Tire tracks on my back...

Ever feel like someone just threw you under the bus? Yep... me too. :/ My family is pretty messed up, as most are. We have a mix of bipolar disorder, depression, narcissim and a general case of Assholes Anonymous. -_- Just feeling a bit down tonight is all. Here's the short-end of the family drama this round: My narcissitic mother is incapable of making a decision on her own without consulting everyone in the phonebook. This means that everyone is privy to ALL her reasoning (whether sane or not). She's trying to decide whether or not to go to a family wedding several hours away in a not-so-good part of Detroit. My mother is a country bumpkin with anxiety issues and so this is quite the feat for her. Instead of mulling it over privately, she has to call the entire family who honestly, are even more crazy than she is, and consult their opinion. A lot of feelings bubble to the surface i.e. "I went to your daughter's wedding, but you can't come to mine?" etc. To top that off my sister was just home visiting and she has this chummy relationship with this diabolical aunt I have that is the bane to my existence. It's a source of tension for us as sisters, but we try to get around it. I don't hate my aunt... I just see her true colors and my sister is clueless. But since she's the elder sibling I'm "just a kid" and don't understand. There was a bridal shower a month ago that we were all supposed to attend, but my sister didn't want to. So, on the day of the shower, my sister and diabolical aunt plan a family shindig with all their favorite family members. Obviously, the bride to be was offended at the absence of so much of her family at her shower (this is the same bride getting married in Detroit). There's a reason I'm explaining all this... it ALL ties in together! HAHA! So... my mom was mad that her one daughter had been so rude and her sister (the aunt) had been accomplice to such travesty.

    This same aunt a few days later wanted to come visit me and meet my daughter for the first time. Sounds sweet, eh? Well the truth of it is, she's never made an attempt at seeing her in the past (my kid is over a year old for crying out loud) and funny how all of a sudden my sister is in town there's this 'need' to visit my kid. The truth is, my aunt doesn't like me and could care less about my baby, but since my sister is home visiting (she lives in Australia so this is only once a year) she has to put on this production of this loving, involved aunt figure to prove to my sister she's the good one and I'm just being a snob. Well there was only ONE time my aunt could come visit... 10am on the day of my baby's first birthday party. Now anyone that has children knows 10am is prime nap time. I haul my kid everywhere without much credence to a schedule on the days I'm out. However, on a typical day when I'm home she sleeps at 10 and this is a staple of her lifestyle. I'm not one to plan EVERYTHING around a freaking nap... but on her birthday?? I had 20 people coming over that evening to celebrate her. I had a house to clean and balloons to pick up. I had the whole day planned and my aunt has been completely non-chalant about her existence since her birth and suddenly when my sis is around and on the ONE day I want her to be well rested and happy for her birthday... THAT is when she wants to come see her. So... in another act of 'snobbery' I said "No Thank-You". My sister relayed the message since my aunt is unable to call me on the phone -_-. I made it clear to my sister that I knew my aunt's alterior motives... but at the same time I didn't want to exclude her. Even though she was only coming to visit to parade her 'sainthood' in front of my sister, she at least made the effort. So I reiterated to my sis "Tell her that if she waits just a couple hours my baby will be awake and she can visit her then." I explained to her that I had no problem (despite my busy day) to let her see my daughter... just if it could be closer to noon to not interfere with her schedule on her birthday. Well my aunt showed up at my mom's place at 10am like she wanted to and my baby slept while the family visited and cousins played. I was at home alone and excluded (by my own choice, but still not unavoidable) while my sister and her kid had a fun time with the aunt and cousins. I was upset she couldn't alter her schedule just a couple hours to suit a baby on her birthday, but then again, it has always been in her nature to be selfish. Afterwards my sister rehashed the visit to me (she always plays the advocate to the one she's talking to... makes me wonder what she says about me when I'm not around? -_- ). I asked her, "Did you tell our Aunt to wait a couple hours so she could see my baby?" "Well, she had an appointment at 11 so she couldn't have stayed longer anyway." she replied. I repeated back to her... "But still, you didn't tell her I would be more than happy to meet with her if it was just a couple hours later?" *silence* Nope... she didn't mention that. THROWN UNDER THE BUS! By my own sister no doubt?? Like, I realize it wouldn't have worked due to the appointment... but geez... just letting a person know you're WILLING to meet with them seems a lot more amiable than 'my time or the highway' which is how I appeared due to my sister's completely incapability at communicating.

    So anyway, back to the wedding... my mom's calling the neighborhood for advice on her 'oh so important appearance' at this wedding... and no one cares but they listen because they're decent people. The mother of the bride is miffed that she has to hear my mother's grievances about the wedding's location and time etc. I RSVP'd a month ago saying we couldn't make it (I did attend the shower and skipped the contending family shindig to show my support). The wedding is almost 3 hours away and spread out over the entire day and children are not invited. My daughter would have to stay the night with my in-laws in order to facilitate us going... and I just am not ready to do that yet. I'm a stay-at-home mom and she's very used to 'home' and really doesn't know her grandparents on that side hardly at all. It would be a BIG ordeal for her to sleep over while we run to a wedding. I apologized to the bride on the RSVP card and it was done. Over. Finished. Then mother swoops in. *eyeroll* She feels she has to explain my absence for me... which I guess is her just being a protective mom... but I really didn't get the feeling anyone was pissed at me?? She goes on to tell the mother of the bride AND my diabolical Aunt that I'm not going because it's too hard and I'm a 'nursing mother' which has been her excuse for me from everything to my testiness to tardiness. My Aunt hollers out "Well tell her to pump like everyone else does!!" and mom gets her feathers ruffled and defends me "Don't point your fingers at my daughter!" and my Aunt hangs up. I know all of this of course because my mother dished to me every explicit detail, reinacting with impersonations and all.

    In the mean time my very best friend who is also my cousin meets up with the diabolical Aunt by chance at a parade. The Aunt spares no time in spilling "Well I haven't got to see your cousin's baby... I tried (imagine the pity party) but when I drove all the way up there it just wasn't a convenient time for her to see me." And of course, I find all this out from my cousin who I love dearly but is an avid brown-noser. I said "Well why didn't you stick up for me? It was the worst possible time for her to stop by!" and my BEST friend repies "Well I didn't know what to say - I didn't even know it happened!" to which I replied... "Yeah you did... I nearly kept you updated on the Aunt drama on a moment-by-moment basis." *silence* "Yeah, now that you mention it, I do remember." *facepalm* This same best friend who will swear up and down she can't stand the Aunt runs over to her house and joins in on the festivities of the family shindig on the day of the bridal shower. -_- THERE ARE JUST TOO MANY WOMEN WITH TOO MUCH TIME IN THIS FAMILY!!! My life is like a continual episode of Everybody Loves Raymond and I can't hit pause to save my life.

    To top that, my sister, who as a grown adult moved to 'quite literally' the other side of the planet (most likely to avoid my mother) is having jealousy over our parents treatment of our kids. She thinks our parents love my baby more than hers. Ugh... We struggled for 7 years to have a child. My baby is a miracle and she is cute and fun and everyone loves her. My sister had her little boy 7 years ago and he's the pride of my parents - they ADORE him! It broke their hearts he was so far away. It hurt me a little that she had a child and I didn't, but I never once let myself get sad about it. I was happy for her and I loved my nephew completely. And now that I have my own child the attitude has changed? How awful is that? Of course my parents will be closer to my child... we live freaking NEXT DOOR!!! (Yes, I'm a glutton for punishment!) But that doesn't mean they love one more than the other! She's in that cute baby stage right now where everything is new and she toddles around pointing to things... everyone moons over kids that age. My nephew is running around and building things and nearly old enough to watch over her... of course he's not going to be swooned over like a baby! But my sister has to try to create drama out of nothing. It's just disgusting that something could be so sweet and wonderful and because of nasty feelings bubbling up and a lack of self-control it's ruined. :( Did she think I was never a tad jealous she had a child at all when my arms were empty? And she never even acted like motherhood was something she truly wanted... when I always had. When I was in the midst of our infertility battle and vented for just a moment to her (we rarely talk on the phone, let alone about deep things) she said "It's not a big deal if you can't have kids." *ouch* And then of course she runs to the Aunt to dump all her family frustrations on and tells her that my parents favor me and my child more than her and hers. A lot of this is conjecture mind you, but having been in this family my whole life I know how these women work. You pick up on little inuendos in coversation... it doesn't take much creativity to put the puzzle pieces together and know what happened. Suddenly my Aunt is making snide remarks to my mom about having favorites among her kids, and how my sister and I were treated differently as children. *sigh* Gee... wonder where that came from?

    The irony is, I'm struggling with jealousy on the OTHER side of my family. My husband's parents have always been extremely involved in their grandkids' lives. My one and only sister-in-law had 4 boys close together and it was a struggle when they were a young couple to make ends meet and have childcare. My mother-in-law was there helping out her daughter and practically raised those boys so her daughter and son-in-law could pay their bills. Throughout my nephews' childhoods they were impeccable grandparents; showing up to track meets and showering them with gifts and coming to church activities. They were incredibly close. Mind you, in all this I was the Auntie who loved her nephews and never once let jealousy creep in. And that's the honest truth. Despite not having any children of my own and desperately wanting them, I watched my sister-in-law and her 'tribe' with true joy. My husband and I were in the process of becoming foster parents when I found out I was pregnant. I had heard my sister-in-law over the years whine about how much she wanted a girl... she had even made the comment "You just watch, SHE'LL have a girl someday and she'll get to dress her all cute!" meaning me. It was a funny comment I took light-heartedly... until I was in the hospital and she was there holding my daughter for the first time telling me that her and her husband had just signed up to be foster parents. Yes, that's right. With 4 children of her own and NONE of them grown (the oldest was still only 14 at the time) they decided suddently they wanted more children. I was fine with that, I told her "You'll finally get your girl!" And I smiled... because I truly wasn't bothered. It had nothing to do with me what they were doing. It seemed like a lot to take on - most foster families have no children, or are older and their own kids mostly grown. But what happened in the subsequent months changed my attitude. Right away she took on 3 little girls - so they became a family of 9. The oldest little girl had come from an abusive home and had violent tendancies. I saw it immediately and with a 3 month old, I was very leary to leave my baby alone to nap in the house when she was around. No one seemed to have the same opinion I did (which I kept to myself) until the little girl started acting out. She kicked and hit my nephews and sister-in-law and at a birthday party she tried to shove another little girl off a 2nd story balcony! She was constantly throwing things out her window and threatening to kill herself. The poor thing didn't know what she was doing and she was so abused it's no wonder she was acting out. But here I am with my tiny baby feeling rather nervous. I got a little frustrated over it... I mean... my feelings aren't as important as a child's well-being.... but I just couldn't help but feel jilted by the whole ordeal. My husband and I waited a few years before even trying to have kids, we wanted to be ready and prepared financially and otherwise. We then tried for 7 years before getting pregnant. All the while my sister-in-law brought her boys to every family function where they were the center of attention and totally safe and cared for. Now suddenly when my child enters the scene, my sister-in-law has turned family Easter into a chaotic, loud, seemingly dangerous mess for a newborn. As the months went by the violent little girl got worse and they were forced to move her to another home. The case worker said she was 'a danger to other children in the home'. The other two however (from a different family) stayed on and they both were very close in age to my daughter. At first I told myself it'd be fun having 3 girls in the family around the same age - they'd be playmates! But as I saw my in-laws gravitate towards them I felt more jealousy creeping in. Now my baby is a year old, and my in-laws have had VERY little involvment in her life. They barely know her, and she doesn't know them at all. They don't make much of an effort to be a part of her life and it hurts. *sigh* When someone hurts or rejects you it's one thing... but when it's your kid... it's a whole other kind of hurt. I just sit back flabbergasted as my in-laws fawn over these two little foster children who are still legally on the road to unification with their biological parents. I realize the little things were neglected and abused... I realize they need lots of love and a warm, loving family...but doesn't my kid need that too? They have spent at least 10x more time with the foster girls than with their own biological grandchild. I could understand if they were adopted and we knew for certain they would be with us forever... but in reality, if mom and dad straighten up they will go back to their home with them. And all that time spent with them... well it won't be wasted, but it will seem kinda crazy when in all likelihood they'll never be seen again. Fostering is hard... not just for the parents, but the entire family. It changes the whole dynamic of family structure. I realize I have things to work on in my heart. I have to accept all this and move on. I do love those little girls too and I hope for their sakes that my sister-in-law can adopt them and not go back to the hellhole they were taken from. It's just hard right now - but it feels good to vent. So yeah, from my mom 'defending' me to a fault over the wedding, from my Aunt construing me as the worst kind of neice, to my sister giving my Aunt reason to think so, to my best friend who is afraid to stick up for me, to the sister-in-law who has to have her family in the spotlight, to my in-laws that DO play favorites and my sister who imagines it... well... it's a lot. But it's family - and I think we all have our own dramafests from time to time. Is there anyone who has a perfect family?? :P