Tired Monster

Woke up this morning very tired. This journey is probably the hardest I've ever been on. Being tired is my biggest fear, for that is when the monster of grief awakens. This journey is not about how strong I am or I'm supposed to be, how much faith I do or do not have, it's about grieving for my husband, my friend, my love. It's about not seeing him every day, not having him here to hug or kiss. It's going through my days with a smile, knowing that I've lost all of this in the blink of an eye.What makes this harder are the people who do and don't share this journey with me. I have found out who my true friends are. What real family is like and I've come to understand that the only thing that truly matters is to breathe in and breathe out. Each moment is new, each breath is new. I am lost but found, I am alive but sometimes dead, I am filled with joy and laughter, pain and tears. I am weak but I am strong. I am a mess. I'm not looking for sympathy, for my faith is strong, I have the peace in knowing where Johnny is and the assurance of where I'm going. I just know that each day is different. I wake up and remember to breathe, and I go again. This is my journey and right now it really sucks.