking about all the things that will be coming between us in the next week and will continue to drive a wedge between us for the next 2-3 years...it's a little too much for me to handle right now.
Thinking of her makes me smile...thinking about starting work makes me cry. Thinking about being able to marry her and live with her makes my heart beat happily and makes me feel giggly, but coming back down to earth and realizing that all of that is wishful thinking is the most painful part of all...and lastly, knowing that this is our last weekend together as a couple with no schedule and all the time in the world: unlimited // knowing that all of that will disappear by next Tuesday, I am just...shattered right now. Literally wanting to curl up into a ball and sob into my pillow all night long. 
Anyone else ever feel like this? Have anything that could help me out?