To His Mother

I sent a text to his mother who I met at the hospital on the day he left us. We had plans to see her before my trip back to England. She did not know this. It was all going to go so differently. Instead, I had to pour my heart out in a text, that she might not have even believed. I'm heartbroken. And devistated that I didn't get to meet her through her son himself.

"Hi Mrs. V. This is Kelly from England. I'm still thinking about you. I cry for us every night and every single day. I find myself crying almost every hour, it's impossible for me to sleep at night. I find it nearly impossible to hold a conversation with people who'd like to hear about him from me. I find it extremely hard to live a happy life without him. It all sounds ridiculous but I really do love your son, and I will love him dearly for the rest of my weakened life.

It doesn't matter where I am in this world. It will never make my feelings for him any less passionate. We were brought together from two ends of this planet by love alone. We made it happen, we made it work. It was so right and beautiful. Everyone deserved to witness how happy he truly was in the last year of his life when it came down to his true emotions. I'm sure you understand. We would've all been so happy if things were different. If I had met you through himself.

He was very excited when he spoke about our future. He shared so much happiness and thought with me, he was absolutely contagious. He knew I was deeply in love with him. And he made it clear to me, with words, emotions and actions that he loved me too. I wish he was here to tell you for himself. I felt like his love and the way he showed me he loved me, it would've lasted forever. I'm so hurt. I'm looking to get help for my grieving process. It's a life sentence but I'll take it.

It's worsened since I left the US. I miss that connection I felt between me and you that we didn't vocalize. I miss being near where he existed. I miss him holding me. I miss his beautiful voice. And I miss the way he'd forever look at me. I miss being around the people he knew, but miss him being around the most. And I will never stop loving him, just the same as he loved me. We were amazing together, I wish you could've seen it for yourself. He is such an amazing man.

And he has stolen my heart for as long as I'm still breathing. I could type forever. Going on and on about every specal moment we shared. Every conversation we had. Losing him has honestly broken my heart. No one knew me enough to know just how much this is killing me. I will see you again, and I will re-live every day with you that me and him shared. Because he'd want nothing more than for me and you to keep talking. It was the plan after all. I was one day going to have your grandchild.

I have never been so in love and I am priviledged that I fell for your son. You're an amazing woman, I am so sorry for your loss. And I'm sorry he wasn't able to fulfill his dreams with the people he loved most. Mrs. V, I do love you. I'm just too broken to give myself all away at once. You will keep hearing off me until I see you again. Hopefully, we will be in better headspaces when we next meet. I'm sorry about the long message.

But I could write hundreds of books on me and him and what we shared, even though it were lived in such a short time. Love like this lasts forever. He has me as I am. I will keep talking to him every day even if it makes me sound crazy. I don't mind being crazy for him. You should know he loved you, and will love you forever. We spoke about you, he shared nothing but loving thoughts whilst holding my hand. He was happy and full of adventure in his last days. Such and amazing man. Amazing boyfriend, would've made an amazing future for all of us. I'm sorry if I misspelled anything but I was crying so hard through most of this.

Kelly x"

I know what you're all thinking. It sounded like I was desperate to show her how much I love him and how much he loved me. It's true. It's all I could think about at the time. I didn't want to be just a nobody. Especially to his mother. He treated me like a wife. He called me wife/ mommy/ baby. I'll never forget. We even planned on getting married in a fashion. He planned on me meeting his mother, and family, making it all official. It was going to be perfect. But because I didn't get that chance. It engulfed me. I felt sick. Extememly lonely. No one had a clue it was all set. And at his funeral, no one had a clue who I was.

I was just a girl. A random girl. Dressed in his clothes, claiming to be his girlfriend. Only his housemate and a few others could say I really meant something to him. It got to the point where the people who spoke out at his funeral reffered to him loving his ex's rather than me. I did not exist. I just stood there, silently. They had no idea what we were doing just seconds before he died. They probably had no idea I was the last one with him. I was just a hollow body standing in her boots her boyfriend bought her. I did not belong there. I wanted to scream. Throw myself in the fire. Run over to the river and drown myself right away. Tears waved over my pupils like I was swimming for someone to notice me. I never cried so hard in my entire life that night. I'm crying right now. It's an awful memory. How were these people supposed to know me? It's not their fault, I know. It's not mine. It's not his. It's nobodys. All his friends at the funeral had their adventures with him, completed memories. I think thats why they were able to laugh, smile and share their stories. I was just starting my adventure with him, I was just half a page of scribbled thoughts.

I saw his mother only once after his funeral, the day his family came and took all of his belongings. Some of our best memories. Gone. Like slowly I was soon to be erased altogether. But if it wasn't for his housemate, who stood by me in the weeks after, I would've lost my mind. I would be dead. Through all the trauma and chaos his housemate and best friend, who bravefaced it all, never gave up. I'll never have enough love for that man. Thank you, Tom.

I sent her that text on the 20th November 2016, 10 days after I got back from the US. I guess my loneliness really shon throughout it. I never got anything back. I don't even know if she saw it. In the 3 times we met, only one time did we ever really speak. I had one conversation with her over the phone a few days before I was due to fly back. I'm not one to cry infront of people but I did, over the phone. I tried to tell her then how much I love him but I just sounded so pathetic. I really do hate myself. Or maybe I just really hate my situation. I hate how the one thing that ever made sense to me got ripped away from my grasp within only 3 weeks of me being there! I hate life as it stands. I fucking miss him and I get so angry at how this has happened to me. I'm so selfish. I'm just broken, honestly.