To Be or Not to Be

Lately, I've been struggling with wanting to remain alive. Although I do not have a plan or intent, I have very little desire to live. Since April 12, 2020, my entire life has turned upside down. I told my husband I no longer loved him. For months, I had been fighting the feelings I developed for a friend who moved in with us. I shared these feelings and this person shared my feelings. We kissed, but I didn't tell my husband. My husband asked the friend to move out. The sudden loss of this individual was so devastating that I spent three days in inpatient psychiatric treatment. I now have a therapist, a marriage counselor, and a psychiatrist. I attend all of my appointments regularly and take my medications as prescribed. My husband read my journal, took pictures of my entries, and distributed them to his friends. These friends told him that he should break my fingers. He confronted me about this and I admitted to my feelings for this friend and that we kissed. Since then, numerous arguments have ensued only to end in agony. Our marriage counselor recommended a temporary separation and now I'm living with friends. We share days with our son. Although I live somewhere else, I feel very little peace. My husband refuses to follow the guidelines to the separation that our marriage counselor has set forth. When I enforce my boundaries, he belittles and berates me. He's threatened to take my son away from me. I don't think I can keep living like this. I can't keep living under my husband's thumb just because he wants to control everything I do. I can't keep going in a relationship where I feel so unloved and unimportant. He seems more concerned with proving me wrong and invalidating my feelings than he does with actually loving me. This is all so very painful. Where do I go from here?