tired

tired, cat meowing again, god they are always hungry.  mom in kitchen or dining room wanting something, alsways more and more.  where am i in all this  i feel like i am reduced to a servant and slave in my own home.  every day is a marathon.  raymond carver wrote this one short story i think it was the one called the student's wife or something like that in they are in bed talking the wife mostly talking they are very poor i think, can't remember that well and at one point she is talking and she says something like... "i feel like... i feel like.. i feel like..."  trying to voice something and every time i read that i tear up..  i guess you'd have to read it in context but it's so poignant.  why am i even writing about this. i think just because this is just some troubled overwhelmed person blabbing and it that's me too and the story kind of reminded me of that.  such a vulnerability in life that is sad.  the vulnerability making both the happy and sad kind of sad especially in retrospect. i notice that with my parents both being old, looking back at their lives or what i know of them, their triumps and fears and sad times and it just breaks my fucking heart because both of them are so vulnerable, we all are and with all the fighting and strife and struggle and day to day shit it's like that can be so easily forgotten and i think it must be to survive.  the more sensitive you are the worse it is i think.  with all the fighting and dissention and even abuse i grew up with i am very attached to both of my parents, esp my mom.  and it's weird how if you sift through all of it, all the time we spent together good and bad, what you get at the end is just love.  that's all that's left. the rest just doesn't fucking matter at all. the rest is nothing more than a distraction.  i think i need to try to remember that more.  esp now that my parents are old.  i think life in many ways is basically sad.  maybe that's what depression is.  partly.  i don't know.  this is total bullshit.  i am so fucking tired right now.  i need to go feed my cat and pat him so he calms down.