Today's 'day after'
After over a year of lurking, I have finally joined DailyStrength.org and the Gambling Addiction & Recovery group. Now lets see how long it takes me to post something. lol
My story is pretty much the same as many others, give or take a detail or two. I live in a constant state of money juggling and borrowing to make sure the bills are paid and I'm soooo tired of it. If I get ANY extra money, which pretty much won't be for a while as I am now in debt and owe money to people, it goes straight in to a slot machine.
Having said that, I'm slowly starting to slide into an area where I cannot let myself go. I'm starting to slack on the bills somewhat and find a plethora of good reasons why its really 'okay' to just take a little money and go play, despite my mounting debts. The ONLY solution is to NOT GO, EVER ! If I don't go, I can't lose the money. I have two types of credit at the casino. I have a marker for $1000, which I will use the second it becomes available again after being paid off (its deducted from my checking account about 14 days after using it) and a check cashing privilege of $600, which is deducted from my checking account within days of being used. So, at any given time I am almost always in debt to the casino for $1600 + $30 check cashing fees.
I had the debt down to $650 this week, which itself seemed almost insurmountable. ONE drink (more about that later) and the next thing I knew I was in the car driving to the casino with those very (not) generous coupons of $25. I won't spend much, maybe $100. That's it. Yeah, right ! I spent every penny I could get my hands on and now my casino debt is back up to the $1630.
ITS INSANE !!!!!
I have, over the last few weeks, come to the realization that if I don't drink, I can often talk myself out of going. I almost went to the casino on my way home from work yesterday and didn't. I was so proud of myself ! When I got home, I treated myself to some crab legs and a dirty martini as a reward to me. Well. So much for those celebratory intentions. I went to the casino and continued to drink and spend till the bar closed and I ran out of money. And to add insult to injury, after getting 3 hours of sleep I woke up this morning with a smashing headache and nausea. Great. Not only am I ruining my finances, I'm slowly killing myself with constant lack of sleep and excessive alcohol and tobacco use.
I get it. Again, like many others here, I'm pretty intelligent. I am very clear on what I'm doing to my life. And every time, its amazing to me how fast I can forgive myself and say just move on, its done, just don't do it again. Then I do it again and start the cycle all over again. IT HAS TO END.
My son is in his last year of college out of state and living in a rented house with friends (and my other son who's recently graduated college). I have JUST enough money left to get him through school and help with his rent till he graduates in May. That's it. But at the rate I'm going, there's no way I will have that money much longer. How on earth did I become this person ?
I think its safe to say I hate myself at this point, but I know I have the power to get back to normal and get back to being financially responsible and QUIT GAMBLING. I am not a believer in the 'powerless over my addiction' theory. I AM powerful and I can change this behavior. Many years ago I was a drug addict, go figure, and I beat that addiction and came back stronger than ever. I can beat this too. I will. I have to. I just have to figure out how. I guess that's why I'm on this site. Hopefully this will be another positive tool for my arsenal !
DarlingD
My story is pretty much the same as many others, give or take a detail or two. I live in a constant state of money juggling and borrowing to make sure the bills are paid and I'm soooo tired of it. If I get ANY extra money, which pretty much won't be for a while as I am now in debt and owe money to people, it goes straight in to a slot machine.
Having said that, I'm slowly starting to slide into an area where I cannot let myself go. I'm starting to slack on the bills somewhat and find a plethora of good reasons why its really 'okay' to just take a little money and go play, despite my mounting debts. The ONLY solution is to NOT GO, EVER ! If I don't go, I can't lose the money. I have two types of credit at the casino. I have a marker for $1000, which I will use the second it becomes available again after being paid off (its deducted from my checking account about 14 days after using it) and a check cashing privilege of $600, which is deducted from my checking account within days of being used. So, at any given time I am almost always in debt to the casino for $1600 + $30 check cashing fees.
I had the debt down to $650 this week, which itself seemed almost insurmountable. ONE drink (more about that later) and the next thing I knew I was in the car driving to the casino with those very (not) generous coupons of $25. I won't spend much, maybe $100. That's it. Yeah, right ! I spent every penny I could get my hands on and now my casino debt is back up to the $1630.
ITS INSANE !!!!!
I have, over the last few weeks, come to the realization that if I don't drink, I can often talk myself out of going. I almost went to the casino on my way home from work yesterday and didn't. I was so proud of myself ! When I got home, I treated myself to some crab legs and a dirty martini as a reward to me. Well. So much for those celebratory intentions. I went to the casino and continued to drink and spend till the bar closed and I ran out of money. And to add insult to injury, after getting 3 hours of sleep I woke up this morning with a smashing headache and nausea. Great. Not only am I ruining my finances, I'm slowly killing myself with constant lack of sleep and excessive alcohol and tobacco use.
I get it. Again, like many others here, I'm pretty intelligent. I am very clear on what I'm doing to my life. And every time, its amazing to me how fast I can forgive myself and say just move on, its done, just don't do it again. Then I do it again and start the cycle all over again. IT HAS TO END.
My son is in his last year of college out of state and living in a rented house with friends (and my other son who's recently graduated college). I have JUST enough money left to get him through school and help with his rent till he graduates in May. That's it. But at the rate I'm going, there's no way I will have that money much longer. How on earth did I become this person ?
I think its safe to say I hate myself at this point, but I know I have the power to get back to normal and get back to being financially responsible and QUIT GAMBLING. I am not a believer in the 'powerless over my addiction' theory. I AM powerful and I can change this behavior. Many years ago I was a drug addict, go figure, and I beat that addiction and came back stronger than ever. I can beat this too. I will. I have to. I just have to figure out how. I guess that's why I'm on this site. Hopefully this will be another positive tool for my arsenal !
DarlingD
Replies
darlingD, it is sounds insanely unpossible, but it is possible to Stop. Please, know you are not alone and there is always someone who will love you until you love yourself, who will understand you and not judge you and who can give you support. Gambling is not a financial problem, gambling addiction is an emotional problem and it takes a great deal of desire for a change to succeed... which I can read in your journaling.
Thank you. Today is only Day 4, yet it feels like longer because for the very first time I am actually taking steps to start regaining a healthy self. I did find a counselor and in addition to meetings and really hoping I can work something out with him (schedule wise and financially). If it helps me to stop gambling, it WILL be worth every penny !