To work or not to work?
So this is an excerpt from an email I wrote one of my 'bosses'/friends at my college/work. He's really awesome and is leaving soon so I'm sad I won't be able to really see him again. Of course, if I end up going on disability, I might never really see any of them again. Ugh. I hate even that thought!!! Ok, here it is.
Chet,
Thanx for the insight. I think if I were healthy and able to do all my many passions, I'd probably be thrilled not to work! Isn't that ironic? I want to work when I can't and if I could, I'd wish I didn't hve to? Just caught either way! Spoke with my GP Wed and she spent some time again trying to convince me that I really should give up the idea of working. I said I felt guilty because there are days I COULD work, I just never know which ones until I wake up. Some weeks I bet there are several days I'd be great, other weeks not even one would work. I said I want to be a contributing member of society, not a leach on it's side. But then Dr. Gupta, wise woman that she is, said that people like me were the reason she doesn't mind paying into disability. And that if she had been dealt the hand I had, she'd quit medicine. I then (of course) said wouldn't you regret the years of education and sacrifice to get where you were? I'm still paying my student loans after all! She said she'd be sad but there was no way she would work with the pain I have.
I'm going to talk to my sister and my pancreatic specialist and see what they have to say. I still harbor some small dream of getting stable enough to work on a consistent, regular basis. So I could make the commitment of Mon-Thurs every week, instead of hit or miss like I was for the past few years. I guess a lot will depend on my specialist and if/when I have another attack and PICC line (ugh, I shudder at the thought!). I'll just have to play it by ear for now.
I hate it tho. I feel like I haven't given all that I could yet. But you and Matt also have a great point, maybe my path is to 'teach' thro another medium. I've always loved math but my real passion is nature and art. And maybe I can weave math in there. You know the saying, when a door closes, a window opens? I just want it to be a BIG window! Haha.
Take care and stay cool! Ta, Robbin
Chet,
Thanx for the insight. I think if I were healthy and able to do all my many passions, I'd probably be thrilled not to work! Isn't that ironic? I want to work when I can't and if I could, I'd wish I didn't hve to? Just caught either way! Spoke with my GP Wed and she spent some time again trying to convince me that I really should give up the idea of working. I said I felt guilty because there are days I COULD work, I just never know which ones until I wake up. Some weeks I bet there are several days I'd be great, other weeks not even one would work. I said I want to be a contributing member of society, not a leach on it's side. But then Dr. Gupta, wise woman that she is, said that people like me were the reason she doesn't mind paying into disability. And that if she had been dealt the hand I had, she'd quit medicine. I then (of course) said wouldn't you regret the years of education and sacrifice to get where you were? I'm still paying my student loans after all! She said she'd be sad but there was no way she would work with the pain I have.
I'm going to talk to my sister and my pancreatic specialist and see what they have to say. I still harbor some small dream of getting stable enough to work on a consistent, regular basis. So I could make the commitment of Mon-Thurs every week, instead of hit or miss like I was for the past few years. I guess a lot will depend on my specialist and if/when I have another attack and PICC line (ugh, I shudder at the thought!). I'll just have to play it by ear for now.
I hate it tho. I feel like I haven't given all that I could yet. But you and Matt also have a great point, maybe my path is to 'teach' thro another medium. I've always loved math but my real passion is nature and art. And maybe I can weave math in there. You know the saying, when a door closes, a window opens? I just want it to be a BIG window! Haha.
Take care and stay cool! Ta, Robbin
Replies
Sounds like your doctor is a very wise woman...Listen to her. Sounds like God is leading you in a different direction...Wish he would leave a detailed map ...
Good luck with that BIG window..
Cheryl
Thanx Cheryl,
Have you had to face this decision? I hate it. I was born working, or so I\'m told. Haven\'t had less than 2 jobs in almost 30 years now. I\'m just not made to do nothing. Yet, that\'s what I do most days now. Ugh.
How are you doing? Nibs
Hey girl it\'s me again, hee hee hee, bet you thought oh good he only saw the first one, lol, no such luck lady I got your number, no wait no I don\'t either sorry hee hee one of my voices piped up there, that is way inconvient at times ya know! Anyway yes we just had a discussion recently with someone on the group page and I forget who all commented but I do believe several folks and I think it\'s still going, and this poor young woman had her disease advance so quickly that I think within a year she is now on tpn full time and wears her equipment in a camelback when she is moving about so she can be mobile and still have the nutrition she needs, but the whole idea was she was just giving up totally and starting to cut herself off from life, but the things we told her apply to any or all of us and that is you are not what you do, there was and is a person inside you that would have been happy if you had decided to become a biologist, or a cowhand, or a whatever as long as the you inside can keep what you do and who you are seperated it will make things easier if you do wind up having to retire, and not to beat a dead horse but have you thought about the pain pump I told you about? I can\'t remember past the end of my nose so I don\'t know if you told me already or not, just askin. Be kind to yourself for awhile and stop with the fretting or your really gonna get down to where you won\'t be able to make the trip to care for you sister. Now if that don\'t get you to quit fretting I don\'t know what will, hee hee hee, mean ain\'t I? Only because I care my friend, only because I care. Be well and pain free always...Troy
Nibs, Yes, I have to agree the Dr.sounds like a wise woman. There are options with technology these days. I know a couple people that work from their homes via computers. Maybe teaching would work out. My son has taken some math courses on line. After your life calms down, I\'m sure you will find your path. You\'re an intelligent woman. And you don\'t sound like a quitter. Take Care Your friend. Brian
Ta again. The problem with my disability is that I\'m not allowed to work at all or I lose the $. I\'m going to check into what that means exactly. I used to do a lot of programs at Audubon and the schools and for teachers (MITS) in geology. That\'s actually my BS. My MS is chemical oceanography. Now (well, at least I was) I\"m a math teacher. Go figure. But if I could do rocks and nature and art, that would be a dream come true. Just have to figure the financial end of it.
And I honestly never know how I\'ll feel until I wake up. I hate making engagements since I have to cancel so often. DO you find you have to do the same? It sucks and makes working very difficult even if you only work every so often. Seems like I get the worst suffering when I least need it!
Still, I\"m only 44. I\'ve worked since I was about 10. I still have a lot left inside! Hmmm. Obviously, gonna wrestle with this one a lot. Ugh.
I had to give up the job I LOVED..I was a labor and delivery coach. After I raised my kids and quit catering, my daughter delivered her daughter in a Visalia Hospital and they had L & D coaches, NOT Doulas, and I was so interested I applied right there on the spot...
The nursing staff trained you plus with outside training I became certified to teach the birthing classes. I LOVED it ! The doctors were great the nurses were great, the working with young girls was my forte.. When a young mom came in , I usually was the coach who got to work with the young girl. The youngest girl I helped coach deliver a baby was 12. Very sad case. Guess God knew where I was needed..
But with the HH & and now CP I was unable to work at all. I was in the infusion center 6 days a week for 6-8 hours for 3 years... so there was no time for work...or energy. Actually one of the nurses took my O2 saturation level at work one day because my lips were purple and it was at 79%.she hooked me up to some oxygen and I went home & to the hospital and never went back...
Two years later my daughters\' husband left her and she moved home with two little ones. So I went back to watching kids while she went back to school. I really believe God knows where we are needed the most and lets things happen so we are there to do his work.
Your may have loved your job, but now your sister is going to need you love and support and if you go back to work you will be torn between spending time with her or your work.
There must be something you can do that involves you love of nature. I will keep you in prayer. Try not to struggle so much, it\'s not good for your pancreas. Have a cup of tea & a cool bath.
Your Friend
Cheryl
Thank you so much Cheryl. I\'m putting this email in my scrap book for when I really don\'t like myself much.
You know, it did cross my mind that if I had been able to work this fall, it might have been impossible to be with my sister for her surgeries. That would be so awful I couldn\'t stand it. Maybe there is a bigger plan.
I guess I haven\'t really accepted my limited capacities, even tho it\'s been almost 7 years now. I\'ve struggled the whole time. I was always valued as a kid for what I could do. I had a job at 7 years old and was praised and loved for the money I could bring in. For the many chores I did. My childhood was very hard in many ways, mostly my abusive father.
But I guess somewhere along the way, I started to value myself for doing things. I know I do. I feel like I should leave my husband because I can\'t bring in the money now, can\'t do the chores. Like I broke my promise, my side of the deal with him. And he\'s still young, only forty, and could have a family and not go thro this hell. I can\'t have kids now, can\'t even adopt the way I am. He says I\'m what he\'s always wanted and he\'ll never leave me. Crazy guy for sure. I don\'t get it. I\'d set him free if I could. I hate to see him suffer.
Now I have to redefine myself and it hurts bad. I\'ve always rolled with the punches and been able to cope. Work hard and work some more. Now I can\'t work. I can\'t do or be anything. And I find myself at a loss. I find myself lacking in so many ways I can\'t even count them. Sad. I wish I could see in me what other do, but I don\'t. I just see a loser who can\'t even control her body. Like if I had stronger willpower, I could overcome this obstacle. Somewhere inside, I still think that even tho I know in my head I can\'t.
I do see a therapist and that helps. Once this bad patch is over with my hubby, he\'ll help too. And my sister of course. But that\'s not a lot of people to spread so much YUCK over and I feel bad. I\'m so very grateful that I found you and the group. Now I can let out and label some of these feelings. And maybe, just maybe start seeing thro different eyes.
Thanx for lending me yours. Your friend NIbs :)
Nibs.....omg reading your entry was like i had written it myself.....it aches me deep into my soul that I can\'t do what i went to school for....which is Nursing...I was an ICU nurse for few years then transferred into the Inpatient Hospice Nursing...since they needed a nurse with experience with high doses of Narcotics etc. That was my bittersweet calling. I miss it so much. But my doctor said the reason that I was guided into nursing was because that I could help myself and others like me. I guess there could be some truth to it but still doesnt stop my longing to work in a job i loved. I dont want to be a debt to society and sucks that if I too had good days i cant go to work or school cause then I would lose my disability......why dont they have partial so that people when they have good days could work....just sucks. Right now in pain and debating whether to take the damn pain med....I am in a sucky place right now.....but big hugs to you Nibs I know the feeling and you as well Miss Sophie.....and everyone else on here...what a great support goup we have:)
Diane
Ta Diane. Take the pills! They\'re not worth anything in the bottle. And I\'m learning you don\'t get a gold star if you don\'t take them. No one care but you (us). Our doctors gave us the meds for a good reason. If the pills can take your day from sucky to ok or better, they\'re doing their job, aye?
Ta also for the comment. It helps so much to know there are others out there like me. My family would be thrilled to have any excuse to never work again (my mom is retired now so she doesn\'t count). But I feel like I don\'t want to be like them.
I\'ve tried hard all my life to escape the abuse and poverty and complete filth I grew up in. I\'m still struggling. And I somehow managed to marry a man who\'s a slob.
Please tell me about any day to day thoughts you have about your struggles with work! I\'d love to listen and also you may help me too. I\'ll do the same, ok?
Take care and be kind to yourself. So few others will be kind to you so once again, it\'s our job to be kind to us. Love Nibs