Tired of life...
Most of the time, I feel like the worst mom, worst wife, worst daughter, worst friend, worst sister. I see myself and I think, why can't I do more, why don't I try harder, why don't I say the right thing, why don't I keep my mouth shut! I know these things are lies from the enemy, and yet I listen.
There is no one in my life that tells me differently. My husband sees lots of things I do wrong and always seems to let me know, he tries to be kind or joking about what he thinks I am lacking, but it hurts. I thought, 'if I loose this weight, he'll find me attractive.' I am 37 pounds lighter, and he never compliments me on anything, so I quit trying. I still go to the gym, but I do it for me now. I want to look and feel better. I want to set a good example for my girls.
I know that the only person who truly loves me and sees me as a beautiful, intelligent, kind, and gentle person (and values that) is God. Jesus is my best friend, I know that when I feel like I can't go on, I can just be silent and feel his presence, his love and compassion, and peace just flows over me. He never complains about what a mess the house is, or did I do this, or did I do that?? Nope, he loves me because I am a beautiful creation with all my faults he loves me because he created me, and I am just as he created me to be. It doesn't matter if I fail to perform to my or anyone else's standard, he is my rock to lean on, he is my shelter from the relentless waves of pain and fatigue I go through every day. He is always there strong enough to carry me through. He is my peace.
I can't say today that I love life. I have failed in so many ways. I wanted so much more for myself out of life, and it is just crappy. I try not to look at the future because it is too depressing. Today is what I have and if I need help through it I look to the Lord, because no one else can carry that weight. My husband cannot be all that I need him to be, it isn't possible for someone to carry that burden. He is not the type person to give me compliments, or lift me up. His acts of love are not what I am used to, but I have learned to recognize them, he does love me. Just not the way I need to be loved, for that I have Jesus.
I know he has great plans for me, plans with a hope and a future.
There is no one in my life that tells me differently. My husband sees lots of things I do wrong and always seems to let me know, he tries to be kind or joking about what he thinks I am lacking, but it hurts. I thought, 'if I loose this weight, he'll find me attractive.' I am 37 pounds lighter, and he never compliments me on anything, so I quit trying. I still go to the gym, but I do it for me now. I want to look and feel better. I want to set a good example for my girls.
I know that the only person who truly loves me and sees me as a beautiful, intelligent, kind, and gentle person (and values that) is God. Jesus is my best friend, I know that when I feel like I can't go on, I can just be silent and feel his presence, his love and compassion, and peace just flows over me. He never complains about what a mess the house is, or did I do this, or did I do that?? Nope, he loves me because I am a beautiful creation with all my faults he loves me because he created me, and I am just as he created me to be. It doesn't matter if I fail to perform to my or anyone else's standard, he is my rock to lean on, he is my shelter from the relentless waves of pain and fatigue I go through every day. He is always there strong enough to carry me through. He is my peace.
I can't say today that I love life. I have failed in so many ways. I wanted so much more for myself out of life, and it is just crappy. I try not to look at the future because it is too depressing. Today is what I have and if I need help through it I look to the Lord, because no one else can carry that weight. My husband cannot be all that I need him to be, it isn't possible for someone to carry that burden. He is not the type person to give me compliments, or lift me up. His acts of love are not what I am used to, but I have learned to recognize them, he does love me. Just not the way I need to be loved, for that I have Jesus.
I know he has great plans for me, plans with a hope and a future.
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