TOO MANY TEARS... I\'m TIRED of Crying !!!!!

 I don't know WHETHER TO CRY, OR TO SCREAM.... MAYBE BOTH ???!!!! I'm fed up with His B.S.... I'm FRUSTRATED... AND SICK AND TIRED OF IT ALL !!!!! WHY IS EVERYTHING ALWAYS " MY FAULT " ? WHY IS IT THAT I'M THE ONE THAT SAYS " I'M SORRY " THE MOST, WHEN IT SHOULD BE THE OTHER WAY AROUND ?IF He even had a CLUE as to HOW sick I am of it all... WOULD HE EVEN CARE ? WOULD HE DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT ? SOMETHING POSITIVE TO CHANGE IT ? I HIGHLY DOUBT IT ! Among OTHER THINGS that He does His Best to CONTROL... Because of My BF, I have Limited Time Online ! To ME that's NUTS, since this is MY DAMN COMPUTER after all ! But, in order to TRY to " Keep the Peace ", I abide by HIS RULES ! I've been very tired of it lately, though, since it's always the SAME THING ! HE can spend as MUCH Time ONLINE as HE WANTS TO, but when it comes to MY TIME Online He does His Very Best to TRY to make Me feel like the WORST Person in the World for even saying I want to go Online for awhile ! As much as He would NEVER want to hear this... Obviously He's very much a CONTROL FREAK about this..... as Well as several Other Things, for that matter ! A Great Example would be when We're watching a TV Show, and one of My Family Members Calls during it ! OMG !!!!! He threws a FIT about this !!!! I TRY to reason with Him, and remind Him that... " HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT THEY'RE GOING TO CALL ??But... He WON'T listen to REASON when He's boiling over with RAGE ! So as an Alternative, in order for Him to NOT have a FIT - ( just in CASE someone calls ), We end up turning the Ringer OFF on the Phone next to the Recliner Chairs, and the VOLUME DOWN ALL THE WAY on the Answering Machine so We wouldn't even hear it pick up, if someone called ! I agree to this for the sake of PEACE. I just HOPE that ONE DAY noone in My Family is trying to reach Me if there's an EMERGENCY, and they can't reach Me because of this ! As far as the Phone goes... it doesn't even STOP there ! He ALSO tells Me WHO I CAN, and CAN'T CALL.... and WHEN I'M ' ALLOWED ' TO MAKE A CALL !!!!! Just call this MY JAIL I guess !!! since the Way He is for the Most Part, sure as Heck makes it feel that Way.AND YET.... JUST EARLIER TODAY... He was whinning that I MAKE THINGS HARD ON HIM !!!!! HOW ON EARTH DO I DO THAT ???? I TRIED TO ASK HIM.... BUT... HE HAD NO ANSWER ! WHY did He have NO ANSWER ?... Because There is NOTHING that I purposely do to MAKE THINGS HARD ON HIM, as He CLAIMED ! JUST BEFORE He laid down for a Nap This Afternoon, He was picking on Me like Crazy !!!! By " Picking on Me ", I mean... Throwing Things at Me - like a Pillow, or the Sheet I keep by my recliner chair, and a few soft - stuffed cloth baseballs, AND tickling My Feet or My Sides while I had a Soda in My Hand. When I had ENOUGH of this... AFTER continuously telling Him to STOP, and just GO TO BED !.... I slipped, and I called Him " LOONEY " one time. That ONE TIME was ENOUGH to very nearly send Him into a FULL-BLOWN RAGE ! I could see it in His Eyes.... AND Playfully ??? Maybe ? He was standing behind My Recliner Chair with My Sheet in Both of His Hands, and Twice He started to Try to WRAP IT around My NECK AS IF He was going to TRY to CHOKE ME with IT ! I told Him I'm VERY SORRY for calling You " LOONEY ", and that I didn't mean it... that I was just PLAYING !... and I told Him to ' STOP ' with the Sheet, because He was SCARING ME ! He stopped.... put the sheet down... and silently went to the Bedroom... closing the Door behind Him.Would He have ACTUALLY tried to Choke Me ???? I'm not sure... I HOPE He wouldn't even ATTEMPT to do such a Thing !... and that He was Really just STILL Playing !Right Now, I'm just TRYING to type as quietly as I can, because I'm HOPING that He'll STAY ASLEEP for MANY HOURS, so I'll have some Peaceful Time to Myself ! PLUS... I'm HOPING that He'll Wake Up in a MUCH BETTER MOOD than He was when He went in the Bedroom to take a Nap ! I don't want to deal with Him in a LOUSY, and ANGRY, Mood Tonight. I simply want a PEACEFUL, and ENJOYABLE, Evening ! I don't think that's TOO MUCH to Hope for !Don't I DESERVE to be Happy, and Do What I WANT TO DO for a CHANGE ???? WHY does He ALWAYS have to make it seem like I'm being UNREASONABLE just because I'm asking for what's FAIR ?I Love Him.... DESPITE IT ALL... but Lately I've been asking Myself... " HOW CAN I LOVE SOMEONE LIKE HIM ? "AM I NUTS TO STILL BE ABLE TO SAY THAT I LOVE HIM ??!! I WISH I KNEW.The Way He Treats Me at Times, I'm almost ashamed to say that I still LOVE HIM ! It makes Me WONDER... " WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME ? "