Time To Move On...Again

Today is Sunday, September 17 -- two days past the middle of the month. It is also 20 days since the end of my unexpected summer romance.
I returned here to Vallecito Resort on Thursday, August 31st around noon time, kissing the ground after having successfully negotiated the notorious Wolf Creek Pass on Rt. 160 between South Fork and Pagosa Springs. I got the Winnie all set up and spent the next two days trying to bring some semblance of order to this little house on wheels. You see, when I left Bob's home in Evergreen, things were NOT good. Toward the end, I was literally throwing things in here just so I could get going.
While Bob is a lovely man, I discovered over the months I was with him, that he hasn't done the necessary grief work since his wife passed nearly 2 years ago. In truth, had I KNOWN this before I met him, I most likely would have NOT responded to his initial inquiry back in late April. Despite the have strong feelings I still have for him, after struggling with it for a couple of weeks, I KNEW I was going to have to end the relationship -- for my own sake.
I feel terrible about it. I know I hurt him. I know he thought this was IT. But the truth be told, I had reached the point of KNOWING that I couldn't be with someone who was not only clingy, but a "control freak" who was unwilling or unable to compromise on just about anything. I'm not sure when or why he got that way; one of his friends suggested that perhaps since he felt totally out of control in the 5 years his wife was sick and dying, he thinks if he can control everything, nothing bad will ever happen again. Unfortunately, it doesn't happen that way. And this Cowgirl is way too independent and feisty to live with someone like that.
We had a lovely 3 months together -- traveling all around this beautiful state -- and I will hold the memories dear for the rest of my life. But unless and until Bob does some hard work on himself, there is no way he and I or anyone else could build and maintain a healthy relationship and build a life together. He was honest with me about the other women he has been with since his wife passed away. What he didn't tell me was that all three of them broke it off for the same reason -- the CONTROL thing. One of his close friends (a retired Therapist) pointed out to Bob at the end of each of those break-ups that perhaps it's because of Bob. Unfortunately, Bob doesn't want to hear it. Bless his heart, he THINKS there is an endless supply of intelligent, attractive women in his age group and that if he goes out with enough of them, he will eventually find one who will go along with everything he wants to do and not make any waves. The reality is that Evergreen is sort of small and the supply of "YES" women is not plentiful. This is 2017 after all.
Oh well. I couldn't fix the situation or Bob's way of thinking, so I had to fix myself by leaving. Back to flying solo. It will be a bit of an adjustment, but I'll be fine. It's just taking awhile to move beyond it. I have not held back my tears and have relied heavily on the loving support from my closest friends and family. I don't give up easily on people or relationships, so this may take a bit to completely "process" -- but life goes on.
So it's on to Plan B.
As Vallecito campground closes the end of September, I will be heading south to Arizona. I have made a reservation for the winter in Apache Junction beginning Nov. 1, but I will be staying at the Zane Grey RV Village in Camp Verde, AZ for the month of October. I am excited about this because of its close proximity to Sedona -- a truly magical place -- where I spent 5 days on retreat with Runaway Husbands author Vikki Stark back in 2011 or 2012. I plan to look up the local Shaman, Joseph White Wolf, while I am there and book a session with him. All of the retreat attendees enjoyed this when we were in Sedona with Vikki and I am defintely seeking some kind of healing wisdom and spiritual insight as to what I am supposed to be doing now.
I enjoyed the visit with my old friend, Helen, and also my Florida campground buddies Zayda and her daughter, Cassidy. Zayda and I are going to rendezvous somewhere in Arizona maybe as early as October. I am looking forward to that as she and I became good friends last winter. Having a fellow solo RVer is comforting and helps me have that sense of belonging that I am seeking.
When I do get to Apache Junction, I will be in the same RV park as a couple I met here at Vallecito back in the spring. Coincidentally, they resigned their workcamping jobs here the same day I did. We have kept in touch over the summer and I am really looking forward to seeing them again.
In the meantime, I am trying not to feel sad all the time, but it's difficult. As much as I knew the thing with Bob wasn't going to work out long-term, I miss him. I miss the companionship. I miss the great sex. I miss feeling like I was part of something. Now I have to keep telling myself that it was all about the Universe preparing me for the Next Big Thing.
Yesterday, I decided to take a drive up to Silverton. I was astonished that the aspen trees have turned up there in the week since Helen and I rode the Durango-Silverton Railroad up there! The splashes of gold against the dark green of the pines (plus NEW SNOW up on the highest peaks) make for a breathtaking display! I spent about 2 hours just moseying around the charming little town -- poked in most of the shops and picked up a few things I will give as birthday and Christmas gifts -- and talked to some friendly fellow tourists. Had I gotten there earlier, I would have probably gone on up to Ouray, but the day was getting late and I still had a 90-minute drive to get back here. I had invited campground buddies to have supper with me and I needed to get going.
During dinner, I asked my friend Joe if he would like to go up to Ouray one day this coming week. Like me, Joe has some difficulty doing things by himself. He readily agreed, so we are going to do that probably this Wednesday as the forecast is good (no rain showers which can easily be snow showers at that elevation).
So that's what's going on with me these days. I am good, but could be better. Just need some time to grieve this loss and get my head back on straight.