Today... How did I get here
Went for a walk this morning as the sun was coming up. My drinking is killing me. I don't think I'm rock bottom yet but feel like I'm getting there. I am suffering such terrible fear and axanity is it from the drinking, aging I'm 54 , my job and the crazy demands, Joshua and all his problems or is this just the way I am???
I just chugged a glass of wine and took a 1/2 Xanax I said to my self this is the last glass of wine I will ever have but probably only till 11 when you can buy it on Sunday
Is it really possible to quit drinking cold turkey after drinking so much for so long. Sometimes I wake up and the 1st time I do is start drinking and I don't don't stop till I pass out. I can do this for days. I was on vacation this week, if you can call it that and have spend all of the week drunk. I remember being maybe 10 and stealing some whiskey from my parents and drinking it outside because it was cold. I also remember my dad making me drink it to stop coughing. Once I was very young, i was hospitalized for spasms of the diaphragm which was probably a severe panic attract..in a 9 year old??? What the hell
My parents where both alcoholics and extremely loud, argumentative and created such a dysfunctional environment all I ever wanted to do was get away.
I have felt all my life like have this terrible secret and it is a souse of pain and shame and I carried it and hide it for 54 years and I'm so tired of it. I'm just waiting for everything to come crashing down around around me. The secret will be out...I will lose my job, my home, my car and become a homeless person.
How does one quit drinking when everyone around you is? Why can't I be the one who can stop with 1 or 2 even 3...why do I just keep going?? Why am I powerless to stop? why has God made me this way? I can eat 3 bites of ice cream a be done but some people can't till the whole carton gone....It's like that with alcohol addiction
I think I will continue to write my thoughts down....Maybe it will help.
I just chugged a glass of wine and took a 1/2 Xanax I said to my self this is the last glass of wine I will ever have but probably only till 11 when you can buy it on Sunday
Is it really possible to quit drinking cold turkey after drinking so much for so long. Sometimes I wake up and the 1st time I do is start drinking and I don't don't stop till I pass out. I can do this for days. I was on vacation this week, if you can call it that and have spend all of the week drunk. I remember being maybe 10 and stealing some whiskey from my parents and drinking it outside because it was cold. I also remember my dad making me drink it to stop coughing. Once I was very young, i was hospitalized for spasms of the diaphragm which was probably a severe panic attract..in a 9 year old??? What the hell
My parents where both alcoholics and extremely loud, argumentative and created such a dysfunctional environment all I ever wanted to do was get away.
I have felt all my life like have this terrible secret and it is a souse of pain and shame and I carried it and hide it for 54 years and I'm so tired of it. I'm just waiting for everything to come crashing down around around me. The secret will be out...I will lose my job, my home, my car and become a homeless person.
How does one quit drinking when everyone around you is? Why can't I be the one who can stop with 1 or 2 even 3...why do I just keep going?? Why am I powerless to stop? why has God made me this way? I can eat 3 bites of ice cream a be done but some people can't till the whole carton gone....It's like that with alcohol addiction
I think I will continue to write my thoughts down....Maybe it will help.
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