"to sleep, perhaps to dream"
I have been up almost all night. I tried to go to sleep without my sleeping pills but couldn't. All I could think of was you, Liam. Joel was alseep and I hate to bother him, normally I talk to him anyway when I can't sleep but he's had a hard time too and it's just not fair of me to do that to him. They've pup me on sleeping pills since Liam's passing. I finally was able to get some rest around 6 and was up by 9:30. I just miss Liam so much and wonder so many things...Things that will never happen but that he should have gotten a chance to do.
I look at all of the pictures of our precious babies and I see beauty. I know some people can't look at my Liam, but I see such innoccence and serene beauty. All these babies should have been able to come home with us, but in those moments we shared there is true pure love. On all the Mommy's faces you see the love "bouncing off of the walls" all they can think of is their little ones and those moments are resplendant in their beauty. We were all in such pain, and still are, but no one can take those beautiful momments away from us. I treasure my time with Liam, I want more ... I need more ... I yearn for more ... but somewhere I know while desiring more time with you that I will not get it in this life.
I was scared to join this group. Was scared because I need it. Was scared because it means it is all real and that I wont be able to wake up and find you safe within my belly. I am mad, I hurt, I cry, I wonder...I do everything in an attempt to make it all not real. I want to wake up from this nightmare, but the scariest part is that I know that I wont.
And maybe that is why I can't sleep...because in dreaming usually I dream you are with me and something goes wrong...we lose you all over again and I just cant handle that. I can hardly get out of bed for wanting you so bad. I love you my little Liam, you were a gift Joel and I had not dreamt of and my time with you has become sacred. You will always be the child of my heart~Mommy
I look at all of the pictures of our precious babies and I see beauty. I know some people can't look at my Liam, but I see such innoccence and serene beauty. All these babies should have been able to come home with us, but in those moments we shared there is true pure love. On all the Mommy's faces you see the love "bouncing off of the walls" all they can think of is their little ones and those moments are resplendant in their beauty. We were all in such pain, and still are, but no one can take those beautiful momments away from us. I treasure my time with Liam, I want more ... I need more ... I yearn for more ... but somewhere I know while desiring more time with you that I will not get it in this life.
I was scared to join this group. Was scared because I need it. Was scared because it means it is all real and that I wont be able to wake up and find you safe within my belly. I am mad, I hurt, I cry, I wonder...I do everything in an attempt to make it all not real. I want to wake up from this nightmare, but the scariest part is that I know that I wont.
And maybe that is why I can't sleep...because in dreaming usually I dream you are with me and something goes wrong...we lose you all over again and I just cant handle that. I can hardly get out of bed for wanting you so bad. I love you my little Liam, you were a gift Joel and I had not dreamt of and my time with you has become sacred. You will always be the child of my heart~Mommy
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