Today starts the Beginning or Ending

Sure are a lot of things that go on in life...it is not enough to lose a child..the pain the depth of that, the knowing that we have to go through the rest of our lifespan, whatever, that time period is...What MORE DO WE DESERVE TO BE THROWN IN OUR FACE.....
For me, I have felt the deepest pain that can be inflicted upon me...but yet our world around us keeps moving on...revolving...and even though we would so much to throw our masks off, feel that freedom again...to have never felt this pain...yet, we have, we do....and at the same time in trying to deal with our intense pain, others in our life can add stress ...pain...To me, it is like, IT WILL NEVER STOP!!!
I can't change Ken's gone...Oh if I could I would....but I can make changes in my life that are or does continue to cause me pain....
As some of you know, I have had some problems with my marriage lately...Married 15 years...for 15 years have been asked..."JUST GIVE ME ONE MORE TIME"...Okay, how many...how many one more times....
I have changed...since Ken died...I don't want to Just Give "One More Time", so when this issue came up again....I am at the point that I wanted the marriage over.
I have thought about it...I have prayed about it....I don't want to continue this "One More Time" thing....however,
Based on some stipulations that are starting today...I am not giving him "One More Time"  I am staying strong ( I forgive very easy), I am maintaining the stipulations.
A few, he is going to counseling to help himself, not me, not our marriage,,,,but him.
We are going to go to a 4 week  Marriage Builder's Program...
and some legal things will be taking care of today....
I really never thought that I could live in the same house with someone I may be getting a divorce from....but like I said I have changed since Ken's death....
There is no Physical Abuse (if there was, he would be out now)
There is Mental Abuse (through the years), but I am Strong and will not allow it.
We do like doing a lot of the same things....so I don't feel this is a "ONE MORE TIME"  this is...THIS IS IT...even if we do not stay together and we do file for divorce, a person needs to learn from their mistakes...
If One Does Not Learn From Their Mistakes...Just as we mom's carry our children in our minds daily and wish for things to be different...we know that it will never be different.....However,
When there are problems in marriages, relationships(no matter who it is)...If the mistakes continues, the person will just have the same old type of relationship with the next person....
IT COMES A TIME, THAT ONE FIXES WHAT THEIR PROBLEM'S ARE....Recognize their problem, seek help....and learn to NOT continue to living in the same old behavior.
So today is the beginning or maybe the END...
Whatever I choose to do, I am at peace with it....I am happy with any decision I make concerning my marriage....
My saying lately is "If You Keep On Doing, What You Always Doing...nothing gets fixed.....
Sending love to all you moms....Sorry, that we have this pain we live with.....
Step at a time..
Sandi