Time to live and time to love
Was watching an episode of real sports on hbo, talking to a father whose teenage son had been shot and killed by his cousin, something he said struck a chord with me and summed it all up in such a few words: I've been to heaven and hell. Heaven was the first time I held my little boy just after he was born, Hell was having to bury my son.
two sentences explained What a parent who loses a child goes through. I can now say I've been to hell, it took a long time to break free and decide to live and love again. after 2 plus years I remember the best of times, don't dwell much on the what if's or if only, beginning to take care of me so I have something to share and give to others. all I can say is I'm alive and going to make sure I live and not just exist..Jon was so outgoing and loved life, new adventures, he would be shocked to see how far I fell.
I still miss him every day and often wish he was here to talk with, who am I kidding I talk to him every day and sometimes I think he answers when something totally unexpected happens... Makes my day ! Love you Jon.
two sentences explained What a parent who loses a child goes through. I can now say I've been to hell, it took a long time to break free and decide to live and love again. after 2 plus years I remember the best of times, don't dwell much on the what if's or if only, beginning to take care of me so I have something to share and give to others. all I can say is I'm alive and going to make sure I live and not just exist..Jon was so outgoing and loved life, new adventures, he would be shocked to see how far I fell.
I still miss him every day and often wish he was here to talk with, who am I kidding I talk to him every day and sometimes I think he answers when something totally unexpected happens... Makes my day ! Love you Jon.
Replies
I believe he does answer. He wants you to know that he is with you. I understand the Heaven and Hell. I too have been to both. I too chose to live life, not just exist. And I too miss Lisa every day.
Only the moms here truly understand. I am thankful every day that I have the wonderful moms here who understand and care.
Love to you and Jon,
Marlene
YES! For sure! We\'ve experienced Heaven and Hell!!!!
I made up my mind (my heart came along later) that I would LIVE and not just survive. Then I had to ask myself, \"what does that look like...what is \"living\" for me\"? I\'ve spent the last several years figuring it out.
For me, LIVING means accepting ALL of it. And pushing through those times that can still sneak up on me, bringing me to my knees....which are few and far between now.
Mostly, my life is GOOD! I laugh. I dance. I sing. I get EXCITED about life\'s adventures. And I actively seek them out!
And most of all, best of all, Kala is sharing my life adventures with me!!! And yes, we talk to each other everyday still!
THANK YOU for writing this!
Love to you!
Love to Jon!
I truly do not think that Jon is shocked to see how far you fell because when one loves as deeply as a mother does for her child her heart feels as if it is reduced to rubble and to ash. From that ash can rise the Phoenix and from that rubble a compassion for herself and the world can become her foundation.
What I feel when reading your journal is the work of grieving and finding hope in the midst once again. You could not have \"hurried\" any of it and did the work and are doing the work and coming out the other side into life now. This journal offers HOPE for each of us no matter where we find ourselves on this path because we know that acute grief for a lifetime is not living. It is for a time what is necessary, but then the courage to be greater than our sorrow calls us.
Loving care as you venture forth always with Jon being your greatest cheerleader and gratitude for your sharing.
Heart to heart and Hand in hand,
XO Joanie
Your journal was validating for me today and I thank you for writing. I\'m in the same place you are - perhaps it\'s because we both lost our boys in 2011. I\'m just now trying to take care of myself and start living again, but I miss Seth so very much. Patti
Wow....been to heaven & hell....we sure have. Trying to break free to live & love again I\'m sure is what our children would want for us. Just knowing heaven is out there can give us assurance that no matter if we may be experiencing some bad, we can always go back to the good. Loving hugs......Vicki
Yes, it\'s not easy to take a seat again-- back on the train of life--But if we at least try, like you are, that train will take us much farther along in our healing! Good job!
Love, Donna
I like the way that father put it. Heaven and hell that does make alot of sense.
I have crawled out of hell and now live on earth, It is just what we do..
sending tight hugs
Penny
Here is it 6 years later since I posted this and I deliberately put myself through hell to feel what he felt. I still have my issues with the "higher" power, however I am finally able to fine some peace. I am grateful for the opportunities I have had, people who have entered and maybe departed my life, all was meant to be with the exception of my first born. Bitter, yes, accepting somewhat, willing to live, YES. I could not have said that even a month ago. Not sure what switch was turned on but looking forward to the future for the first time.
First, THANK YOU for sharing again. It can take SO much sometimes for us to do so. I hope by sharing you felt a bit of a release, or relief. That's usually how I feel when I "get it all out".
I definitely understand the issues with Spirit...lord knows I've had, and still have some. MY best, freeing moment came while reading what for me was the great tool in this area for my grief, the book "When bad things happen to good people". I don't think it is so much that that book is "it" for everyone....and may not have even been "it" for me, had I not been where I was at that moment of time in my journey toward healing. It spoke to me in a very real and profound way, and that's when I was truly able to stop blaming, and therefore stop hating (and yes, I hated) The Great Spirit of my salvation. But, even since that very real and very powerful truth came, I've struggled with rebuilding...or honestly just building a brand new relationship. I just told God I was willing to start with a blank slate, a do over if you will. Throwing out all the preexisting beliefs and theologies and just start over, one day at a time, and see where "we" landed.
I am glad you have been able to find some peace. That is a huge victory in all this mess for us! The greatest gift, I truly believe, we will ever give our children is to LIVE our lives. We've all said "I'd lay down and die for my child"....and mean it 100%. Yet, what I know to be the truth of Kala is she would never want that, never need that, and never not be pissed off at me for doing that. However, I know what works for Kala...and for me...and dare I say what I believe all OUR kids want most of all......for us to be willing to stand up and LIVE. Understanding how HARD it can be....how LONG it can take to reach a point of even wanting to do so....and sending us all the LOVE energy they possibly can to help give us the strength to wake up each morning and say, "I'm going to try again today".
So, HUGE kuddos to you sweet friend for your willingness to keep on keeping on! I know without doubt Jon is SO very proud of his amazing mom!
Tight heart hugs from me and Kala to you and Jon!
Thank you for sharing again. I too have issues with a "higher power". I thought I was a person of Faith, but I struggle with believing anything since my Jeff died. I have read the book Teri said and she had suggested it to me "Why Bad things happen to good People". It was really good. I think during this time of social distancing I should read it again.
I am glad that you have been able to find some peace. You said your Jon was so outgoing and he loved life. I am sure all our children would want us to continue living to the fullest. I loved what you said you had been to Heaven and Hell. The day that Jon was born and the day you buried Jon. That so describes my feelings.
Tight hugs to you and Jon from Nell and Jeff.