Tis the Season
I am not going to hide it....I feel shitty. My mom was in a very serious car accident 2 days ago, and I cannot be there with her or as a directive to the doctors. I live over 3 to 4 hours away, can't take time off work, and can't take kids out of school. She has a brain bleed but I have talked to her and she assures me she is doing well and may go home today. Point being, brain bleed could go bad at any time...you know what I am getting at. I haven't slept much worrying about her...she's my mom and the thought of fatality just hit me. Guess you never think of your parents "leaving" you, until they do or something horrific happens.
Then I go home and I see a Xmas card addressed to my exH and family....not Lisa and Mark, like it usually is. Of course it's from a family member of his and I should expect this, but it still hurts. I have done nothing and it all comes back in full force and triggered. Then I try to do some shopping and I see all the families or couples together and I just want to dash in a dressing room and hide. The holidays are killing me slowly, the little things, the simple things and traditions mean squat anymore. I used to love to decorate...do the "white picket fence...Norman Rockwell stuff", not anymore. People say make new ones...well I don't want to...they were mine and I want them back. I want my old life back. I want me back.
Then the plain f'ed up bullshit and snappiness has just gotten to me around here and other places. I feel like a fucking punching bag half the time, and I will give it as good as I get it. But I am spent, digging back down the hole again, if that makes any sense. I have held it together, about my mom and others are like..."you are so calm". My response, "nothing I can do to help her from here". They are like "how can you stay so calm"....well actually, today it finally hit me. That's what I do...hold it in until it builds. Not good, I know but it comes when it comes.
Then I go home and I see a Xmas card addressed to my exH and family....not Lisa and Mark, like it usually is. Of course it's from a family member of his and I should expect this, but it still hurts. I have done nothing and it all comes back in full force and triggered. Then I try to do some shopping and I see all the families or couples together and I just want to dash in a dressing room and hide. The holidays are killing me slowly, the little things, the simple things and traditions mean squat anymore. I used to love to decorate...do the "white picket fence...Norman Rockwell stuff", not anymore. People say make new ones...well I don't want to...they were mine and I want them back. I want my old life back. I want me back.
Then the plain f'ed up bullshit and snappiness has just gotten to me around here and other places. I feel like a fucking punching bag half the time, and I will give it as good as I get it. But I am spent, digging back down the hole again, if that makes any sense. I have held it together, about my mom and others are like..."you are so calm". My response, "nothing I can do to help her from here". They are like "how can you stay so calm"....well actually, today it finally hit me. That's what I do...hold it in until it builds. Not good, I know but it comes when it comes.
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