Today is his Bday

So today is my H birthday, it makes me sad that we are not celebrating together, that the last Bday we celebrated together was going to be the last, I'm treasuring that last memory until the day I can get rid of those old memories. 
I wish I can hug and kiss him and say Happy Bday and hoping to have many more Bdays together but I know is all but a dream.  I did sent him an email with just "Happy Bday", so many things I wanted to say but that was opening a door for heartache so it was better not to cause myself more pain than necessary.
Lots of firsts coming up....first Bday that we don't celebrate together (we've been apart but together), first vacation that he is going solo with the kids to see his family, all this firsts are so painful and I feel that lonelines but even though we were together I was alone so now I'm alone but trying to move forward. 
Silly me, trying to get through the day on his Bday!!!!