To console and be consoled

Good morning journal,it is now 6:50am,and I have been awake since 4:45am.My faithful old German Pointer and I rose together this morning,well that is to say she woke me from a very light sleep,demanding my attention.She is an old lady now,and although she has an energy that far belies her eleven or twelve years;sometimes she suffers a lot of pain from weary bones,and has a stomach which,at times,resembles a boiler about to explode.This morning is one of those times.I gave her an antacid,which helps after a time,administered by opening her mouth and pushing the antacid to the back of her throat,then blowing and closing her mouth till she swallows.This action is greeted by a trademark buttons kiss,which for her is the gentlest nibble on my nose every time,and every time makes me smile a little,and swell with love for my old friend.We then retired to the sofa where I rubbed her stomach gently and she gazed up at me with soulful brown eyes and murmured her appreciation.Her gratitude to me was returned tenfold by myself as I gently fondled her ears and neck,to be greeted by a quiet "whumph" of contentment.And I found myself dwelling on the countless times we have sat,just like this,over the years.It is a quite magical realization for me how well my dogs understand me without a word being uttered.The simple act of consoling results in being consoled;and my pain seems less severe by the love I feel and the love I am given in return by my canine companion of the night.As I look around,she is asleep now,snuggled under her favorite blanket on the sofa,content,and, for the moment,seemingly pain free.My pain on the other hand,is like a wounded beast,snarling and malevolent,vicious in it's aggression and relentless in it's intent.It is stemmed only by my stubborn refusal to submit to it's demands. together with a few painkillers prescribed by my overworked but willing doctor.I tire easily these days,and I am fully aware that,at times,I use sleep as an escape,where I used to turn to a bottle of hard liquor,I now use the simple act of slumber,totally free and with the grateful lack of a hangover on waking.I must admit sometimes though,a little alcohol is extremely tempting when my pain is acute,such as now.However,I content myself with fresh coffee,and the certain knowledge that the pain will pass,at least temporarily,and I am strengthened by the truth that at least for two consecutive days,I attained the dizzy heights of "ok" on the smiley face mood chart.Emotionally,I feel very low,unable to lift my spirit or my mind to any level of positivity;and it is at times like these that I withdraw within myself,and the drawbridge to the entrance of my world,is pulled firmly into place.I ache for just one week of "okayness"on the mood chart,but,for the present,it is beyond me.Yesterday,a social worker came to see me at home;she told me that"I had suffered a lot of knocks in my life",and I was left speechless once again,by the wisdom a degree brings to one's existence.She asked who had diagnosed my clinical depression,and for a fleeting moment,I almost said the gentleman on the next bar stool;but that would have been churlish and unkind,so I swallowed that particular bitter reply.She spent almost an hour with my wife and myself,telling us that I had issues that hadn't been addressed,and that of course I was depressed and she understood;really?,in one short hour?,well it's taken me fifty seven years to get to here on life's monopoly board,and I still don't fully comprehend what's happening,but then I don't have a degree.I found myself retracing my life to when my little girl died,and people,though wonderfully intentioned and well meaning,said the self same words,"I understand how you feel",I felt like saying,"no,you don't,I know you mean well,but you have no idea how I feel";the social worker sitting on my sofa produced the same reaction within me.However,I remained silent,and drew the drawbridge to my world into place.Finally we said our goodbyes and she left,after patting me on my left shoulder,no doubt a substitute for the magic wand carried out of sight in her briefcase;and I was left with a feeling of having learned nothing and achieved even less.In my life I have learned,if you are going to comment on any subject,know what the subject's about,if you don't understand,don't say you do;and if you haven't experienced it,say nothing at all,and above all,don't say I know how you feel when you have no idea because you haven't lived it.So journal,another day is before us,you and I,companions together on another safari into the unknown;let's see what the next twenty four hours will bring,till then journal,I wish you happy hiking with me through the jungles of what will be.