Today

I can't plan anything at the moment, my heart, dictates everything I do. Blah. I wanted to cook my son a steak and drove 3 blocks to the Winn Dixie. While there I felt like I was not going to make it. My thoughts were. What do I do? Do I tell an employee to call an ambulance? Could I drop dead here? I just want to have a meal with my son. As soon as I was out of there I felt a tiny bit better. When I got home I had to sit awhile. All the while pretending that I am okay. I am not okay. I'm looking for support. Emotional support mostly. I find it hard to find. People have their reasons why they stop e-mailing you or just don't call. That's fine. It doesn't hurt, I'm used to that. But it just keeps me feeling frantic and looking for support. I'm trying everything. I think about blowing my brains out and I've thought of even creative ways of ending it but the ONLY reason I don't is my son. I live for him. Because I love him more than my own life. I birthed him,raised him, took excellent care of him when he needed it. If he wasent here I wouldn't be here. I did think about saying I'm going on a trip and just never returning. I thought about that for a long time trying to plan it in my head the details. I thought about going up North in the cold and slowly freezing to sleep. I still think about it. I love the cold. I want my heart and anxiety and bi-polar and so on to get better. I think it will until something happens that is crushing. As if it's saying no your fix didn't fix it. So I try something else. Homeopathic or counseling or acupuncture ( did get relief from that ) or eat this don't eat that. 

I think it will be alright. I see the cardiologist tomorrow. The one I like. And I'm hoping he may say, Ginny, you need a pacemaker, let's put one in and send you on your way! That would be nice for sure. Coming off Clonapin is hard but I have to because it suppresses the heart and right now my heart needs all the help it can get. I believe if I can see it in my minds eye it can happen. I've seen things happen that defy explanation. A lot of things that can't be ignore as coincidental. I've prayed for people and they were healed. When I was a little girl I had warts. When I was older and went to a Holy Spirit filled Church I made a friend named Mary Lou. She told me over the phone one day that her Son Jeremy had warts, she had tried everything and they were worse. I told her I would pray for him. I closed my eyes and prayed and I visualized the warts coming off. I felt I was in a light and so was Jeremy. After that I didn't think about it. Another pray. Another visualization. MaryLou called me the next day and said the warts on Jeremy had fallen off. Not gone down in size but fallen off like dust falls off a table. She was amazed. I was happy. I guess the lesson is if God cares for us enough to make warts literally fall off then he definitely cares when we are suffering the most.