Today was a very sad day for me.

Today I had to go to work and turn in my badge and say good bye to my co workers. It figures, several years ago I had gone to work there and liked both the work, and most of my co workers. I had finally found the place I planned to stay until retirement. But life had other plans. I don't think anyone thinks that they will get hurt and end up disabiled for the rest of their life. I know I didn't. But I appreciate all kinds of things now that I did not then. One of them is that where I worked was more like an extended family than just co workers. We knew and care about each other's lives and it was very sad to go in and tell them I wouldn't be coming back. Even though it has been over a year since I last worked, it showed that several of them seem to have thought I was coming back, it was just a matter of getting better. How I wish I could just get better! Instead I have this stupid progressive worsening dysorder, and now I am fighting to stay moving and not give up.  I think the not give up is the most probmatic of it, it is so easy to loose hope and think if this is what I am going to be like or horror yet even worse, then why do I want to go there? The whole time I was talking with my co workers, the inside of my left leg felt like it was being flayed with a knife anywhere the seam in the pants were touching. Several people wanted hugs, and I willingly gave them even though it caused emense pain from the hug. How sad is it that a genuine, caring hug causes large amounts of pain?  Even my husband can get down and fustrated because of not being able to touch me without causing pain. It had been getting better, less intense when touched but today it flaired up big time. Of course, I haven't had the best of days today, or last night. On the way home from the doctor, a rock was thrown up from the road and broke my car's windshield, this afternoon when I went out to get in the car I discovered it had a flat tire and my husband went and got it fixed before I could go to work to see everyone there. On top of that my pain was flairing big time, headaches that are so intense I can hardly see out of my left eye, leg pain that was worse from the simple touch of clothes, and then having to go and say good bye.  I'm glad it's done, now hope the pain will calm down if I just go still for a few days. Just moving around to go to doctor's appointments and little things like the trip to work cause intense pain flair ups, yet I get fustrated wanting to go do simple things like shop for christmas. I think I have cabin fever I want out of the house, to go do something, anything! Yet, the pain can cause me to hesitate to go anywhere, because it gets so bad. Kind of a catch 22. Well I have to go out again tomorrow because the car is scheduled to have the windshield fixed, I wonder will the pain flair ups get better if I go out more often? I guess we might find out. Well, my eye is making this very difficult to type so I'm stopping for now.