Tonight I write

I am sitting at home by myself waiting for my wife to come home from an Alanon meeting. She goes to those meetings because of my issues around altered states of consciousness. I abuse substances and it affects her. In the beginning she would use with me but as our marriage progressed, we just celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary, I began to plan all of our trips around drug use. She caught on pretty quick and began to really examine the relationship we had and whether or not she wanted to stay with me. Really, she, we did'nt want to relive our parents mstakes in their marriages. Between our 4 parents there are 12 divorces. That is some marriage disfunction in our lineage. I am catching myself looking out over the last few months of my life and I am becoming her father and my mother. Both addicts who used drugs to medicate themselves out of a few marriages. Its so hard to look at my wife these days and believe that I am her prince. I feel like I am breaking her heart and yet I continue down the same path. As I write I am realizing that I am placing all of the attention on my wife. I am letting her down, not being her prince. I guess I should focus on me. I am important to me, right. I should be. Important to myself that is. I matter. I have a tornadoe of thoughts circling through my mind and I am not sure what to write. It boils down to this, I am disappointed in Adam Vance as a man. In many roles of my life I feel like I don't allow myself to fully experience it. To try and fail. I choose to not try at all. I am crying right now and its a relief. *Pause  I sometimes feel like a young boy. As if I stopped maturing around 13 or 14. I have trauma there so it makes sense. Truthfully, I am a wonderful man.   Goodnight.  My princess in sparkle and shimmer has just arrivedSmile!!!