To Feed The Beast Or Not
I suffer from depression... I attempted suicide for the first time when I was 14 years old... I continued slogging through the mud... sometimes that's what it feels like... for want of a better way to explain it this is how I explain it... there's a beast inside of me which threatens to awake and swallow me whole... sometimes I feed the beast... I used to feed it all the time... oh my it was a fat loathsome creature... I fed him with thoughts of knives at my throat, wrists, stomach... I felt the rope on my neck at my throat... pills, guns... all I had to do was choose one... then I finally realized I didn't have to feed that ugly beast... I recognized the beast and stopped feeding him so much... the more I recognized what I'd been doing the less I fed the beast... oh I still drift to those old ways for moments when I'm really sad... but mostly... heck even if I'm so sad I want to feed the beast... I can't... because I know what I'm doing... the beast is still an ugly loathsome creature but the beast is getting a bit old and scrawny...
Replies
Hi Elissa, We\'ll starve the beast together, shall we? Better yet, we\'ll put your beast and my beast in a room and make them slug it out.
Lots of hugs, beautiful flowers and bright sunshine today -
Alice
For years and years that felt like they stretched out into forever.......
I wanted to be dead. To go to sleep and never wake up. I imagined cars on the road smashing into to me, mine going off a bridge into the deep, black water, curling up at night with a nice big bottle of pills.....
Christopher was the first person I ever told the whole truth about myself to. Including the part about suicide and wanting to be dead. I was just so tired of trying to go on. So exhausted from the despair and lonely emptiness........ Before we got married (in fact it was a condition that would have kept him from marrying me if I had not agreed to it), he made me promise that I would never, ever take my own life.
I have always taken my word very seriously, so we both knew that if I made him this promise I would have to keep it.
There have been too many days to count, over the last several years, when my word has been the ONLY thing that kept me tied to this earth. I\'m not saying I regret that....... just that it is at times (my word that is), both the slimmest of threads and the heaviest of chains.
It is so easy to dream about leaving this world and all the troubles behind and find everylasting peace. We are here for a reason and we touch all the lives of those around us. I pray now that I will at least live to see my grandchildren married and settled in a new live. Nothing will ever be normal again. We have to have a new normal life.