"to sleep, perhaps to dream"

I have been up almost all night.  I tried to go to sleep without my sleeping pills but couldn't.  All I could think of was you, Liam.  Joel was alseep and I hate to bother him, normally I talk to him anyway when I can't sleep but he's had a hard time too and it's just not fair of me to do that to him.  They've pup me on sleeping pills since Liam's passing.  I finally was able to get some rest around 6 and was up by 9:30.  I just miss Liam so much and wonder so many things...Things that will never happen but that he should have gotten a chance to do.
I look at all of the pictures of our precious babies and I see beauty.  I know some people can't look at my Liam, but I see such innoccence and serene beauty.  All these babies should have been able to come home with us, but in those moments we shared there is true pure love.  On all the Mommy's faces you see the love "bouncing off of the walls" all they can think of is their little ones and those moments are resplendant in their beauty.  We were all in such pain, and still are, but no one can take those beautiful momments away from us.  I treasure my time with Liam, I want more ... I need more ... I yearn for more ... but somewhere I know while desiring more time with you that I will not get it in this life.
I was scared to join this group.  Was scared because I need it.  Was scared because it means it is all real and that I wont be able to wake up and find you safe within my belly.  I am mad, I hurt, I cry, I wonder...I do everything in an attempt to make it all not real.  I want to wake up from this nightmare, but the scariest part is that I know that I wont.
And maybe that is why I can't sleep...because in dreaming usually I dream you are with me and something goes wrong...we lose you all over again and I just cant handle that.  I can hardly get out of bed for wanting you so bad.  I love you my little Liam, you were a gift Joel and I had not dreamt of and my time with you has become sacred.  You will always be the child of my heart~Mommy

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I am so sorry to read of your pain and sleepless nights. Please know you are so not alone. I know it\'s difficult. Every where we go, we are less one person and the most special person at that, our child. Try to remind yourself as much as possible that you will see sweet Liam again. This time on earth is just a moment. We will be with them again. I have to believe this. It\'s the only thing that gives me real comfort. Can you imagine how it will be when we see them again, complete paradise?

During my sleepless nights (and I still have them often) I come on here and talk to the other Moms, read books on the loss of a child, work on my March of Dimes Walk, etc. We are all here for you and sadly you have come to the right place. I encourage you to talk about Liam to any one that will listen, utilize every support person you have, and just be patient with yourself. We have to work through it and try not to wear out our closest people at the same time. It has only been 3 months for me, seems like yesterday. I miss my Carly more and more each day. Thinking of you, big hugs, Stacy
LEG121
LEG121

I could have written this myself. I was up all last night. These sleepless nights are so hard.