Tonight I write
I am sitting at home by myself waiting for my wife to come home from an Alanon meeting. She goes to those meetings because of my issues around altered states of consciousness. I abuse substances and it affects her. In the beginning she would use with me but as our marriage progressed, we just celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary, I began to plan all of our trips around drug use. She caught on pretty quick and began to really examine the relationship we had and whether or not she wanted to stay with me. Really, she, we did'nt want to relive our parents mstakes in their marriages. Between our 4 parents there are 12 divorces. That is some marriage disfunction in our lineage. I am catching myself looking out over the last few months of my life and I am becoming her father and my mother. Both addicts who used drugs to medicate themselves out of a few marriages. Its so hard to look at my wife these days and believe that I am her prince. I feel like I am breaking her heart and yet I continue down the same path. As I write I am realizing that I am placing all of the attention on my wife. I am letting her down, not being her prince. I guess I should focus on me. I am important to me, right. I should be. Important to myself that is. I matter. I have a tornadoe of thoughts circling through my mind and I am not sure what to write. It boils down to this, I am disappointed in Adam Vance as a man. In many roles of my life I feel like I don't allow myself to fully experience it. To try and fail. I choose to not try at all. I am crying right now and its a relief. *Pause I sometimes feel like a young boy. As if I stopped maturing around 13 or 14. I have trauma there so it makes sense. Truthfully, I am a wonderful man. Goodnight. My princess in sparkle and shimmer has just arrivedSmile!!!
Replies
Such an honest and heartfelt entry. You have self awareness and insight Adam but your behavior is driven by unconscious forces stemming from unresolved conflict...I know you know this...what strikes me most with this entry is how hard you are on yourself....that tendency only serves to drive your addictive proclivities. You are a good man Adam...better to focus on the beauty you possess than the darkness in your soul. You are still in the self identity process and discovering who you are....please try to be gentle with yourself as you try to sort things out. Measure yourself by your progress forward not your steps backwards...for you will always have both in your life. Maybe you\'re not the person you want to be right now but life is nothing more that focus and choice...you can always change your focus and make a different choices... you\'ve identified the problem (addiction to altering consciousness) and express the desire to \"change\"....that\'s half the battle.....through rigorous honesty and commitment you CAN change this behavior and be the person you know you can be..and in doing so fulfill the potential that your loving wife sees in you... but you can\'t do it for her...you must do it for you. You\'ve had a lot of trauma and heartache in your young life including what happened at 13...to a certain extent, you\'re right...in some ways you still are that 13/14 year old boy...but your so much more and that can\'t be held up as an excuse...just dealt with...again, I think you are too inclined to focus on the mistakes and where you fall short. I think you\'ve done amazingly well in so many ways. I am proud to know you. You have a beautiful soul and spirit and I have every confidence that you will find yourself and will become the man you want to be. Set you goal...commit to it. It is true...if you don\'t \"try\" it\'s unlikely you arrive where you want to be,and it\'s also true, you might fail sometimes but so what? You make adjustments and try again, and again and again until you succeed. As Nike would say...\"Just Do It\". All my love David