Today Sucks
So I started the day giving my partner (formerly known as my husband) advice on how to cope with depression... advice that he really took to heart.
Then there were some frustrating texts, more "why did you lie" (speaking of the past) declaring things were lies that weren't (I don't correct him now. I will eventually, but there's no point at the moment), and complete dismissal of the honesty that I showed him by choosing to share something that I could have easily covered up, but didn't. (It wasn't a big deal thing either, even he said so.)
Then, I called to give him some good news... it's been a while since I could do that after the adultery... the call started off light as he had just texted me about the change in price of Jack In The Box Tacos (which we have always agreed would signal the apocalypse since the price has been the same for two decades), so we were joking about that. (Which was really nice.) Then I told him that the STD testing all came back negative and that I had the paperwork.
His response? "Why are you happy about that? You should NOT be happy. This is NOT a good thing. Good would have been not to cheat. No, that would have just been par for the course..." And it went on like that. (It's been 6 weeks since the confrontation.) Later in the call he announced that he is pawning our wedding rings and tore into me when I asked him not to. Then it was point out this flaw, point out that one... I eventually politely got off of the phone. (It was obviously a bad moment.)
I know what I did was despicable. It doesn't matter what his behaviors were before it started, it is still my fault and it is disgusting.
But it would be nice to go a SINGLE day without being barraded. I have never barraded him in 12 years. Not once. I have rarely (I mean a time or two per year) yelled at him, even when angry. I have not been perfect, but I was a damned good woman for over a decade.
All I want now is to move forward. I am making progress with my issues, and he has worked on some of his. It's hard though to keep being called a liar when even throughout this process he has lied REPEATEDLY. (He even made up a crazy story that he knew would worry me to death at one point to "even the playing field". He came clean weeks later.) I just want some semblance of normal, or even just a day without being put down.
Now, I get to deal with facing a sexual assault that I hadn't dealt with yet.
I am exhausted.
Then there were some frustrating texts, more "why did you lie" (speaking of the past) declaring things were lies that weren't (I don't correct him now. I will eventually, but there's no point at the moment), and complete dismissal of the honesty that I showed him by choosing to share something that I could have easily covered up, but didn't. (It wasn't a big deal thing either, even he said so.)
Then, I called to give him some good news... it's been a while since I could do that after the adultery... the call started off light as he had just texted me about the change in price of Jack In The Box Tacos (which we have always agreed would signal the apocalypse since the price has been the same for two decades), so we were joking about that. (Which was really nice.) Then I told him that the STD testing all came back negative and that I had the paperwork.
His response? "Why are you happy about that? You should NOT be happy. This is NOT a good thing. Good would have been not to cheat. No, that would have just been par for the course..." And it went on like that. (It's been 6 weeks since the confrontation.) Later in the call he announced that he is pawning our wedding rings and tore into me when I asked him not to. Then it was point out this flaw, point out that one... I eventually politely got off of the phone. (It was obviously a bad moment.)
I know what I did was despicable. It doesn't matter what his behaviors were before it started, it is still my fault and it is disgusting.
But it would be nice to go a SINGLE day without being barraded. I have never barraded him in 12 years. Not once. I have rarely (I mean a time or two per year) yelled at him, even when angry. I have not been perfect, but I was a damned good woman for over a decade.
All I want now is to move forward. I am making progress with my issues, and he has worked on some of his. It's hard though to keep being called a liar when even throughout this process he has lied REPEATEDLY. (He even made up a crazy story that he knew would worry me to death at one point to "even the playing field". He came clean weeks later.) I just want some semblance of normal, or even just a day without being put down.
Now, I get to deal with facing a sexual assault that I hadn't dealt with yet.
I am exhausted.
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