tiredof feeling sick, and sick of being tired

I am 45 years old and have lived with anxiety, panic and deptression for almost half my life. I have no idea how I came to be  this way.  used to be outgoing, life of the party kind of guy.  now that is all but wishes...been on I don'i know how many medications, and still till this day I am haunted by my thoughts.  constantly thinking the worst in any situation I am in.  Feel like an utter failure as I am most times agoraphobic.  I have lost all my friends, not on their doing but by me thinking that I am constantly being scrutinized, judged by others.  My wife is very supportive, but I constantly feel as if she's had enough....the list goes on and on.  I'm getting close to just stopping all of my meds and see where that would get me.  I feel as if I am in prison.  I live like it.  tired of being like this, it is the  worst feeling in the world to be hopeless. yet I somehow make it through another crappy day. I don't know where to go from here.  nothing seems to help. can't do psycotherapy because I freak out doing that.  anyone else in the same boat?  or any suggestions?  thanks for taking the time to read all of this.  any thoughts are welcome.  thank you in advance!