Tomorrow it's " OVER " yet Again... WHY am I Not Happy about it ???!?!?!?

 I've been down this Road before, many times actually. So You would think that I'd be Familiar with it enough to NOT feel This Heart Broken over Him Leaving Me AGAIN. Especially considering the FACT that This Time His Leaving was MY Choice ! But, I'm STILL just as Heart Broken as ANY of the " Other " Times, if not maybe even More since I know deep down in My Heart & Soul that " This Time " HAS TO BE THE LAST TIME ! What I mean by that is that for My Own Sanity's Sake - Peace of Mind - and Overall Well-Being, I simply CAN'T allow Him to EVER Come Back into My Life YET AGAIN ! NEVER ! He's PROVEN to Me TOO MANY TIMES that He will NEVER Truly Change, even though He likes to " claim " that He's a lot " better " than He used to be. That's not really True... at least not as far as what counts most of all - the Way He Treats the " ONE " that He's With. The ONLY Way He's SLIGHTLY changed is how He deals with Various so-called " Frustrating Situations ". I had to say " so-called ", since honestly for Most People those Situations wouldn't be Very Frustrating. He doesn't react 100 % of the Time to those Situations by automatically exploding out at Everyone Around Him in a RAGING & DESTRUCTIVE FIT  - like a Sudden MEGA-TORNADO barreling through hurting, and destroying, EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE IN IT'S PATH ! The thing is that it's ONLY a difference of Maybe 25 - 30 % of the Time ! The OTHER PART of the Time He's PROVEN to Me that He STILL has NO CONTROL over the RAGING BEAST that lurks just Underneath His Otherwise " Charming " Exterior !
 With ALL of That being said, You would Think that I'd be Thrilled, and Ready to Jump Up and Down with JOY over His Departure Tomorrow Night. BUT, I'm NOT completely Happy about it.
 After EVERYTHING that He's put Me through I suppose I SHOULD BE HAPPY, but I can't seem to help feeling completely HEART BROKEN, AND SHATTERED, over This !
 Maybe it's just because I tried SO HARD... SO MANY TIMES... to Make Things work out between Him, and I... But Ultimately NOTHING really Ever Changed !
 PLUS, Somehow... As Nuts as this may sound, I have LOVED HIM throughout it ALL !
 Even through the Worst of it ALL... When I should have KICKED Him OUT... I still HOPED that Things would CHANGE ! HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO GULLIBLE ?!?! SO NAIVE ???!?!?
 I guess I've been Wearing " ROSE-COLORED GLASSES " this Entire Time with Him, but FINALLY I woke Up to REALITY, and realized that I CAN'T AVOID THE TRUTH ANY LONGER !
  I even told Him a few days ago when We were having a Calm Discussion about " US ", that I've ALWAYS LOVED HIM, AND PROBABLY ALWAYS WILL... BUT I've realized that I simply CAN'T KEEP POUNDING MY HEAD AGAINST A " BRICK WALL " ANYMORE ! The " BRICK WALL " I meant was ME continually HOPING that His RAGE PROBLEMS would SOMEHOW SUDDENLY ' GO AWAY '... AND NO LONGER BE ' EVER- PRESENT '... LURKING, AND READY TO STRIKE OUT AT THE LEAST LITTLE BIT OF PROVICATION !
 TOO MANY TIMES... FAR TOO MANY !... I'd be having what I " THOUGHT " was a " GOOD DAY " with HIM, but then I'd say " SOMETHING "... OR do " SOMETHING ".. and SUDDENLY HE'D EXPLODE AT ME IN A FIT OF RAGE TO RIVAL THE MOST FIERCE OF WILD ANIMALS ! Because of HIS RAGE too Many Times I would end up Physically HURT, and/or something of Mine would end up DESTROYED ! Several Times the Object, or Objects, He DESTROYED would be Something COMPLETELY IRREPLACEABLE ! ... like a Piece of Art Work I did when I was in " High School " !
 WHO CAN LIVE WITH ' SOMEONE ' LIKE THAT ??????? WHO ?????
NOONE ... I'VE FINALLY REALIZED !
The Biggest " Catch " to ALL of this CHAOS is the REALIZING what I MUST DO, AND even KNOWING that it'll be for MY BENEFIT IN THE LONG RUN; STILL DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY EASIER TO DEAL WITH !!!!!
HOW DO YOU LET GO OF HOPE ?????? HOW DO YOU DO THAT, AND NOT FEEL LIKE IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD ?????
I guess I Need to Look at this Differently I suppose.... since I do KNOW that IF I EVER WANT A SENSE OF PEACE, SENSE OF SECURITY, AND SENSE OF OVERALL SAFETY AND WELL-BEING, in MY LIFE AGAIN... I SIMPLY CAN'T HAVE THAT WITH ' HIM ' !
SO I'M DOING WHAT I MUST DO... NO MATTER THE ' COST ' TO MY HEART !
I JUST HOPE THAT THIS HEART BREAK DOESN'T TAKE VERY LONG TO FADE AWAY !
I CAN'T STAND THIS PAIN !
AND I DON'T... DEFINITELY DON'T... WANT TO EVER GIVE IN YET AGAIN ONE DAY, AND END UP TAKING HIM BACK.... AGAIN !
THAT CAN NOT EVER HAPPEN AGAIN, AND I KNOW IT !