Today,I remember my girl with love

Good morning journal,the time is 11:40am,I slept like a man in a coma last night;I do not remember waking once until my wife brought me a coffee at 10;20am.My doctor was very supportive when I saw him yesterday morning,and gave me a prescription for seroquel.He warned me of the possible side effects such as dizziness and extreme drowsiness,and said we would be guided by John,my therapist,who is the expert in these matters.I feel much better and stronger now that I have a name,or names,for my illnesses;depression is such a vague term,it covers emotions and feelings like a blanket,yet doesn't tell a person much.I now know why I am ill in this way because it has been explained to me,and that helps tremendously,how can someone fight an enemy they can't see or know?,this morning,I know my enemy,and I can fight it.I had a low dose of twenty five mgs twice yesterday,today the dose is increased to fifty mgs twice,and I will remain on that level until I see John again on March 8th.For the first time in a very long time I have a little hope in my soul,maybe,just maybe,I can get well enough to be useful again;I am a worker,I always have been,I need to be able to provide for my family,it makes me who I am,I want to be the husband,father and grandfather that my family deserve,not this angry,depressed husk that people walk around on eggshells.Today,I also remember my beautiful baby girl who passed away twenty six years ago,I miss her so much,but my heart swells with pride as I remember how hard she fought to stay with us,and how bravely she accepted that she couldn't.I take enormous comfort that her mommy is with her,though I am terribly sad that,she too,died at a very young age from breast cancer.I often think,why them and not me?,for I would have gone in their place in a heartbeat.A parent should not outlive their children,it isn't the natural way,nor is it right,but sadly there are a lot of things that aren't right,or natural,in our world today.I would be lying if I said I felt other than sad today,but that's okay,because I know why,it doesn't surprise me anymore just how raw the pain is after so many years,or how empty I feel inside,it is something I simply expect and accept,and deal with on this day the best way I can.I can feel my girl in my heart,in my mind,in my very soul;but I would give everything I have ever had,or will ever have,just to hold her tight once more.There are three days every year that are almost unbearable for me,today,September 21st and Christmas day,these are the days that I would choose to sleep through if I could.Over the years,people have said,with the best intentions I have no doubt,"I understand",or"I know how you feel";well I'm sorry,but unless you have lost a child,don't tell me you understand or you know how I feel,because you have no idea.The worst,and most hurtful thing anyone has said to me,and it was said at her funeral, was when someone came up to me to express their condolences and uttered the immortal phrase,"at least your a young man,you can have other children";I have never forgotten the anger or grief that I felt,or the overwhelming urge to physically damage the man who said it,and I probably would have done had I not been led away by some protective and loving friends.My girl was not a toy you could replace with a new one because it got broken,she was,and is,and forever will be,a part of me that nobody can replace,so if you haven't gone through the pain of losing a child,say nothing except that your sorry and that is enough.Well journal,enough of my ramblings for now,let us travel through today the best we can,till next time,peace be with us.Daddy loves you kitten,I miss you so very much.