Too late.
OMG, where to begin...
The X is dying. As I write this, he's in ICU at the Rapid City Hospital, where the nurses said last night that he's being tube fed, goes in and out of consciousness.
I don't want to have to do this... but I don't see how there's any other choice. I hold the health care power of attorney. And there's nothing left... after the last DUI, it looks like he lost all his income. He sold his truck, boat and camper to his landlord just to cover his rent. Last week, he decided he'd finally hit bottom, stopped drinking, went to the doctor to find out how bad things were so he could get checked in to rehab and they immediately admitted him, then transferred him to Rapid City....
So here I am, 5am, trying to decide if I should make the 45 minute drive in the rain and snow to go down there this morning to find out how bad things really are. I don't think he'd want me there. And worse, the POA says he wants no treatment. So once I show the POA, they'll disconnect everything - he has no money to pay for care.... How in the world am I going to break this to his parents?! His father being the one who's so gravely ill.....
Well, on an unrelated note... I finally decided to go to the boss yesterday. I sent him an email listing everything that's going on... As I clicked the send button, I figured that if the boss was also trying to push me out of the company, that maybe it was time... that synchrodestiny thing... because I have the finances to do it... and it would allow me to move right into that real estate licensing school...
And so with a little fear, I hit send... an hour later, my boss called. He had NO IDEA. We went through each point; we talked about how it was affecting everything in the numbers, affecting our customers, and he instructed me to make the changes needed to fix everything. He said that the Corp manager had NO AUTHORITY to pull the stuff she's been pulling and he's going to be sitting down with her on Monday to talk about the power kick she's been on (his words, not mine)....
I got home last night, started the dog feedings (I have 6 dogs in my house this weekend), and she called. I wasn't about to answer the phone.... my time is MY time and nothing she has to say is important enough to call my home. She left a message that she's swapped my computer for a newer one (about damn time). And that's when my son came over and told me that the X was no longer living in his motel room....
I think I'll stop over at the landlord's this morning first, find out how much the X owed him... and if it was under $2,000, I'll see if I can buy back the X's things (truck, boat, camper) back and have it all moved into the yard here...
Gees, I don't want to do this.... The "should I" questions... should I go down now? Or should i wait until after we have dinner at noon today (my son is cooking) and go with my son so we can find out the worst of this together? Should I just walk away (well no, emotionally, that's not an option for me).... Gees, I don't want to do this.....
The X is dying. As I write this, he's in ICU at the Rapid City Hospital, where the nurses said last night that he's being tube fed, goes in and out of consciousness.
I don't want to have to do this... but I don't see how there's any other choice. I hold the health care power of attorney. And there's nothing left... after the last DUI, it looks like he lost all his income. He sold his truck, boat and camper to his landlord just to cover his rent. Last week, he decided he'd finally hit bottom, stopped drinking, went to the doctor to find out how bad things were so he could get checked in to rehab and they immediately admitted him, then transferred him to Rapid City....
So here I am, 5am, trying to decide if I should make the 45 minute drive in the rain and snow to go down there this morning to find out how bad things really are. I don't think he'd want me there. And worse, the POA says he wants no treatment. So once I show the POA, they'll disconnect everything - he has no money to pay for care.... How in the world am I going to break this to his parents?! His father being the one who's so gravely ill.....
Well, on an unrelated note... I finally decided to go to the boss yesterday. I sent him an email listing everything that's going on... As I clicked the send button, I figured that if the boss was also trying to push me out of the company, that maybe it was time... that synchrodestiny thing... because I have the finances to do it... and it would allow me to move right into that real estate licensing school...
And so with a little fear, I hit send... an hour later, my boss called. He had NO IDEA. We went through each point; we talked about how it was affecting everything in the numbers, affecting our customers, and he instructed me to make the changes needed to fix everything. He said that the Corp manager had NO AUTHORITY to pull the stuff she's been pulling and he's going to be sitting down with her on Monday to talk about the power kick she's been on (his words, not mine)....
I got home last night, started the dog feedings (I have 6 dogs in my house this weekend), and she called. I wasn't about to answer the phone.... my time is MY time and nothing she has to say is important enough to call my home. She left a message that she's swapped my computer for a newer one (about damn time). And that's when my son came over and told me that the X was no longer living in his motel room....
I think I'll stop over at the landlord's this morning first, find out how much the X owed him... and if it was under $2,000, I'll see if I can buy back the X's things (truck, boat, camper) back and have it all moved into the yard here...
Gees, I don't want to do this.... The "should I" questions... should I go down now? Or should i wait until after we have dinner at noon today (my son is cooking) and go with my son so we can find out the worst of this together? Should I just walk away (well no, emotionally, that's not an option for me).... Gees, I don't want to do this.....
Replies
So sorry!
I am sorry to hear this news, but I am questioning whether or not that POA is still valid. After all, if you are divorced, it would seem to me that it would no longer be considered valid...ESPECIALLY since you no longer have any legal tie to him.
I just read on this link where in some states, divorce invalidates any Powers of Attorney in force: http://elder-law.lawyers.com/Health-Care-Power-of-Attorney.html
So sorry for you! I know this is a tuff one. I am not you, but if this was me, I would tell my son and see if he would like to go with me. I would tell him the soonest we could go would be after Thanksgiving dinner. But I would go, just not in a huge hurry. I think I would feel awful if I didn\'t go and this really was his time to go. I would want to say good bye, no matter what. After all he is the father of my son and I was married to him for many years that were not all bad or difficult. But again that is me, others here on DS will probably be able to give you much better advice. I wish I could be there for you. As to his father, again you need to see your X in order to truly know how he is really doing. Then of course I would break the news to his father. Again, unless the father is in a coma himself, I think he should be told something about his son\'s health and situation. Great big ((Hugs))
I am so sorry for what you are being faced with and having to go through. You need to do what is good for you and your son. Sadly your ex made his choices and so you don\'t have to feel responsible for his choices.
This is a really horrible dilemma to be faced with, and a really tough decision.
If I was you I would consult your son. He is an adult now and can help you with this decision. ((hugs))
I also am sorry that you have to deal with this, and that your ex is so ill. I think and this is just my way, that it is better to see someone if they are dying than not. You can never get that back, and if you do not go, you may regret it. If he is not conscious, you can be there for support, and if he is, you can always leave if uncomfortable. I have had a lot of death and loss in my life. My experience with family members was that they could not face it at the time, but had regrets later.
As to Power of Health Care and a Living will, you do not have to be married or related to someone to have that in place of course. I do believe that if you do not want to make that decision, even if it is legal, you have the right to not do it, make the decision, divorce or not. I do know that the hospital will have that information, and they will have someone who will talk to you about the legality of it and options. Tell them you did divorce. It is not quite as it seems sometimes with stopping life support, it is quite involved. Again I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I would talk this over with your son, and I believe you have to let his parents know what is going on, if you can. This is very hard. I so wish you the best and hope you find peace with you decisions. HUG
I\'m with the others. You were married a long time and not all of your marriage was bad. Go with your son to offer him support. You don\'t have to see your ex is you are uncomfortable doing so.
Do contact his parents before you go. This is a hard time for you and I\'m so sorry you are in this position.