To your NICU nurses

Dear NICU Nurse,
You have no idea how much you mean to me, or how you will always hold a very special place in my heart. The love, respect, and admiration that I have for you can compete with no one. You took care of my baby, and you loved him. You were the one to touch and comfort him when I was not there. You took care of him all his life. I stood beside his bed site watching, wishing I was you. You knew his signals,  his face and cries better than me.
I know that in the NICU, you really run things. That your opinions about my baby’s care often dictates the course and direction or treatment as you consult with the Doctor every day. I know that you don’t hesitate to wake a sometimes sleeping doctor because his colour is off. Or because verouse other reasons.. I’ll never be able to give in return what you have given to me. Thank you for answering my endless questions, even when I had asked them before. Thank you for your skill, you are pretty great at what you do. Thank you for fighting for my baby. Thank you for pretending like it was normal when I handed you a vial of just pumped breast milk. Thank you for waking the doctor.
And I, his momma, didn’t know. I didn’t know how to change his diaper without moving his lines, or how to clean his face from the ventilator tape. I didn’t know how to pick him up to change his bedding. I didn’t know what medication went where, or how to run the machines that were keeping him alive.
I tried my best, I really did. But he was so sick, and I was so scared.  The first time I saw my baby he was in a tiny pod, and hooked up to more machines than I could count. You made a sign for him and told me how I could touch him without stimulating him too much.
You taught me how to whisper in his ear and hold his hand. You let me put cream on his bum  once, You knew I was so scared I was going to hurt him, but also that I so desperately wanted to do something a mother does for her child. So you let me do it even though we both knew you could do it 10 times faster. I never felt more like his mother than that time. You found socks for him when his feet were cold, You took picture of my son and his parents, and I hope you know now how much I cherish those.
I know that, at times, you are assigned to just one baby for 12 hours straight. You are assigned to him because he is the most critically sick and medically fragile baby in the unit. I’ve seen you sit by that baby’s bedside for your entire shift. Working tirelessly to get him comfortable and stable. Forgoing breaks while you mentally will his numbers to improve. I’ve seen you cry with our  family when he didn’t make it. I’ve seen you cry alone. I know now that you are different from other nurses.
You gave him, and me, every piece of your strength, day in and day out, for 10 days. You did everything in your power and more to keep him alive.
And then he died.
And you gave me another gift that day. You told me how he was going to die, and you guided me through his death in a way so full a grace I couldn’t explain it if I tried. You cried with me, hugged me, and were devastated with me. You placed him in my arms for the very first and very last time. You made sure he wasn’t in pain. And when I could bear the weight of my dead son in my arms no longer, you made the phone call  when I made the impossible choice to leave that night.
And as sat in my car on the way home wondering how I was going to survive, I feel like ‘Thank You’ isn’t enough, but it’s all I have to give you. I feel like every day of my son’s life was stolen from death. And you stole them for me. You’re brave and amazing, and you do things no one else can. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you. I know you now. I’ll never be able to think of my child’s life, without thinking of you.
Love,
Alex mommy