Time To Be Cynical
Well, it's been nearly two weeks since I have last posted a journal, so I suppose now is as good a time as any to try to put a thought or two together. The reality is that I have been in a pretty lousy place emotionally the last several days, and as my Mother used to say, “If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all...” So I haven't. I have found myself pretty cynical about just about everything and everybody, and I really don't like being that way. I'm not sure if it's just part of the process or if it's just how I am going to view my life from this point on. Hope it's just a phase. The worst part of it all is that I find myself pulling further away from the few people that I still have in my life. And I'm doing it all intentionally. I'm just not particularly interested in people, places or things at this point. My mood lately reminds me of the old childhood standby song:
“Nobody likes me, everybody hates me,I think I'll go eat worms!Big fat juicy ones,Eensie weensy squeensy ones,See how they wiggle and squirm!
Down goes the first one, down goes the second one,Oh how they wiggle and squirm!Up comes the first one, up comes the second one,Oh how they wiggle and squirm!
I bite off the heads, and suck out the juice,And throw the skins away!Nobody knows how fat I grow,On worms three times a day!
Nobody likes me, everybody hates me,I think I'll go eat worms!Big fat juicy ones,Eensie weensy squeensy ones,See how they wiggle and squirm!”
Now, I realize that this is all indicative of a major pity party that I am throwing for myself, but the trick is, how the hell do I stop it all? I've been good about taking my Zoloft, and I have been good about reading my Bible, but I just can't seem to shake the “blues” that are eating me alive. However, I suspect that my not getting any writing done has a lot to do with my feeling so anti-social, so I'll try and force myself to “journal” even when I don't particularly feel like it.
Part of my cynicism encompasses some of the postings in the discussion threads here at DS. I often times find myself being hyper critical of some of the subjects and ultra sensitive to other's ways of expressing themselves. I just need to remember that everyone is on their own road here, and we all have differing views on the best way for us to move forward and to express the things that we feel. I think that too many times, we get to that place where we think that we are alone in our grief process, when the reality is that ALL of us are hurting and trying our best to survive in the world that we are left with. I think my cynicism is also born out of impatience, and that I think I should be further along than I am. You know...time flies when your having fun, and all of that. But time really IS relative, and I just need to allow enough of it to pass so I can re-group and carry on.
It will be four months tomorrow that Barbara died, and in some ways it feels like four years....Other times it feels like four days.....But, as I said...Time is relative...and does anybody really care what time it is??
And I feel better already after having written this......God is Great....ain't He???
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uClqyfKyZJ4&feature=related
As I was walking down the street one dayA man came up to me and asked me what the time was that wason my watch, yeahAnd I saidDoes anybody really know what time it isDoes anybody really careIf so I can't imagine whyWe've all got time enough to cryOh no, noAnd I was walking down the street one dayA pretty lady looked at me and said her diamond watch hadstopped cold deadAnd I saidDoes anybody really know what time it isDoes anybody really careIf so I can't imagine whyWe've all got time enough to cryOh no, noAnd I was walking down the street one dayBeing pushed and shoved by people trying to beat the clock,oh, so I just don't know,I just don't knowAnd I said, yes I saidPeople runnin' everywhereDon't know the way to goDon't know where I amCan't see past the next stepDon't have to think past the last mileHave no time to look aroundJust run around, run around and think whyDoes anybody really know what time it isDoes anybody really careIf so I can't imagine whyWe've all got time enough to dieOh no, no
Replies
Hi, Joe! I will start by answering your question: YES! GOD IS GOOD! ALL THE TIME!!! It is good too see you expressing yourself again!!! I\'m a firm believer in writing as therapy....expressing emotions on paper makes me take a closer look at what I\'m feeling....good, bad or ugly....it also helps me sort through the chaos when I\'m inundated my multiple, often conflicting, emotions at the same time....You are month ahead of me, and I can definitely relate to the impatience and the feeling that I should somehow be further along in this process, even though I I sense that I\'m much further than I anticipated I would be...tomorrow will be a \"milestone\" day for both of us...you will mark the 4th month and I will \"celebrate\" Snake\'s first birthday since he was called home....how do I celebrate without him....haven\'t quite figured that one out, but I know he would not like it if he thought I was going to mope and feel sorry for myself...maybe I\'ll take a daytrip in my new car & treat myself to lunch or dinner @ his favorite restaraunt....I don\'t know yet...but if you will say an extra prayer for me tomorrow, I\'ll say an extra one for you...actually, I\'ll say an extra one for you regardless.... Blessings ~N~ Hugs, my dear .... ~E~
PS \"the worm song\" made me smile....my kids from children\'s church used to sing that on the way from Children\'s Church on the church bus on Wed nights when I was doing that ministry several years ago...lol....
Dear Joe,
My heart goes out to you. Where you are is not a good place to be, but one that I know. I have a lot of friends, most have done their very best to respond to my circumstances, but still, I have in some ways to walk this by myself.
And I think that what you speak about is that part of an already awful journery. the part where we realize that many other people are living in another world from ours, so it is very hard to reach out and be with them, they are thinking of things in that other life and we cannot be there, not fully.
Having said that, I know I am better when I do NOT isolate, even if I am cranky as H%^L at my friend....ie I got an email from one of my in town friends in response to a query of if they\'d be in the emergency plan/ book, with concern and i\'ll be calling you and my feeling was well don\'t be too long with that...
In some ways you are so terribly alone with all that has happened.
in some ways it feels safer, maybe
but there are those of us here, who, as much as we can, want to walk what of your path we can share.....
maybe it would be good to get out \"for coffee\"even if it didn\'t feel too great.....
I care, as absolutely much as I can.....
I do hope you feel better soon. I think the \"not caring\" part was something I had to overcome. I can recall reading part of a book and thinking - \"I don\'t care what happens to these people. Forget it\" I\'ve always been an avid reader, and if I make it thru half a book, I\'ll finish it. But all of my first yr. after Frank\'s death - I could not read. I accepted invitations; I talked to friends on the phone, I went thru the motions. But it is just a hard time Joe -- and you lost more than your wife. You have a lot to grieve for. Remember, He will never leave you or forsake you -- even tho\' it may feel that He has. Keep taking your meds, keep reading your Bible, and don\'t forget prayer. We have a prayer list at our church - and so do many churches. I know that the prayers of our church and many others sustained me through many dark days during my husband\'s illness. I will pray for you, and I\'m sure others here do -- just hang in there, friend!
Blessings,
Doye
Joe....I am sorry you are having such a hard time right now. Four months certainly isn\'t very long.......maybe just long enough to realize that your life doesn\'t and won\'t feel the same.....and just long enough to really be upset that everyone else\'s life has gone on. At about four months I can just remember thinking why should I care about anything else....... when everything I cared about was gone. It will pass my friend.....just wish I could tell you when. You have many friends here......so rant and rave and rage....if it will make you feel better.....we all understand and a good many of us have done just that. Also remember that your friends will support you wherever you are on the journey.......the good places and the bad ones. Send you a virtual hug and hoping that tomorrow is better.
Hug, Dianne
Joe,
Sorry for the funk you are in. This will also pass. I also have reached that point about 1 month ago and thought I was just at my wits end. I didn\'t feel like talking to anyone even my kids. The only one was my 10 year old granddaughter. She so remindes me of Rene\' in her talk and actions. She is the only one that can give me any peace. Everyone else is trying to help but I did not see it that way.
Anyway the feelings passed after about 5 or 6 days then sadness filled in for about 4. Had to travel for my job which was an emotional disaster. I got through this and I think is has to do with the \"Journey\". I did pray a lot towards the last few days and that helped. Your search and journey is far more advanced than mine and I pray you will get to the end of this hell hole.
Peace to you and Hope you feel better after your post.
Dave
Joe,
You are not along with those feelings and I for one had a terrible time just last week with them.
I feel that I let my self pity get in the way of my healing and it also gets in the way of being with people.
I\'m sure by now my family would like to get rid of me, since I am forever falling apart in front of them, which makes their healing more difficult.
Went to church with my daughter on Sunday and it was so uplifting that I had to fight back the tears during the service.
I went home and did a lot of praying and it turned out to be a very good day. GOD will answer our prayers if we have FAITH in him.
Keep doing the right things Joe, and he will answer your prayers.
Your Fiend
Dan
I think it sounds like you are experiencing clinical depression despite your zoloft. I know \"what time it is\". It\'s time to work out some of your frustrations by hiking or the gym or chasing your grandkids.Physical activity goes a long way toward sweeping the cobwebs out of your head.I know, having just refinished the den floor.Grief made me turn into a stone couch potato.It was hard getting up & going for it,but it helps.Being mad is a part of depression too.I go outside,sit,& throw the tennis ball to Pharaoh till my arm\'s abt ready to drop of,.then I walk around a bit.I\'m sorry you\'re out of sorts & I wil pray for you too.Hugs.
Joe, it is just another phase of grief. I believe most of us go through the same type feelings. This too shall pass.
As others said, keep taking your meds, read your Bible, pray, and journal. You have understanding DS friends. Many have already \'been there\', others will follow.
Hugs, Joely
When the meaning of your life as you see it is stripped away, it\'s really hard to force yourself to care about anything else.
Hugs, Gail