Today is a sad reminder
I'm sad today. I'm not even sure why. mainly because I 've been on this horrible period for almost two weeks now, my stupid ex-ob-gyn prescribed me these progestin only birth control pills and I just keep bleeding and bleeding and I'm in soooo much pain.
It's like this constant reminder that I'm not pregnant. I talked to my friend who's baby girl was born the day after Sophia, and she was telling me about how her baby is learning to crawl around and having fun on Easter... and that's been on my mind for days now. It's so sad I just want to strangle all my friends that have babies!! And my sister is 8 months pregnant with her baby girl and she calls me complaining about everything and how hard her life is and I got kinda mad and told her that I talked to at least two women on DS this week who have lost their first babies to stillbirths and that have just lost their rainbows so she should calm down and be grateful for her healthy babies!!
She didn't like that very much lol... but it made me feel better. Is that just horrible?
I'm not even sure that I want to be pregnant, I just know that I don't want to feel like this failure anymore. All day everyday my little Sophia is on my mind, and everyday all day I realize that there's not a damn thing I can do to have her back or hold her again. I wanted a baby last year, when I had one already. I was so damn confident that she would be ok, and that I would have what everyone else had, a normal healthy pregnancy and birth. It's like what it must feel like after a bad storm, like theres a huge silence in place of everything that used to be there and you're just sitting there looking at the wreck of your life wondering "how did this even happen??!!"
Anyway, thats how I feel today.
It's like this constant reminder that I'm not pregnant. I talked to my friend who's baby girl was born the day after Sophia, and she was telling me about how her baby is learning to crawl around and having fun on Easter... and that's been on my mind for days now. It's so sad I just want to strangle all my friends that have babies!! And my sister is 8 months pregnant with her baby girl and she calls me complaining about everything and how hard her life is and I got kinda mad and told her that I talked to at least two women on DS this week who have lost their first babies to stillbirths and that have just lost their rainbows so she should calm down and be grateful for her healthy babies!!
She didn't like that very much lol... but it made me feel better. Is that just horrible?
I'm not even sure that I want to be pregnant, I just know that I don't want to feel like this failure anymore. All day everyday my little Sophia is on my mind, and everyday all day I realize that there's not a damn thing I can do to have her back or hold her again. I wanted a baby last year, when I had one already. I was so damn confident that she would be ok, and that I would have what everyone else had, a normal healthy pregnancy and birth. It's like what it must feel like after a bad storm, like theres a huge silence in place of everything that used to be there and you're just sitting there looking at the wreck of your life wondering "how did this even happen??!!"
Anyway, thats how I feel today.
Replies
I\'m so sorry you are having a rough day. I wish I could make it better.
Hugs
I\'m so sorry. These days are indeed rough, especially when you\'re left staring at the empty places (the crib, the cradle, the changing table, the walker, the empty clothes...). **hugs hugs**
I am so sorry about your endless cycle. Every period after a loss IS a horrible way that we are reminded that our babies are gone. :-( I am also sorry about your sister and friends who cannot possibly begin to imagine what you are going through. Even the most compassionate person cannot \"GET IT\" until they have walked in these painful shoes.
I read your post about clotting disorders and I wanted to encourage you to ask your hematologist about a prophylactic use of Lovenox & baby aspirin the next time you are pregnant. It is a widely accepted protocol, along with mega doses of Folic Acid & other B vitamins. See what he/she says!
You are in my prayers!
I am so sorry you are feeling like this. There are times when I still feel betrayed when my monthly comes. Have you considered finding another doctor?
My thoughts are with you!
Hugs,
Nneka