Tired Of Being Labeled

As I look at my endless posts and journals, I realize I  definitely have my ups and downs (but I think we all do?) But when I get to feeling overwhelmed and tired... I do easily resort back to old habits . This is when many do remind me I am acting the victim. (If truth be known, I guess I am.  It is almost instant that I do go back to the pity party and wanting to give up. )

The thing is, lately  there have been quite a few times where I am overcome with anxiety. My first instinct is to do what I need to get through it, but any complication does really throw me off.  (Part of the reason I am checking into options to help with anxiety attacks. )  My first thought is to tear up, retreat... and type my little heart out.   (If I think back many years ago, a counselor did tell me not to use my writing as a crutch. Maybe that is what I am doing? Afraid to reach out, but for me I can do it a bit freer on here.)   I guess I am taking the easy way out. I post on here and hope someone will hear me and reach out ( or at least acknowledge I am here)  I am lucky because many of you are kind and do just that.... Thank you for that. 

Technically, I have been  given several labels  and each one stings.... the victim... handicapped... I am afraid I am just extremely sensitive lately   (Oh God, there's another one!)    I think things are creeping up on me. 

I have been sorting through things and came across mementos that Dave kept from me... plus our anniversary  would have been in a few days. I stumbled across Terms Of Endearment and watched that and was then reminded that Mom's birthday is at the end of the month, and she passed away the week before.  Then I was thinking back to how brave I was just a few months back.... to take that risk and go meet someone who will always be a good friend.  It makes me feel good to have him still reach out to share big things with me and I can with him,(for the most part, but I do have some I now feel I cannot )  I am happy things are working out so well for  him just have an occasional "sting" from him too.  To hear how close he and his new lady friend are... and the fact that she is now working for and helping him with his business  (something I did once think I was going to do) The writing is gone now too .. as well as the options I was going to check into.  I need to make some changes as I don't think I can handle too many more years of the work I currently do. I am still going to check into the options I was thinking, but now have to find another to "mentor " me here since I have no clue but want to learn.   

I suppose I need to just suck it up, stop whining and typing and just continue to try try again.