Today Jerred would be 33....
It is very difficult for me to accept the fact that he has been gone that long. The good thing is I am remembering how funny he was today and not crying. He is shining bright for me today which is helping a lot also. My mind wanders from one thing to another quickly, like would my 2 other sons be estranged if Jerred was here? He had been the peacekeeper when he was here between the two. I really feel that he would get on his younger brothers case and end all this idiocity and I would have my little family together again. I am hoping and praying the new baby that is due December 2nd will break the ice, or that through Jerred Joey will realize how short life is and his pettiness is not worth it. Another thing would Jerred be married? Would I have more precious grandbabies? Would he be more concerned about me and my health than his brothers are? All things I am missing because God called him back home at age 6. I know he was just on loan to me from God as all our children are, but it is hard, painful, heart crushing no matter the age when God calls our children back home to him. I know that he is in a much better place than here in my head but my heart yearns for the son that is missing in my life. I know you all understand this. It seems as each year passes the yearning gets stronger not weaker. Maybe that is because I am alone I don't know.
As you can see my mind is wandering a lot. My new psychiatrist has me in some pretty high doses of antidepressants for this next month to get me through. Maybe that's why no tears just lots of different thoughts.
Miss and care and pray for each of you my friends even though I have been absent. I will explain in another post.
Hugs and love,
Susie
Replies
33....Oh Susie, how can it be!
I'm glad the happy memories have been flooding in for you and you've been able to find a smile. IT'S SO HARD!!! OH how we miss our children. And I so agree, the missing seems to get stronger year after year. There is MUCH I've managed to work through these past 12 years, but the one thing that will never change is the missing of my daughter. I hold your heart tight in mine.
All the questions our hearts have which can never be answered can bring much sadness, that's for sure. All the wondering what life would look like if only.... Jerred left his earth life at such a young age, your questions have to be many, and many more. I'm so sorry for all that was left un-experienced (not a word, but it seems to fit anyway) by him, and by you as his adoring mom.
I'm prayerfully believing the meds and therapy sessions will bring you a measure of relief and comfort as you continue your journey toward healing. I think that's exactly what we're all experiencing....a journey "toward" healing. May we all have more peaceful days than days of mental and emotional torture missing our babies.
Thank you for checking in and sharing what's on your heart and no worries for the times you are simply unable to do so. There are no rules and no expectations, nor any judgement. We each do what we can, when we can and that is enough!
Tightest of heart hug as you continue celebrating and honor your precious Jerred!!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY HANDSOME!!!!
Understanding these tender days and appreciate hearing how you are feeling and doing. Missing your BEloved Jerred forever and always.
Gentle care and Hand in hand, Heart to heart
Susie, how I wish Jerred was physically here with you but I know he’s close by. No matter how many years go by, we still miss our kids. I’m approaching Ed’s 10 year angelversary. Missing him, but grateful as you are that he is with God.
Sending you lots of love, Linda
Hugs and prayers