Tis the Season
I am not going to hide it....I feel shitty. My mom was in a very serious car accident 2 days ago, and I cannot be there with her or as a directive to the doctors. I live over 3 to 4 hours away, can't take time off work, and can't take kids out of school. She has a brain bleed but I have talked to her and she assures me she is doing well and may go home today. Point being, brain bleed could go bad at any time...you know what I am getting at. I haven't slept much worrying about her...she's my mom and the thought of fatality just hit me. Guess you never think of your parents "leaving" you, until they do or something horrific happens.
Then I go home and I see a Xmas card addressed to my exH and family....not Lisa and Mark, like it usually is. Of course it's from a family member of his and I should expect this, but it still hurts. I have done nothing and it all comes back in full force and triggered. Then I try to do some shopping and I see all the families or couples together and I just want to dash in a dressing room and hide. The holidays are killing me slowly, the little things, the simple things and traditions mean squat anymore. I used to love to decorate...do the "white picket fence...Norman Rockwell stuff", not anymore. People say make new ones...well I don't want to...they were mine and I want them back. I want my old life back. I want me back.
Then the plain f'ed up bullshit and snappiness has just gotten to me around here and other places. I feel like a fucking punching bag half the time, and I will give it as good as I get it. But I am spent, digging back down the hole again, if that makes any sense. I have held it together, about my mom and others are like..."you are so calm". My response, "nothing I can do to help her from here". They are like "how can you stay so calm"....well actually, today it finally hit me. That's what I do...hold it in until it builds. Not good, I know but it comes when it comes.
Then I go home and I see a Xmas card addressed to my exH and family....not Lisa and Mark, like it usually is. Of course it's from a family member of his and I should expect this, but it still hurts. I have done nothing and it all comes back in full force and triggered. Then I try to do some shopping and I see all the families or couples together and I just want to dash in a dressing room and hide. The holidays are killing me slowly, the little things, the simple things and traditions mean squat anymore. I used to love to decorate...do the "white picket fence...Norman Rockwell stuff", not anymore. People say make new ones...well I don't want to...they were mine and I want them back. I want my old life back. I want me back.
Then the plain f'ed up bullshit and snappiness has just gotten to me around here and other places. I feel like a fucking punching bag half the time, and I will give it as good as I get it. But I am spent, digging back down the hole again, if that makes any sense. I have held it together, about my mom and others are like..."you are so calm". My response, "nothing I can do to help her from here". They are like "how can you stay so calm"....well actually, today it finally hit me. That's what I do...hold it in until it builds. Not good, I know but it comes when it comes.
Replies
My dear friend, I\'m sorry you feel the walls are closing in with your mom\'s accident, your inability to go to be with her, the holidays, the breakup of your marriage, being stuck in a bad living situation, etc. Take stock in the fact you are doing what you can to make this time happy/good for your kids; they will remember and appreciate it somewhere down the road. Remember to keep your friends (us) close; we care about you and how you are. I won\'t tell you to \"make new memories\" or \"find joy in things you can.\" I hate all that trite bullshit. I will tell you: go and do the things that you know will make you happy, feel content. It could be as simple as taking time to enjoy solitude or (for me) spending time at the gym punching a bag pretending it is my ex\'s ugly mug.
We HEART you Lisa and are always here for you. -LC
What a troubled time for you. Maybe changing daily routine or usual routine before holidays will help. Prayers go to you and your mom.
I think because you are stuck in the same house with the STBX the impact of everything is amplified. If you had your own space away it would be more of a refuge. I wish I could wave a magic wand and create that for you. I admire your strength, but even strong women have down days so don\'t beat yourself up for feeling shit. (((HUGSS))) Just remember...we all love you.
I totally agree with Misred, about the amplification, of everything due to seeing Mark daily, and his still being in the home, even after divorce. It was bad enough, during that whole trial and tribulation, and it still continues.
Then add the unexpected fate of the accident, wow, when it rains,it really does pour! I am so sorry that all of this is taking place. And I think the worst of it is knowing you can\'t do a damned thing about it. I hate that when things happen, completetly out of our control, which happens to be a huge part of life, unfortunately.
But all the holiday hype doesn\'t help either. It can be such a wonderful time of the year, but as we get older, we realize it\'s really just another day. Just do the best you can, for the kids sake, and really try to strategize a way to get the hell away, as far away from the ex. Cuz there\'s no way, I can see of your healing to start, until then. I know finances are a huge issue, but I would consider looking at other options. There\'s gotta be something.
i.e.
Moving towards your Mom\'s and let him worry about how he\'s gonna get there for visits, etc. Moving in with your Mom? or some family member?
The kids would then be surrounded more by family, and it might take a little burden off of you. Even if it was for say 9 months, or whatever. I\'m sure you\'d have to look at interviewing and getting a job first in the area! I\'m not sure if and how the job situation is, but even just applying could make you feel empowered enough to know that you do really have some control over this whole nightmare. NOt sure if she\'s in the same state, but all I know is I couldn\'t do it, live with ex. It\'s just insane,and causing you so much extra duress, which you never signed up for.
It\'s too much! Anybody would feel like you! It\'s not you,it\'s the insane situation!
If you wanna talk, you can call me. I wish that i had a concrete solution to offer you,but i really don\'t know all the details of the law, and your requirements. But are you sanctioned for life to be a prisoner in your ex\'s house, with your kids, and just watch your life roll by, while he goes on his merry way, without repercussion. Cuz he was a cheater, you should pay???
I would have been fed up long ago, and somehow, someway, figured something to get the hell out of there!
Is there some way you can make the drive to see your mother this weekend? Take the kids if you must, but GO. Take a bus if you have to. You need to be with her, not just for her, but for YOU.
I was soooo where you are a year ago (except not divorced at the time). My Mom had just passed away and my Dad had gone into full-time care because he had his leg amputated. I stayed with him as long as I could and then I had to get a plane and go back to the \"shared\" house at the time (1500 miles away). I wasn\'t sure life would get any better but I\'ll have to say it really has. It started getting better when I moved out. Yes, I moved into a much smaller
house but life started getting better the day I moved out with my son. Please start to think about taking your kids to another home (even if it\'s an apartment). They don\'t need to grow up thinking this is normal. It will impact their lives in such a negative way. My prayers are with you! And your mom and kids. Hang in there!! (((Hugs))). Diane
Thank you all of you. I have a pretrial in Feb, so I will stick it out until then. I kind of don\'t want to move in the winter unless a deal falls in my lap. I am sticking around, also, bc the house is also in my name and I don\'t want him f\'ing it up and ruining my credit, at least I know the mortgage gets paid. I couldn\'t get to see my mom bc of the ice storm they were getting...I am not taking a chance on getting killed. Sorry, this season just has me more bummed than I ever imagined it would.
(((HUGS))) I\'m thinking of you today.
You know how much your online friends care about you, and we send you \"virtual\" hugs (((((LL)))))), but the truth of the matter is that you need a good old fashioned hug....I wish all of us could somehow magicallly appear at your door and give you these huge hugs and let you get it all out. I guess we all need that, don\'t we.......