Time to fight to live
I think that one thing we all have in common, by we I mean, those who have heard that "C" word as it applies to them. One thing we have in common from that moment of the diagnosis, thru the end of treatment is that we are probably the most active, and busy people on the planet. We are running from one doctor to another, and in between appointments, on the phone with the insurance company, or other doctor's offices, or with loved ones giving the latest update. I know that's how it was for me. I was diagnosed on 12/8/14, my busy holiday preparations were now put on the back burner. My Christmas cards became calls to explain over and over how I feel, how I discovered the cancer, what's the prognosis.........Questions I couldn't answer.
After surgery, the days were spent getting up, making sure I take my medicine, can I eat this? Can I do that? Go walking.......take my med, go to Dr....sleep. Over and over - but it was exhausting. Then came the radiation - ok - get up - everyday - head to the hospital, have the radiation, and do it all over again.
Then, after your last treatment - everything just stops. It just stops, and you realize, holy crap - what has just happened? It's like all you heard for the past months was the voice of Charlie Brown's teacher, Waaaa wahhhh wah wahhhhh, "Yes Maam".
And it's so weird - oh my, how weird is that? What is it? Oh yes - Silence. So - now what?
Now - well, now the emotional healing has to begin. But how? You are so busy making sure everyone else is ok with you being ok about cacer that you don't ask yourself. You don't actually ask youself - am I ok? And when all the supporters and friends are now relieved that you ar feeling better, but you still feel anything but yourself, there is the guilt. Why are you not happy? You did it, you made it - now you just have to sit and wait. What's wrong with you - are you ungrateful?
No one sees the hurt inside, the emptiness, the fear that was there, but buried by worry of everyone around you. The fear that maybe one day you will wake up and surprise - it's back. The fear that you will never feel "normal" again.
It is what I am going through now - I fought the physical battle, I fought like you would not believe. I knew my enemy and I went at it with all I had. But who it is I am fighting now?
No one tells you that when you survive cancer, that when you have spent months fighting to just "Not Die", that there comes a time when you have to fight to "Live" - to really live. That's the real battle.
I realized this today. I had a followup with my Oncologist who said something so powerful. She said, "I can't tell you that it will never come back, and I can't tell you that it will ever have anything at all to do with your death. But I can tell you that you have done absolutely everything you can do to prevent it. So - now, all you have to do, is live. You fought, you are alive, so now, now you have to live.
And so - that is exactly what I am going to do. I am going to stop apologizing for taking time for me. For doing things that make me happy, and what I want to do.
My goal, for this week, is to do something I haven't done for a very long time, that makes me happy. And I can do it.
We are all fighters, we are all warriors. We are that Lioness, so beautiful but oh so fearce. I am her, she is in me, and I will roar again.
After surgery, the days were spent getting up, making sure I take my medicine, can I eat this? Can I do that? Go walking.......take my med, go to Dr....sleep. Over and over - but it was exhausting. Then came the radiation - ok - get up - everyday - head to the hospital, have the radiation, and do it all over again.
Then, after your last treatment - everything just stops. It just stops, and you realize, holy crap - what has just happened? It's like all you heard for the past months was the voice of Charlie Brown's teacher, Waaaa wahhhh wah wahhhhh, "Yes Maam".
And it's so weird - oh my, how weird is that? What is it? Oh yes - Silence. So - now what?
Now - well, now the emotional healing has to begin. But how? You are so busy making sure everyone else is ok with you being ok about cacer that you don't ask yourself. You don't actually ask youself - am I ok? And when all the supporters and friends are now relieved that you ar feeling better, but you still feel anything but yourself, there is the guilt. Why are you not happy? You did it, you made it - now you just have to sit and wait. What's wrong with you - are you ungrateful?
No one sees the hurt inside, the emptiness, the fear that was there, but buried by worry of everyone around you. The fear that maybe one day you will wake up and surprise - it's back. The fear that you will never feel "normal" again.
It is what I am going through now - I fought the physical battle, I fought like you would not believe. I knew my enemy and I went at it with all I had. But who it is I am fighting now?
No one tells you that when you survive cancer, that when you have spent months fighting to just "Not Die", that there comes a time when you have to fight to "Live" - to really live. That's the real battle.
I realized this today. I had a followup with my Oncologist who said something so powerful. She said, "I can't tell you that it will never come back, and I can't tell you that it will ever have anything at all to do with your death. But I can tell you that you have done absolutely everything you can do to prevent it. So - now, all you have to do, is live. You fought, you are alive, so now, now you have to live.
And so - that is exactly what I am going to do. I am going to stop apologizing for taking time for me. For doing things that make me happy, and what I want to do.
My goal, for this week, is to do something I haven't done for a very long time, that makes me happy. And I can do it.
We are all fighters, we are all warriors. We are that Lioness, so beautiful but oh so fearce. I am her, she is in me, and I will roar again.
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