Tolerance?
tol·er·ate
[tol-uh-reyt]
verb (used with object), tol·er·at·ed, tol·er·at·ing.
1.
to allow the existence, presence, practice, or act of withoutprohibition or hindrance; permit.
2.
to endure without repugnance; put up with:
This is how I believe she feels about me and everyday she shows it more and more. She swears i was holding out on finances yet the day the money hit my card i told her and her response was "must be nice"....then a few days later she wakes up with an attitude because she feels like i was hiding $ or something. Then she sends me a msg going on and on about struggling financially yet every time i offer to help she acts as if MY money isnt good enough to pay HER bills.
she would spend her last dollar buying for someone else and neglects herself so I do for her with no issue. but it bothers the fuck outta me when she throws it back up in my face that im not contributing enough financially. She goes as far as to say shit like "yeah you cook and clen and take care of the kids, but that doesnt keep a roof over our heads"....im just in awe at stuff like that because no it may not keep the roof over our heads, but it does maintain the one that we have.
she has the habit of detaching herself emotionally from situations to avoid getting hurt, which is understandable but her approach to our "situation" has gotten so far off in left field that i feel like she is my boss and if i dont make quota i will be fired. Some days everything is okay and she actually not only acknowledges my existence but seems to enjoy it, then most days she wakes up and acts as if the sight of me just ruined her whole day....like seriously how do you wake up mad at me??? I sleep in another room so you have your space, I stay out of your way, I dont ask for much of anything from you yet somehow through put the course of the night i managed to piss you off in my sleep???
Now i have issues with my blood pressure...no idea how i'm gong to be able to manage that because goddess knows i already have so much going on. Trying to find a job but now not sure whats going on with my health, need childcare...she says she has it and dont worry about the cost....but isnt $$$ the root of all the issues according to her? We dont communicate and she is really big on this separate but equal thing where we get straiht separately then come back together.
As goo and as simple as it sounds, to be honest..... I NEED HER IN MY LIFE & AN AS INADEQUATE AS SHE MAKES ME FEEL NOW, LIKE IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH OR I DON'T DO ENOUGH, I AM AFRAID THAT SHE WILL GO AND FIND SOMEONE ELSE.
i think that is the first time i have openly admitted that to myself and others. I do love her but i know i may not be what she needs. I am dying right in front of her in more ways than one and i have faith that things will come together so i try to enjoy the things i took for granted before but she is so focused she has tunnel vision. I respect her ambition and her grind but this is a new role for me. im the worker, caterer, the caregiver yet the roles have been reversed. She wants to raise hell when i try to take care of her but expects me to be ok with her taking care of me.
i honestly can not see myself with anyone else so if it truly is the end for us, then its the end for me. I will live out my days solo and at this point, I am okay with that. I understand that she is trying to build herself up, but why cant she see that she is tearing me down in the process. I try to stay out of her way, dont speak to her unless spoken to, avoid her physically....but every time i see her, especially when she is focused on something...i am reminded of how things were when we met the first year or so... i remember all the thing i fell in love with. i still see that woman, but she makes it known on a daily basis that she has... outgrown me (for lack of a better term).
I try to give her me and she is afraid to accept which is understandable so i try to give her the world and it is thrown up in my face later....i have nothing else to offer. She wants me to post ads and i get frustrated trying to so i offer other options, i make fliers, send out texts, blast her to my clients on my sites and pass out her business cards when i go out, but that's not good enough because no one is calling and apparently according to her that's my fault?!?
STRESS KILLS this 2x a day pill i just got today proves it...smh idk what else to do.
[tol-uh-reyt]
verb (used with object), tol·er·at·ed, tol·er·at·ing.
1.
to allow the existence, presence, practice, or act of withoutprohibition or hindrance; permit.
2.
to endure without repugnance; put up with:
This is how I believe she feels about me and everyday she shows it more and more. She swears i was holding out on finances yet the day the money hit my card i told her and her response was "must be nice"....then a few days later she wakes up with an attitude because she feels like i was hiding $ or something. Then she sends me a msg going on and on about struggling financially yet every time i offer to help she acts as if MY money isnt good enough to pay HER bills.
she would spend her last dollar buying for someone else and neglects herself so I do for her with no issue. but it bothers the fuck outta me when she throws it back up in my face that im not contributing enough financially. She goes as far as to say shit like "yeah you cook and clen and take care of the kids, but that doesnt keep a roof over our heads"....im just in awe at stuff like that because no it may not keep the roof over our heads, but it does maintain the one that we have.
she has the habit of detaching herself emotionally from situations to avoid getting hurt, which is understandable but her approach to our "situation" has gotten so far off in left field that i feel like she is my boss and if i dont make quota i will be fired. Some days everything is okay and she actually not only acknowledges my existence but seems to enjoy it, then most days she wakes up and acts as if the sight of me just ruined her whole day....like seriously how do you wake up mad at me??? I sleep in another room so you have your space, I stay out of your way, I dont ask for much of anything from you yet somehow through put the course of the night i managed to piss you off in my sleep???
Now i have issues with my blood pressure...no idea how i'm gong to be able to manage that because goddess knows i already have so much going on. Trying to find a job but now not sure whats going on with my health, need childcare...she says she has it and dont worry about the cost....but isnt $$$ the root of all the issues according to her? We dont communicate and she is really big on this separate but equal thing where we get straiht separately then come back together.
As goo and as simple as it sounds, to be honest..... I NEED HER IN MY LIFE & AN AS INADEQUATE AS SHE MAKES ME FEEL NOW, LIKE IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH OR I DON'T DO ENOUGH, I AM AFRAID THAT SHE WILL GO AND FIND SOMEONE ELSE.
i think that is the first time i have openly admitted that to myself and others. I do love her but i know i may not be what she needs. I am dying right in front of her in more ways than one and i have faith that things will come together so i try to enjoy the things i took for granted before but she is so focused she has tunnel vision. I respect her ambition and her grind but this is a new role for me. im the worker, caterer, the caregiver yet the roles have been reversed. She wants to raise hell when i try to take care of her but expects me to be ok with her taking care of me.
i honestly can not see myself with anyone else so if it truly is the end for us, then its the end for me. I will live out my days solo and at this point, I am okay with that. I understand that she is trying to build herself up, but why cant she see that she is tearing me down in the process. I try to stay out of her way, dont speak to her unless spoken to, avoid her physically....but every time i see her, especially when she is focused on something...i am reminded of how things were when we met the first year or so... i remember all the thing i fell in love with. i still see that woman, but she makes it known on a daily basis that she has... outgrown me (for lack of a better term).
I try to give her me and she is afraid to accept which is understandable so i try to give her the world and it is thrown up in my face later....i have nothing else to offer. She wants me to post ads and i get frustrated trying to so i offer other options, i make fliers, send out texts, blast her to my clients on my sites and pass out her business cards when i go out, but that's not good enough because no one is calling and apparently according to her that's my fault?!?
STRESS KILLS this 2x a day pill i just got today proves it...smh idk what else to do.
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