Today I Am Sad
I came to write one journal entry but some of my reading quite diverted me... and so I wanted to ask for some input from yall...
I was wondering... different things I read say this time was the hardest... that time was the hardest... I do remember for some reason 9 months was very hard... some of the moms speculated that perhaps it was in our minds because we carry them for 9months... I don't know... what I am wondering... I am finding that as all too often I am scared of the approaching day... its like each year its a hurdle... honestly when it comes its not a whole lot different... not the days before, after or even of... because its all prettybad... and in a way that is painful too... that the pain seems to have simply become a part of my life... is it...
I was wondering... different things I read say this time was the hardest... that time was the hardest... I do remember for some reason 9 months was very hard... some of the moms speculated that perhaps it was in our minds because we carry them for 9months... I don't know... what I am wondering... I am finding that as all too often I am scared of the approaching day... its like each year its a hurdle... honestly when it comes its not a whole lot different... not the days before, after or even of... because its all prettybad... and in a way that is painful too... that the pain seems to have simply become a part of my life... is it...
Replies
ME TOO! I have this sadness lingering on... That goes away when I\'m out somewhere,helping someone who needs it, or out with people..I have to push myself to get out..Right now I\'ve been helping my cousin through some bad times, and I feel great after..It helps us get out of ourself...This shall pass too.. Everybody is different in their grieving.. Me, I happen to have everything fall apart all at once....I now getting back on my feet....Anyway I hope your day gets better!! Love & Hugs, Kelly
Elissa most of the memories I have are very happy ones so if I see an especially beautiful yellow rose I remember Timmy pulling them in my dinning room window and cutting himself a few....I try to laugh at the antics of my three year old....BUT... when I am tired or have had a very bad day or something that is just plain wrong happens...sometimes I drift back to that day and the days that immediately followed and I AM there. So yes...we always have that empty space (even after all this time) the space is still there and it is filled with outrage and anger and hurt and pain and not being able to catch your breath becuase of the injustice and the frustration of the what could have beens.... why? I don\'t know. What time is the hardest? Every time I need to feel that warm cheek against mine or that little hand in mine or the sing song voice.....my need. When something happens with one of the grands that Timmy would have been right in the middle of or even enjoyed had he grown to be a man or even when I go over a ripple strip....The loss is always there held at bay by life but ready to come front and center at any time. There are a thousand minutes that were the hardest....my parents at his coffin....the kids kissing him good-bye and putting their favorite toys in the coffin with him....watching them grow and always miss their baby bro...seeing a little boy with platinum blond hair (Hunter looks exactly like Timmy...hair and all)...Osh Gosh clothes...a million moments. Love ya, Kathy
I think each day brings its own challenges and sadness, along with fresh opportunities for moments of peace and hope. I sometimes awake in the morning, not with a sense of joyous anticipation or even neutrality, but with a dread of what the day may or may not bring. After 15 months I still drag myself out of bed, even after a solid six or seven hours of sleep, feeling run down and tired and long for the time that the evening hours will say \"okay ~ you can go back to bed now\".
And yet, we do keep getting up each morning, hoping for...what...a chance to smile, laugh, share, help, enjoy a spot of sunshine. You are right - each day is hard ~ not just the anniversary dates, birthdays and holidays. Perhaps telling yourself that October 30th is just another day can help.
I once read that it takes a grieving Mom 10 years to really begin to feel \"normal\" in the old way. For now we plod on through. Colors don\'t seem as vivid; good times don\'t seem quite as carefree; the entire world seems muted. I\'m holding out for the hope and promise of seeing the world in its brightest hues once again.
Until then ~ hang on ~ we\'re all with you.
Sending love and understanding hugs ~ Debbie
I think the human spirit is amazing...we can have the worst thing happen to us and still go on...we do find happiness...but we also carry the absence of our children with us forever...love to you...Karen
I don\'t know that I can answer this. At this point every day of my life is the hardest. I\'m still counting how many days it\'s been since he called and said \"I love you, be careful driving home\". I keep having people tell me how strong I am. I keep wondering if I have any feelings at all or if I am strong or if...if...if...I think anytime and every time, every minute that it hits you is the hardest time. For myself, I have a personal touch point. When I got this tatoo the other day, it\'s like I can lay my hand on it and feel him. I\'m not saying you should get a tatoo...but maybe just something, a necklace or a small piece of a shirt, something to touch and know it\'s part of him.
It\'s been years for me and I still find difficulties dealing with things... sometimes easier than others and then sometimes the realization that they\'ve been dead longer than they were alive hits me and that does me in.... but life moves on no matter what... I wonder if in the long run when things will stop hurting like they do, i want the pain to stop... even just for a day... I would want a day with freedom from thoughts and wonder...
Goodness, this journal says what I feel, everyday. I have no answers, walking with you, thinking about you and Cara and sending you all my love. Lynette ~ Matthews mom