Tiny Voice versus The Urge

When I first started really trying to quit I had a breakdown of sorts. Maybe it was a breaking apart. I had to separate myself from the voice that was telling me to gamble - maybe for the first time since I had become an addict. The part of me that craved gambling had taken over my entire life. I felt like I had to find the part of me that gambling had stolen. I called that part of me "the tiny voice". The tiny voice was rational, wanted to live, wanted a chance to have a life again and it was weak. The urge was powerful. On one particularly hard day what I've written down really happened. I really had this conversation with myself. I felt nuts and it terrified me. But this is a record of the first victory that tiny voice had. After a lot of hard work, I can honestly say that I am 90% tiny voice now..... not so tiny :)

TINY VOICE VERSUS THE URGE
 
I’ve heard
Minute by minute
If that’s what it takes
And that’s what it fucking takes
Who knew
 
Every addict that’s ever tried to quit
That’s who knew
 
I woke up this morning feeling like
I was the urge and
The rational voice
Was the foreigner
 
I felt tingly inside
A sort of excitement inside
Anticipation
Because I was the urge
And I was going to get what I wanted
 
And life could suck my dick
If I had one
 
But that tiny voice was whispering
 
You’ll have to tell her
 
Big scary voice shouts
 
No I won’t
 
You are actually going to pay for help
And then lie to that paid for help
That’s fucking crazy talk right there ma’am
 
You’re crazy
I can do whatever I want
I’m a grown woman
And if I want to go
And not tell anyone
Then that’s what I’ll fucking do
 
You’re sick
You need more help
You need to sit down
Stop whatever you are doing
You are triggered right now
and you don’t have to do anything
 
fuck you
I’m getting dressed
Keep talking and see what happens
Watch me walk out the door
 
If you can just make it until 2PM
You won’t have enough time to go
Just hang on that long
You can do this
 
You think you’re so smart
You are a fucking idiot
You know you can’t stop me
I am not afraid of you
You pathetic little piece of nothingness
 
Let’s go
Pick out clothes
Put on make-up
Plug in flat iron
Blow dry hair
 
Even though you’re dressed
You don’t have to go
You can just sit right down
You are closer to 2 than you think
 
You need the money you are going to spend
And you are going to feel sick after going
And you are going to have to tell Megan
And she’s probably going to deem you
Hopeless
 
You
are hopeless
Come on let’s go
Grab your purse
And your keys
Remember that coupon you have
That’s worth 50 dollars
Maybe that’s all you’ll have to spend
We’ll cash that first and play
Max bet on your favorite machine
I bet you’ll get a bonus first thing
Can you picture it?

I know you’re dressed
And keys are in hand
It will only take you 15 minutes
To get there
But just check your work email first
And since you’re at the computer
Read the stuff you’ve written about
Your recovery
 
Let’s go time is ticking
 
….. and I read the things I wrote
And they said
Lisa you are sick
This is a sickness
You have to save yourself
You can’t keep going on this way
You want to stop wanting to die
And you can make it through a day
You are all that you’ve got
And if you go
You’ll know
It won’t be the end
But it will not make things better
You can end this day with your head up
And if you can make it today
As bad as it is
You can make it any day
Just keep keeping on
Keep fighting
Stop the madness
And gain your strength
Breathe
Make the decision that you aren’t going
And live with it
Even though it sucks
Breathe
Go get something to eat
Back away from the ledge
Watch some junk tv
Look it’s 2pm
And it’s too late to go
And you’ve made it another day
Breathe