Today's Kind of hard.....
Woke up a couple hours ago, and almost from the words "get go" things in the home have been a little stressful. My ex-fiance and I now have 6 more days that we need to live together as "so called" generic room mates. She's out in the living room right now moving right along with putting shipping boxes together as to be mailed out to here parents house, before she departs.
It's just hard to see someone packing up all they've acquired while being here into boxes and preparing to ship them out, all because of me! It's that thing that pops up every now and again, and what it is that pops up for me is called "visual reminders" of my destruction! She's all alone out there, sitting on the floor and packing up her life, and for a brief couple days, all she's packing up won't be with her, she'll ship them on August 1st, her planes departs at 11:30pm on the night of August 2nd, so for a while, she won't have to much and on certain levels, and will "go without"! Why? Because I couldn't stop myself, because I just had to "feed the beast" and lie!
God I'm going to miss here so much! I still love oh so much, but I dare not voice it, so for day's now I have had to stuff my feelings about her, not telling her I love her, not talking about reconciliations, and never asking her to stay! I know how all that would play out, she's done, she's spent and her primary focus is just to get the hell out of here and get herself back to Ohio as to be back with her parents. And I don;t blame her, if I had to deal with me for 13 months, like she's had to deal with me, the off and on attitude of mine, my ego, my off and on again hardcore judging others, my on and off again need to speak and carry myself in an intimidating ways, no way, I probably wouldn't want to live with that myself, so yeah, she's had enough!
Plus, she's at it again, out there in the living room, got her laptop computer fired up and logged into her You Tube account and once again playing all kinds of "break up" songs, spit in ones face country western songs, with messages of "how dare you" and "I'll survive without you" and "you can't stop me"! Jumping Jehoshaphat, the way I feel, if it was put into a country song would be, my woman has left me, the barn burnt down, the tractor broke down, the dog ran away, the crops have died, ect. ect. ect. if my life were a country song, that's how I'd feel about things!
I don't know folks, I know things in ones life "good" or "bad" happen for a reason, what that reason is as to why this has all come to pass is kind of hard for me to see right now. All I know that in 6 short days the woman I had hoped to spend the rest of my life with will be out the door, gone, bye bye, game over, no do overs, finished. Again my life will default back to being alone inside a pretty darn big apartment with just me, the 2 cats, and my turtle. No one to say good morning to, no one talk to, no one to go out on the town with, no one to go grocery shopping with, no one to hold, no one to touch, no one to ask....."whats for dinner Aaron"?
I'm sorry for rambling here, just what I'm going through is pretty damn hard, hard on me, and I know it's hard for my ex-fiance, I kind of feel like I have destroyed two lives, her's and mine! :(
It's just hard to see someone packing up all they've acquired while being here into boxes and preparing to ship them out, all because of me! It's that thing that pops up every now and again, and what it is that pops up for me is called "visual reminders" of my destruction! She's all alone out there, sitting on the floor and packing up her life, and for a brief couple days, all she's packing up won't be with her, she'll ship them on August 1st, her planes departs at 11:30pm on the night of August 2nd, so for a while, she won't have to much and on certain levels, and will "go without"! Why? Because I couldn't stop myself, because I just had to "feed the beast" and lie!
God I'm going to miss here so much! I still love oh so much, but I dare not voice it, so for day's now I have had to stuff my feelings about her, not telling her I love her, not talking about reconciliations, and never asking her to stay! I know how all that would play out, she's done, she's spent and her primary focus is just to get the hell out of here and get herself back to Ohio as to be back with her parents. And I don;t blame her, if I had to deal with me for 13 months, like she's had to deal with me, the off and on attitude of mine, my ego, my off and on again hardcore judging others, my on and off again need to speak and carry myself in an intimidating ways, no way, I probably wouldn't want to live with that myself, so yeah, she's had enough!
Plus, she's at it again, out there in the living room, got her laptop computer fired up and logged into her You Tube account and once again playing all kinds of "break up" songs, spit in ones face country western songs, with messages of "how dare you" and "I'll survive without you" and "you can't stop me"! Jumping Jehoshaphat, the way I feel, if it was put into a country song would be, my woman has left me, the barn burnt down, the tractor broke down, the dog ran away, the crops have died, ect. ect. ect. if my life were a country song, that's how I'd feel about things!
I don't know folks, I know things in ones life "good" or "bad" happen for a reason, what that reason is as to why this has all come to pass is kind of hard for me to see right now. All I know that in 6 short days the woman I had hoped to spend the rest of my life with will be out the door, gone, bye bye, game over, no do overs, finished. Again my life will default back to being alone inside a pretty darn big apartment with just me, the 2 cats, and my turtle. No one to say good morning to, no one talk to, no one to go out on the town with, no one to go grocery shopping with, no one to hold, no one to touch, no one to ask....."whats for dinner Aaron"?
I'm sorry for rambling here, just what I'm going through is pretty damn hard, hard on me, and I know it's hard for my ex-fiance, I kind of feel like I have destroyed two lives, her's and mine! :(
Replies