Tired; feel a little "better"; BURNOUT
I've been going since early this morning. Got back to the house a little before 6p.m. after working; it's now 8:30 and I am just sitting down for a couple minutes. I grabbed the opportunity to get some cleaning, etc. done while the girls were in class ... for some reason, I do better alone ... someone always doing something, so "can't" vacuum, scrub something.
I was late for my appointment (as usual) this morning. I still have a bald tire on the right front and the roads were icy this morning. Feels like that tire wants to go a different direction than the other (I had to change a flat the other day, so one has good tread.) I hate the stress of driving in a dangerous car on slick roads ... I am a good driver and careful, though so I know it helps. But ah, to someday again drive a reliable car! Maybe I will build my own (ha-ha) after I get more of the structure and principles down. Not really, but I think I'd enjoy being able to do a lot of the work myself that I can and save money plus know my car well ... plus if things ever improve, I can "volunteer" myself to help others or teach some basics.
I talked (vented, he said) for the full time I was there. I wasn't angry ... I was telling him again how I realize I am in the exhaustion stage of burnout. I found out the other day that my oldest doesn't have ANY financial aid ... why, why, why, why? They still need books and some access codes, although oldest bought a couple of the ones she needed and youngest was given one by a friend and one by me. I told him I HAVE to find someone to help a bit with car ... plus I need money for parts, etc. Apparently, I will have to take ex to Court for educational support ... but I can only imagine WHEN ... almost two years since the other judgment and I have yet to see ONE penny ... it's finally gotten to the point of screwing up my finances. I figure, though, if I can get the car working (and please, God, help it keep going) I can get another job ... I can't believe how many crises there have been ... I never have probs getting jobs ... and it SUCKS to be so far away from all. When he was screwing with me before when we divorced, I could walk or ride my bicycle ... and I did! The one thing I KNOW is it sucks counting on other people (or agencies) for help ... most of the "help" is imaginary or stuff "any eligible citizen" meeting criteria for a program (mostly government, but a few others) can get. And I know most of them ... I am educated and have always (til NarcFace put me through hell) supported myself ... and even then, I kept trying to work ...
His next client canceled, so he called me back into the office for a while and did some processing. I wasn't feeling "emotional" but I got hit hard by tears when I decided to include God in the mix. I can't handle what I am going through at times; it would at least help if I knew this was "consequences" (also in re: answered prayer ... makes me groan at times ... WHY did I pray THAT?!) or one of those faith things ... I think of Joseph in prison for years ... for a crime he didn't commit, Abraham going up the mountain with his son Isaac, long awaited, preparing to sacrifice him ... Job, "righteous" in God's words ... and many others. I only wonder how much their heads were spinning ...
Anyway, the processing seems to have helped; probably too, verbalizing to someone else the whole spiritual thing, as I have been "getting" it ... not that I have "gotten" a lot. And of course, I always think of stuff like occupied Europe under the Nazi regime (the courageous people who hid and cared for others or helped them escape) and realize "this is nothing". But it IS, when I see others around me, seemingly carefree, or at least for the most part. And I do know some people whose lives I certainly wouldn't trade for ... so hard to say what's good or bad ... just that I have "no clue" exactly or even roughly how to handle some of what I'm up against. I'd really rather be able to get an excellent job and stay away from Court. Yes, ex NEEDS to be responsible, but it's really NOT worth the price it exacts from me or our daughters. I really wish I'd known what a jerk he'd turn out to be ... had I known my car was going to turn into a POS just when I needed it the most ...
So, back to scrubbing ... bathrooms for a bit. Try to figure out the book situation and work on a budget. Decided the bills I can't pay (and won't work with me) I am going to pay what I can for the moment, also try to build at least a small reserve again. If I can get the car running, get the second job, it'll save me a lot of time and exasperation, plus not having to depend on others' mercy or whatever ... I know I HAVE to get into some sort of recovery mode from this burnout, or I WILL be going DOWN. I've been seeing the signs and feeling the symptoms for some time now ... So just a couple of "major focus" priorities, that if met, will help the others sort of slide into place (God willing). And THAT would make a world of difference ... for the better.
I was late for my appointment (as usual) this morning. I still have a bald tire on the right front and the roads were icy this morning. Feels like that tire wants to go a different direction than the other (I had to change a flat the other day, so one has good tread.) I hate the stress of driving in a dangerous car on slick roads ... I am a good driver and careful, though so I know it helps. But ah, to someday again drive a reliable car! Maybe I will build my own (ha-ha) after I get more of the structure and principles down. Not really, but I think I'd enjoy being able to do a lot of the work myself that I can and save money plus know my car well ... plus if things ever improve, I can "volunteer" myself to help others or teach some basics.
I talked (vented, he said) for the full time I was there. I wasn't angry ... I was telling him again how I realize I am in the exhaustion stage of burnout. I found out the other day that my oldest doesn't have ANY financial aid ... why, why, why, why? They still need books and some access codes, although oldest bought a couple of the ones she needed and youngest was given one by a friend and one by me. I told him I HAVE to find someone to help a bit with car ... plus I need money for parts, etc. Apparently, I will have to take ex to Court for educational support ... but I can only imagine WHEN ... almost two years since the other judgment and I have yet to see ONE penny ... it's finally gotten to the point of screwing up my finances. I figure, though, if I can get the car working (and please, God, help it keep going) I can get another job ... I can't believe how many crises there have been ... I never have probs getting jobs ... and it SUCKS to be so far away from all. When he was screwing with me before when we divorced, I could walk or ride my bicycle ... and I did! The one thing I KNOW is it sucks counting on other people (or agencies) for help ... most of the "help" is imaginary or stuff "any eligible citizen" meeting criteria for a program (mostly government, but a few others) can get. And I know most of them ... I am educated and have always (til NarcFace put me through hell) supported myself ... and even then, I kept trying to work ...
His next client canceled, so he called me back into the office for a while and did some processing. I wasn't feeling "emotional" but I got hit hard by tears when I decided to include God in the mix. I can't handle what I am going through at times; it would at least help if I knew this was "consequences" (also in re: answered prayer ... makes me groan at times ... WHY did I pray THAT?!) or one of those faith things ... I think of Joseph in prison for years ... for a crime he didn't commit, Abraham going up the mountain with his son Isaac, long awaited, preparing to sacrifice him ... Job, "righteous" in God's words ... and many others. I only wonder how much their heads were spinning ...
Anyway, the processing seems to have helped; probably too, verbalizing to someone else the whole spiritual thing, as I have been "getting" it ... not that I have "gotten" a lot. And of course, I always think of stuff like occupied Europe under the Nazi regime (the courageous people who hid and cared for others or helped them escape) and realize "this is nothing". But it IS, when I see others around me, seemingly carefree, or at least for the most part. And I do know some people whose lives I certainly wouldn't trade for ... so hard to say what's good or bad ... just that I have "no clue" exactly or even roughly how to handle some of what I'm up against. I'd really rather be able to get an excellent job and stay away from Court. Yes, ex NEEDS to be responsible, but it's really NOT worth the price it exacts from me or our daughters. I really wish I'd known what a jerk he'd turn out to be ... had I known my car was going to turn into a POS just when I needed it the most ...
So, back to scrubbing ... bathrooms for a bit. Try to figure out the book situation and work on a budget. Decided the bills I can't pay (and won't work with me) I am going to pay what I can for the moment, also try to build at least a small reserve again. If I can get the car running, get the second job, it'll save me a lot of time and exasperation, plus not having to depend on others' mercy or whatever ... I know I HAVE to get into some sort of recovery mode from this burnout, or I WILL be going DOWN. I've been seeing the signs and feeling the symptoms for some time now ... So just a couple of "major focus" priorities, that if met, will help the others sort of slide into place (God willing). And THAT would make a world of difference ... for the better.
Replies
Yes, it is hard, isn\'t it? People are hell! Well, your ex is, anyway. Sad. These guys get away with so much, not paying support that is ordered and, it seems, no one gives a damned! I have a friend who has received NO support for the three children for well over 10 years. They had him in court and the judge let him go on bail and, of course, he has disappeared again and has not reported to the probation officer, just as he did before all those years, the law does not seem to give a damned and will not out any resources to helping those who need support to get it. I wish that there were a way . . . . . I am sorry. Hugs and compassion. Neesie
I\'m sorry Dadda that your having such difficulties right now, but it will get better I promise. Try to stay strong and keep looking up like you said put God in the mix I think that will help. He promised that he would give us the desires of our heart and I believe him, have faith.
Yes, Anyse, the \"law\" is so busy that we aren\'t people, just a pain to them it seems. Not that I\'m out there robbing and looting and so on, clogging up the system ... the more I learn the more I wonder at such highly educated minds that demonstrate little intelligence or good sense.
And Masashell, thank you. I am trying to do the best I can in faith and all; this seems like a new challenge though similar to past, but I know me, I\'m asking God to stay close to me, cause a lot of the time I don\'t want to be nice or keep trying or anything! I know it\'s just fatigue and stress and being human, but I hate it! \"This too shall pass\"...
Wow, I am beginning to think the best advise for life at times is to, \"Duck and cover!!!\"\"
I hope life is working itself out for you -- at least enough to allow you to feel your head is above the water line.
((hugs)) shared.
I have a cousin who was continually taking her exH to court for back support, and finally she just got so tired of it all. She ended the 12 year long battle by negotiating a deal with him. She wound up with only $10,000, and she was probably fortunate to get that. Sadly, the courts are so tied up..... they\'re a joke. Would your exH agree to some kind of settlement for the arrears of support?
I pray there\'s some way your ex will be held accountable. If he doesn\'t start being a man, he will be jeopardizing losing his daughters. At some point, they\'re going to get tired of his excuses.
I have a step daughter who is going to college, and I know how expensive those books are. It\'s insane what they cost! Even though we aren\'t required to pay her anymore support, since she\'s over 18, we sent her $1,000. It was all we could scrape up. Wish we could help her more, but hope that bought her a few books and supplies. And, my NH bought her a couch for her apartment. At least, she isn\'t sitting on the floor now. I wish we were able to help her more. And the thing is, she doesn\'t treat me very well.... due to her mother\'s speaking badly of me. One day that truth will be exposed.
And your daughters will be seeing the truth more and more, too. Sadly, one of life\'s lessons is to learn how to recognize love for what it really is. And, you\'re showing your girls how much you love them. You will be rewarded for that! Meanwhile, I know how tough it is, how frustrating life can be. Keep your chin up, and keep praying. I\'ll keep sending prayers your way, too! There is power in prayer!!! (((Hugs)))