Today is worse than yesterday.
My boyfriend of 10 years, father of my two beautiful sons, is a crack addict. I finally made the decision that he can no longer live with us, but it is positively breaking my heart in the process even though he has broken it over and over again with his addiction for several years. I has been using steadily for several days now and now not answering anyone's calls. I feel so hopeless and worthless. It is hard to even type the words. I have two gorgeous children, and while I know this is for the best, I'm plagued with guilt that I could have done something to help him. I know in my mind only he can fix this, but my heart is screaming. What if he dies tonight? What must my five-year-old be thinking? This is my first visit to an online support site, so I'm not sure what I'm expecting. I'm sure it seems like I'm rambling. I have no job, no money, and a 1/4 tank of gas in my car. I am so scared and stressed out. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you, Kimberly.
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All the things you wrote about here are why you need recovery as much as he does. You are dying inside and you need help to get through it. I know how you are feeling. I have put my addict, Jamie, out or left him three times because of his addiction, and each time I felt what you feel now. I was so angry at myself for not being able to help him. I was angry for not knowing how I was going to survive with him out in the world where he could die and I me not even know about it. I was scared to death he would die in his truck and days later I would find out about it on the news.
What you are doing right now, by making him leave, is helping him. I know it doesn\'t feel like it, but you are helping him by making him suffer the consequences of his actions. He needs to get to the point where his life sucks so much that he finally wants to get clean and is willing to put the effort into it because he will do anything to stop destroying his life.
That\'s another reason, btw, that you need recovery, too. If and when he reaches that point, you will have a lot of mixed emotions. You will wonder why he could get better without you but couldn\'t when you were there beside him to help him. You will feel left out if he turns to others for help and support. You will feel even more like you did something wrong because you couldn\'t help him, even if you know somewhere inside he was the only one who could help himself.
I have had people tell me that just by staying with Jamie, I am enabling him. It\'s hard on me because I know he has no family and no friends, so if I abandon him, he will truly be alone. While it\'s a surefire way to make him hit rock bottom quickly, I am terrified he will choose death over recovery leaving me feeling guilty forever that I gave up on him. So, instead I keep learning all I can about addiction and recovery, how to stop enabling him, and psychological techniques to help him get out of denial and teach him better ways to cope.
For me, recovery is about learning how to help him without sacrificing myself anymore. It\'s strange, but even after only a year and a half, I feel like I am having to relearn how to put my needs first.
I\'m here if you ever just need to vent or need to talk about anything.
Gals, I\'ve been there and I am still, to a degree, there. This is called co-dependence and is as serioius as our loved one\'s addiction. Even though I thought I was tough, stood my ground and saved my husband from death - it still turned out in the end that I am a co-dependend (not necessarly an enabler by choice but by the addicts\' attachment to me which could mean self destructon or loss of my home if I did not help him at the time.). I will buy it for you if you send your address to me. It is a way to pay forward and I promise you, one day you will do the same for someone else. There are also support groups for co-dependency. You are doing the right thing and I see that you\'ve already received great advice from chrysaster. This forum will be your life line to sanity and give you strength when you least expect it. Other posts will shed light on things which have not even occurred to you yet. Please re-read the post I added earlier today and let me know where to send the book. You are going to get more love and support than you imagine. You do have what it takes. THe hardest part will be to make yourself step back and not keep going down this path. Bless.
Get the book \'Codependent no more\' - it will change your life. Find a group
I just got Codependent No More at the library the other day. I\'m going to attack this with all the gusto I can muster up. My heart is broken, but I\'m going to make it through this whole situation. Thanks for rooting me on. I need a life line right now, and I\'m dying for a bit of sanity amid all the chaos.
Great job! Now, let me buy a copy for you pretty please?! Trust me - you\'ll want to carry it with you so the library copy is a fantastic start. I am so proud of you!!!!!!!! :)
You are so sweet! It probably is the kind of book you should own. I\'ll send you my address in a message. Thank you, and I\'ll be sure to pay it forward to someone else down the road. Again, thank you so much for the lengthy response earlier. I just read part of it to my sister. It is so wonderful that I found this site. It is a great forum, and I\'m amazed at the amount and level of responses and support I\'m getting. It does help to have someone rooting me on and understanding. None of my relatives understand like the people on here do.