Time Where Does it go?
People will ask how long has your son been gone. Out of my mouth wants to say six months ago, then I stop myself and think No that is not right. Then i think how could it be over three years. As hard as my heart ached and not once did I ever think that heart pain would ever get any better. Then when my mind realizes the time it has been now and even though my heart still hurts. Even though at times the heavey pain rips through my heart. It no longer controls me yet as my mind could not wrap around myselp that my son died that night in 09. It is just as hard for my mind to wrap around itself. It has been over three years. How, where did the time go, how could it be so now instead of the "why" questions that once pentrated my being day and night for so long has now turned to the "how". How could it be.
I remember the days and nights that it felt my heart was being ripped out of my body. I can remember when I literally felt I was going to die of a broken heart. I can remenber it all, every tiny piece of pain I felt but to shock the mind and body got to when I said 3 years. It just does not feel right or seem right. It was just yesterday we left his body at the ICU but it was not yesterday, it is over three years. I wonder How How did those years past and here I still am living, going on, still missing my son, still wishing things had turned out different, but fact is fact three years have passed my heart did not break into a million pieces. My heart is still intact. Do i still feel the pain? Yes, at times. Do I still find myself crying, Yes, but not the deep horror crying I experienced that night in 09 or for the many days ahead that I cried from the day I woke hoping night would get here soon to go to bed to escape for a few hours remembering my son is gone.
Now it has been over three years and I wonder where has the time gone. How is the pain now, not as it was somewhat it seems I can handle things easier. Oh I have my times. But it is not like it was in the beginning or for the period of time. How long did the horrible pain stay with me day or night. When did things start to change, i can not say. But once that Dec 09 night did I feel my heart totally ripped apart. That night and many days to come I did not want to live. All the why's that bombarded my heart and mind. When did it start that I could handle things a little better. I can't say. But somewhere in these past three years I have gotten stronger. I will never stop missing my son, I will always wish for that things could have been diierent. Will I always feel a tear or maybe more than one but somewhere along these three years my heart has started to heal. Is it totally healed. I do not think so and I doubt it ever will be completely healded, but I am coping better. I know there will still be yhose times when I will cry, when i will want to vent but I know that three years ago i did not think I would be where I am today. Today my questions of "why" have turned to "How". How could this much time have passed. I know that I have accepted Ken is happy, no more pain. Do I miss him Always. Butthree years ago I did not feel I could or would get to where I am today. I miss you my son, I always will. And I love you with all my heart.
I remember the days and nights that it felt my heart was being ripped out of my body. I can remember when I literally felt I was going to die of a broken heart. I can remenber it all, every tiny piece of pain I felt but to shock the mind and body got to when I said 3 years. It just does not feel right or seem right. It was just yesterday we left his body at the ICU but it was not yesterday, it is over three years. I wonder How How did those years past and here I still am living, going on, still missing my son, still wishing things had turned out different, but fact is fact three years have passed my heart did not break into a million pieces. My heart is still intact. Do i still feel the pain? Yes, at times. Do I still find myself crying, Yes, but not the deep horror crying I experienced that night in 09 or for the many days ahead that I cried from the day I woke hoping night would get here soon to go to bed to escape for a few hours remembering my son is gone.
Now it has been over three years and I wonder where has the time gone. How is the pain now, not as it was somewhat it seems I can handle things easier. Oh I have my times. But it is not like it was in the beginning or for the period of time. How long did the horrible pain stay with me day or night. When did things start to change, i can not say. But once that Dec 09 night did I feel my heart totally ripped apart. That night and many days to come I did not want to live. All the why's that bombarded my heart and mind. When did it start that I could handle things a little better. I can't say. But somewhere in these past three years I have gotten stronger. I will never stop missing my son, I will always wish for that things could have been diierent. Will I always feel a tear or maybe more than one but somewhere along these three years my heart has started to heal. Is it totally healed. I do not think so and I doubt it ever will be completely healded, but I am coping better. I know there will still be yhose times when I will cry, when i will want to vent but I know that three years ago i did not think I would be where I am today. Today my questions of "why" have turned to "How". How could this much time have passed. I know that I have accepted Ken is happy, no more pain. Do I miss him Always. Butthree years ago I did not feel I could or would get to where I am today. I miss you my son, I always will. And I love you with all my heart.
Replies
Sandy, I feel like I too could have written this journal. We came in about the same time and I have felt close to you ever since. You tried to help my younger son get a job and even if it didn\'t work out, I thank you and your family for trying. (Btw he has a job now, thank goodness.)
Yes, over three years now - I am glad you are seeing the beginnings of healing too. You have had such a time with your mom and your own health, it made it so much harder on you but today you can feel the healing and that is truly good news. I too know when I don\'t feel well, it makes everything worse again.
Love ya Sandi#3. (That reminds me 3\'s are becoming a sign for Josh and I too.) - Leda
Sandy - You have expressed how I feel so well. How could it be 3 years? You are so right. We will never stop missing our children. We will shed tears. But, like you, I never thought I could be where we are today.
Thank you for sharing.
Love, Marlene
\"Life is for the living, the light is for later\".....these words held me in their arms for the last 4 years...I am here, I am alive...I honor the process of life. Our sons now ride the night, they see the truth, and I have to believe the last thing they would ever want is for their mothers to suffer debilitating grief...we honor their memory by believing in the sanctity of now, all else will come in due time.
We are \"ONE\"....Peace and light, Rebecca
Dear Sandi...I feel exactly the same way and try to tell the new moms that the physical pain will not last forever but I fear they don\'t believe it because that was how I felt in the beginning...we all seem to go through the same journey eventually. Love, Connie
A heartfelt journal and full of wisdom describing the walk you have been taking. None of us are meant to live in acute grief for a lifetime yet we must feel it all.
I too do not remember \"exactly\" when the darkness lifted and I began to feel the sunshine upon my face, hear the birds singing and realize that Douglas was not the first thought I had in the morning nor my last before I closed my eyes at bedtime. It was almost a strange feeling at first, yet I had remembered what you wonderful women had expressed to me who are a few steps further along on this path and kept breathing through it. Somehow I knew that healing is meant for each of us and not just a \"select few.\"
Thank goodness that heavy anvil of grief and sorrow is not on your chest and the longing will always BE there. Ken is happy, whole, healed and I keep thinking that we\'re only a wink away from our BEing with our beloved sons.
Loving care to you dear Sandi, and I appreciate YOU and your healing thoughts filled with HOPE. I hope many of our moms who are just starting out will read this and tuck it away and know that one day they too may feel this way.
XO Joanie
In all reality it still does not seem real and for me how could it possible be 11 years that my daughter, Denise, has been away. This journal says a lot, and I thank you for sharing the many feelings and thoughts that I too have had during this journey. Wishing you a day filled with sunshine and birds singing. Your friend, BW
You have very eloquently put the question of the ages...where has the time gone and how could it be so long when it was just yesterday...wasn\'t it?
I know my life is divided into before Jenn died and after...
I feel the same as you have written too Sandi....and also just the same as all the understanding comments written by our mother friends here.
Even 13 years this July, as it will be for my missing Tamzin, it\'s the same changing intensity, sometimes faded, but still sometimes stabbing heart ache, but also still That Love we feel is always there, rich and eternal for our baby, our child, our teenager, our lovely young adult, always our baby darling. xxxxx
I feel your heart in every word.....it\'s my heart too.....HOW? How can 6 years have possibly passed since my Kala left this world?? I stand at her grave site and ask again, \"HOW\'? How can that be my child\'s name written there.... It\'s more than my human brain can understand.
So thankful that we\'ve made it to a place of less intensity, to a place where we can truly experience joy without guilt once again.....while knowing deep in our souls we will forever ask HOW.....
Love you my friend and appreciate you sharing your heart with us~~Teri
For me it is 4 yrs, it was just yesterday or the day before. Time stands still for no man. We drifted through the years, living as best we could. All of a sudden another year has come and gone. We live. Other lives come into ours distracts us from our troubles, untill we think about the child we lost.
Keep your chin up my dear friend, we are walking with you.
Hugs Penny
I think we all can relate to your entry. I remember when you joined this site. I remember your journals and how much your heart hurt. I\'m not sure if you had the same experience as I did, but I remember hurting that much too where I prayed to not wake up. When people would tell me it would get better and they would talk about the pain always being there but different and less intense, etc. I wouldn\'t believe it for such a long time. I actually thought that they must not love their child as much as I do because it can\'t possibly get better. It does still hurt and we know that it always will but we can live and miss our children at the same time. Thanks to all the wonderful moms that carry each of us. Thanks for sharing. Much love. Robin
Sandi, this is such a truthful and heartfelt entry. I know Ken is proud that you are living your life and writing these hopeful words to others. I thought my heart would break into a million little pieces when Ed died but I am still here and doing better than I ever expected to. Yes, we will hurt and long for our sons but we can still have a life while on earth. The healing has begun for us. Love to you and Ken, Linda
Almost 4 years for me, and I can still remember that horrendous morning like it was yesterday. As time went on I had no idea how to survive, did not think I would survive. When I found FMO and the moms further along the journey were so encouraging, telling me that I would survive, that the intensity would lessen, I did not believe. How could it be so? But now it is so, The intense heaviness has lifted, still get the stabbing in the heart, can\'t breathe moments, not as frequently. Still get the moments of how can this be so? I work hard at feeling Doug with me, hearing him, sensing him. It helps, but nothing will ever be the same as having him back on this earth with me. We have all found our own way to healing at some level. We walk together, thank God for this lifeline. Sue xo