To write.. when I feel like it

well after spending hours balling my eyes out yesterday, haunted with the new fact of knowing the first man I really fell in love with and someday hoped to meet again - is married as of this year ... I cried and cried and cried. It's funny how things work out - and how we don't realise we haven't really let go of some things, expecting almost that it would just work out and fate would do it's job. I keep thinking, why didn't I chase him up earlier again and ask him out? wHY!! It's taken me some time to reach the place I have now, where I am feeling almost ready to settle down and even have kids soon enough. I feel at a loss and I am grieving not only for my uncle but for this other man I will never have again. I didn't even get a chance to speak to him, or tell him that I was ready to be in a serious realtionship leading to marriage.I know how badly he wanted to get married when we were dating those many years ago. Anyway - I have to move on. I don't know how to deal with this but I'm glad I'm crying because I hope that I can let it out. It's just so painful. I saw the photo's of the wedding as well, and it really hurts. It is some small comfort to know he is happy - it' s just such a massive thing to know that it's not with me. I know that I can find my soul mate too and maybe I already have... Lord I need to be appreciative of those around me more and maybe just get closer to God and stop keeping myself in this depression by running over old thoughts and being down on myself. Another thing getting to me is that my uncle's birthday is next week. He has died this year, and it's so strange not to have him here living with me anymore. It's pain on pain. I am at least walking a lot more, getting some regular exercise and vitamin D in the sunshine which is a big help I can feel it. I realise however that my body has been changing and is definately not as small structured as it once was, and it's more and more difficult to get a slim figure as well. I don't understand that if I think i've eaten well one day, the next day I weigh more - it's confusing!I still feel very unnattractive and have the belly gut.. but by working through other issues I have it is becomming somewhat easier to look after myself and do the things that will help to be constructive to my body, and not destructive - like the bad food habits I've developed in the past year or two.. which are now beginning to break. Not only by sheer force of will but by determination, motivation  ... at the same time my mind keeps leaning to thoughts about the loss of my family member I lived with here -my uncle John - and now also that I'll never get a chance to be with my ex. God I need your wisdom and perseverance and to shed this pain and let your spirit drive me and those around me.